Comment by Christina Nichols on February 13, 2009 at 9:35am

I lost my son on 1-23-09. He had just returned home from Iraq. While celebrating his safe return with his friends and family in Texas, he shot himself goofing off, after unloading his gun he thought, for the sitter to be in a safer house. This was a tragic accident due to his over confidence with firearms. I know that people have their opnions on this matter, however, he was a wonderful man that saved thousands of lives in Iraq for 15 months. I just don't want him judged by this 1 second of his lifem where he was ???? can't really say the words. We all love him and we must move forward. I just have to say that I am so grateful for the Patriot Gaurd and the Army in the way they honored my son. This funeral and processions were the poudest moment of my life, to see all that he touched with his life. The thing that helps me get through all of this, is hearing the stories of his life when I was not present. The Christopher Times. The grief is strong, sometimes unbearable. I would like to meet others grieving without God, Jesus, or other religious platitudes.

Comment by Shlarg on February 13, 2009 at 9:48am

I was think we needed a group like this. Thanks for starting this one :)

Comment by Leslee Love on February 13, 2009 at 9:57am

Wow...I agree with Shlarg. Thanks for this Christina. This should be a very useful tool in coping with the loss of loved ones...I'm anxious to hear (or read) of your coping mechanisms. What has got you through this? And I meant what I said about you being a strong woman....

Comment by zeeman barzell on February 13, 2009 at 10:56am

This is something I have been looking for. A few years back I lost a very close friend to a heart attack. His name was Andy and he was 36. It was devastating to me, but 10 fold for his wife who I was equally as close with. I did my best to comfort her though the confusing and emotional times that followed, but I felt she needed some kind of group to help her though. I took it upon myself to find her some help (I suppose I needed that help too, but I seemed to block out my own feelings by concentrating on hers). She tried out a few grief groups and therapists, but every single one evoked God or talked about where his spirit is and went on and on about a higher power and a better place. A better place?!?! Better than in his house, with his wife and all his friends that loved him very much?!?!? All of this, I know, is standard grief speak that soothes most people. Not us. We are atheists and so was Andy. Instead of feeling comfort, we felt frustration and could not seem to get our minds to a calm place. Instead of talking about Andy and our feeling about his passing, it turned into a religious debate every time. I contacted American Atheists and FFRF for some kind of point in the right direction, but got little info. This group is just what I was searching for and I’m sure it will help many, many people who find someone suddenly missing from their lives. Thanks Christina.

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 13, 2009 at 10:57am

Leslee Love,

I repeat in my head all the time:
Christopher my son, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (like your death)
courage to change the things I can; (like making sure you are never forgotten)
and wisdom to know the difference (as I struggle daily for this wisdom)

I know it was designed to be for the religious persons of the world, so I modified it as it is my strength.

I am ok, except when I realize that, I will never hear his voice again, see him smiling as he always did, nor will I ever be able to hug him, that is when it is hard. I just try to stay focused on what would Christopher want me to do? He was a fun person, spontanious, crazy in a good way. He would not want me to give in to grief, he would want me to be happy for what time I did have with him. I look at others that have lost their pregnancies, babies and younger children and I had my son for 26 years, that is more then some parents get with their children, I am grateful for what I do have, and I try to keep from focusing on the things I have lost.

I did have a pity party for about 2 min. I lost my mother when I was only 6. She died in the 71 earthquake in Sylmar. My pity party was "no child should have to growup without a mother, (I did), no mother should have to bury a child, (I did). IT SUCKS ! But again it is something I can not change. Everything helps to mold us into the person we are meant to be in our lives. I am happy with the person I am and therefore have to accept the things that happen to me as reality that will mold me, change me forever. I will not allow it to change me in a bad way.

I hope all of this makes sense, I sometimes have a hard time articulating . . .

Comment by mrmister on February 13, 2009 at 11:05am

Hi Christina , if you remember someone they are never really gone. I lost my younger brother to leukemia last year and its been hard , especially being the only atheist in my family.

Thanks for creating this group so all of us can find some comfort through sharing our experiences.

"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." - Albert Einstein

Comment by Leslee Love on February 13, 2009 at 11:19am

It makes perfect sense. Such words of wisdom. I believe things like this shape us too. They can make us or break us. And, I appreciate how you have shaped that to suit your own strength. It's brilliant!!

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 13, 2009 at 11:21am

zeeman barzell,

I am sure that you and I are not the only one that could not find a proper support group. Starting this support group may help me as well as others through a tough adjustment in our lives. I am grateful for that.

On the platitudes:

He is in a better place;
my response is: my son was not terminally ill. I understand you are at a loss for what to say to me right now, however that is what you say to someone that was terminally ill and suffering.

The lord will fill the hole in your heart:
my response is: No he won't, does he replace a severed arm/leg, no he doesn't. I understand your belief's, but I will live with this hole in my heart as someone will learn to live with a severed arm/leg.

I am so sorry
my response is: I am too. (what they are sorry for is not the death but what the death is doing to you "YOUR LOSS/GRIEF")

Life will NEVER be the same, Things will not get better, Time will not make anything better. I have a friend that lost her 2 year old son 16 years ago, she still grieves. Life takes over and we have to move forward, but the pain, loss, and heartache will remain till the day we die. It is apart of who we are now.

Your friend Andy will be a bitter/sweet part of who you are forever, you will alway remember and feel the loss (bitter) and the memories (sweet).

Where we all go from this world is up to our own individual beliefs. Noone has the right to infringe on our beliefs. Whatever brings us the most comfort during our loss is what we need to hold fast to.

I hope you can let his wife know that this support group is here for her to work through the grief, give some comfort in a way that is not superficial.

Comment by Christina Nichols on February 13, 2009 at 11:44am

My son Christopher and his son Christopher Juian

Comment by zeeman barzell on February 13, 2009 at 1:10pm

I believe the way we live forever is how we influence others while we are here. The things we teach each other and the time we spend. The people we leave behind will remember those moments and lessons and carry that with them until they pass on too. And perhaps they took those memories and lessons and passed them to someone who they have left behind...and so on.

I will remember Andy for the rest of my life. He taught me things I will keep forever and the scar that I have from his death will make me a stronger, more well adjusted person, who now has a tool that will help me through the next tough time I encounter in life. I think that's what helps my brain deal.

This is a great group and I hope to hear more stories people have to share about someone they lost, so they can live forever. Cheers.

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