Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by David Philip Norris on January 14, 2013 at 5:25pm

I'm still not sure what my personal feelings are on marriage. Commitment is a must, but this notion of one person for the rest of your life does seem rather short-sighted. My boyfriend and I have a certain degree of openness, where we occasionally include other guys dans la chambre, and we're honest and open with each other about our physical attraction to other guys. Compare that to a heterosexual married couple that hides such feelings from each other, and often start sneaking around to have extra-marital affairs.


I don't agree with Dan on everything, but his views on monogamy are thought-provoking:

Permalink Reply by Susan Stanko on January 14, 2013 at 5:37pm

So he plans on having an open marriage?

Permalink Reply by David Philip Norris on January 14, 2013 at 5:45pm

Dan? Yes, he and his husband Terry describe themselves as "monogamish." There was a terrific article in the New York Times by Mark Oppenheimer in June 2011 about Savage and his evolving views on monogamy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-...

Permalink Reply by Sentient Biped on January 14, 2013 at 8:35pm

Savage is noted for being forceful and opinionated.  I certainly appreciate his tenacity going head to head with homophobes.  

As to whether any of what he says about relationships is evidence based, who knows?  The article - thanks for the link - makes much of Savage's cultural catholicism.  I work with some cultural catholics too - not to stereotype, and knowing that stereotypes are cheap easy and often wrong, but jesus christ they're rigid, arrogant, and political, forming alliances and choosing people to serially vilify.  Savage carries himself with forceful opinions and arrogance too.  Unless he can cite studies, the only rule, I think he has a right to make, is the golden rule.  

I guess I'm a cultural Baptist.  An outsider can say what that means about my character.  I really don't know.  With a very heavy dose of scientific training, whatever that did to my psyche, it's permanent.  

I don't think anyone can make rules for anothers' marriage, relationships, or lack thereof.  Except, we should all be caring.  We are all only human.  We all have desires.  We all make mistakes.   Most of us have done things that we regret, or that didn't work out.  We all have strengths, and we all have vulnerabilities.  People shouldn't use each other.  Sometimes we change.  Sometimes we learn new things about ourselves and each other.  People should accept their partners' psychological challenges, too, and know that people are not always rational.

In my life, I've usually made decisions based on my previous failures.  The one thing I am absolutely sure of with my partner, is that he means well.  He's endlessly cheerful, which counteracts my dour tendencies.  I counteract his sometimes irresponsible tendencies.  He can be counted on when the chips are down.  As can I.   He doesn't question himself, I always question myself.  He's more emotional.  I'm more analytical.  But together, our lives are so much more than each of us separately.  I think we'll be together until one of us dies.  I'm not emotionally secure enough for open sexual adventuring on his part or my part, I'm really not.  This old dog can't learn those new tricks.  But I'm OK about some "don't ask/don't tell, and I wouldn't let that change our relationship.

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