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Comment by Christina Nichols on March 25, 2009 at 9:30am

Hi Celtix, I too am sorry to hear about the loss of your grandbaby. I can totally relate to the pictures. Some days I want to see the pictures, even though they make me sad. Other days, I just want the pictures to be put away, because I can't handle anymore saddness. My husband (whom never had or liked tattoo's) had a tattoo of my son with his baby tattoo'd on his left arm. For some reason, that picture of my son with my grandson, just brings me such comfort. I know my son would have laughed his butt off knowing that his dad got a tattoo. It has been 2 months for me now, and I still can't believe it is real. I don't know if you feel this way but I really hate the term "the process" I know down deep that I am going through the process of loosing my son, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. How is your daughter doing? I wish there was a magic fix for it. If there were I would tell you what it was. The only thing that has helped me is DRUGS! I am on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug. It helped greatly, so I quit taking it after 3 weeks and spiraled back into (whatever it is). I guess the meds worked better then I gave them credit. I have never taken meds like that before and had such an adversion to the idea of taking them, but they are helping me cope with the reality of it all.

Comment by cj the cynic on March 25, 2009 at 2:35am

Hi Celtix, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Perhaps you could keep the photos somewhere that will keep them out of your sight as long as you do not wish to see them. Just a thought. Take care.

Comment by Celtix1234 on March 24, 2009 at 9:52pm

What a much-needed group. I am sorry to hear about all of your losses. My daughter, at over 6 months pregnant, gave birth to a stillborn baby boy 2 months ago. Aodhan Jude had given me such hope. I felt him kick on a Saturday, and it was like we really connected. But on Wednesday, we were in the hospital for what ended up being 18 hours of labor - the whole time knowing the outcome. As heartbroken as we are, I am so glad that none of us (my son-in-law's parents, as well) are Christian. No one said anything about it being God's will, we just grieved together and talked about how unfair it was. I don't have to get all mad at God for letting this happen; it just happened. When I think about all the time I wasted on previous tragedies, trying to figure out why God hates me.... Anyway, it's been 2 months now, and although it's getting more bearable, I still feel like I've been punched in the gut every time I see a baby. And to make matters worse, two of my closest friends have grandbabies that are due within 4 days of mine. I've told them that I don't want them holding back ultrasound pictures or anything, but it's really difficult to see pictures of their daughters with huge bellies. Meanwhile, I have pictures of my daughter at Christmas, wearing the maternity dress and sitting in the rocking chair I got her. Holding her tummy in that universal maternal way and beaming at the camera. What do I do with those pictures?

Comment by Renee on March 15, 2009 at 5:05am

I lost my favorite and closest aunt unexpectedly last April. It was and still is very difficult for me. Thanks for creating this group.

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 19, 2009 at 7:33am

OH, and I would like to clarify, we did not profit at all. We received about $2,700.00 and spent over 6K so it was so very helpful and I appreciate that gesture the most.

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 19, 2009 at 7:31am

I would like to add that the best thing you can do for a family during their loss is to give money, no matter how little. We received monies in most of the cards with notes saying that they wanted to help with any cost that we incurred in honoring our son.

It may seem wrong to some, but I have not been able to work and I am self employeed, the military paid for the burial completely, however the Celebration of life ceremony at my home and feeding everyone that stopped by, water, toilet paper, kleenex, paper towels, we have spent in excess of $6,000.00. Compounding that with my inability to work for 4 weeks of service, and this economy. Especially with the Military deaths. My son died week 1, then the procession from the airport to the funeral home week 2, then the funeral week 3, and finally the fly to Texas for the Military funeral on base week 4. It really elongates the process of burying someone. My husband was permitted 3 days Bereavement and the rest he had to take sick and vacation time. So yes money seems wierd, and in the past I have never given money, but now, that is the first thing I would do. Flowers die, and they suck, they turn your home into a field of dying. I would never recommend flowers. MONEY who knew that cold hard cash is what helps the family the most.

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 19, 2009 at 7:20am

Being that I am going through this I would have to disagree.
At Peace: is what you say when someone had suffered an illness like cancer etc.
At Rest" to me would be too cliche.

"I am sorry for your loss" is the only thing that does not send me in a spin. You can even add "tragic" to the loss.

Religious or not, it is amazing how what people say can effect you in a negative way. It is a tragic loss, it is not soothing to say anything else. I over analize everything that is said to me and I get angry when someone says something inappropriate.

One of my Atheist clients sent me this AND WOW it was the first thing I recieved that was sympathic and Godless:

Tina and I are deeply heartbroken for your loss as is our country for Christopher’s service.

There are no words or platitudes that can temper your and Tim’s pain. I can’t think of anything in life that could be more painful.

I would, however, like to take a moment to remind you that as deep as the hole in your heart feels at this time, it will be filled over time with the wonderful times spent with your son Christopher.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal” ~From a headstone in Ireland

These memories will be of the good times and the challenging ones. They will blend to make a mosaic of memories that will begin to replace the deepest of anguish with the memories you lived together.

I am sure of this; as during Tina and my attendance at the Honors Services today, it was clear to see from the out poring of friends and family that Christopher (as your son) made a mark that most don’t make living twice as long.

The answer to why or fairness escapes us all in the best of times and in times like this, are difficult to grasp. It has been said however that it’s not how many breaths we take, but what we did with them.

You raised a strong, proud and honorable son, and for this you will have the pride that goes with, and the honor of being Grandparents to his son.

With our deepest sympathy,
Mark and Tina

Comment by cj the cynic on February 18, 2009 at 10:30pm

I think saying "____ is at rest" or "____ is at peace now" is a spiritual-sounding but not really spiritual alternative to saying "____ is in heaven".

Comment by zeeman barzell on February 14, 2009 at 3:35pm

Hey Justin.

I think the most important thing you can let your mom know is that your love for her is without boundaries or time constraints. Assure her that you know how much she loves you and you will keep her love with you throughout the years of your life. I feel there is no need for a religious debate. All she needs to know is that she will be a part of you forever. That you will take what she has taught you and use it, to be the best person you possibly can. And that you will always remember your mom. Good luck, Justin.

Comment by zeeman barzell on February 14, 2009 at 12:10pm

I started a discussion group for the story thing....

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