Okay guys, I'm sick and tired of being single. I guess I need some intervention, because I ain't doin' nuttin' right!
What do you guys look for in a boyfriend? And how do you find it?
What is an absolute turn off? I don't mean sexually. I mean personality/behavior.
What is an absolute turn on? Again, not sexually.
What ways do you find men to date? Are bars worth it? (Not in my opinion.) What about dating sites?
What are some mistakes you've made asking a guy out or in dating, that you'd like to share with the rest of us?
I've had zero luck with Craigslist. Haven't even made any friends off of it.
I'm so private, and a little paranoid, that I refrain from posting my picture and real info online. I feel kind of wierd about coworkers, neighbors, etc, finding my info. For example, I found out one of our HOA BoDs was HIV+ when I read his Yahoo personal, but he's never told me that personally. That's odd to me.
What do I look for and how do I find it? What to look for is easy - someone who has some grey matter between the ears, not just a hollow, (usually right-wing) echo chamber. Someone who appreciates (and is serious about) what is serious in life, not just banal USAnian material culture. What's the TV turned to - E! or Currents? History Channel or MTV? Unless he meets this test unequivocally, I'm not interested. If he meets that test, he has to be someone who is at least marginally attractive to me physically, so we both have something to look forward to in bed. Most important, someone who does NOT have one of those annoying little traits that I'm tempted to overlook because I think I can learn to live with it or change it.
Absolute turnoffs? Someone who is banal in his interests, who is self-absorbed, or obsessive about his attractiveness or youthful appearance, spends three hours every night in the gym and expects me to do so too. And as important as anything is his politics. Dated a guy once who was drop-dead gorgeous, smart as a whip, economically successful, and was really interested in me - but we were 180º apart politically. Dropped him after the first date, because it was obvious to me it wouldn't work in the long run. He was very disappointed, but it was obvious to me where it was headed in the long term.
Absolute turn on? Interested in the same things I am interested in, and especially someone who challenges me intellectually because he is smarter than I am. I love that.
Finding Mr. Right? Not in the bars. Never found one in a bar I would want for anything other than a one-night stand (plenty of those over the years, though). Mostly, I find guys in online forums and via my profile on gay.com. It is amazing here in Latin America how many guys like us greybeards, and I have found several friends riding the bus or waiting in line at the bank, but so far no long-term partners. So far, I've dated quite a few Mr. RightAways, but still waiting to find Mr. Right.
Probably the biggest mistake I have seen (and have been lucky to avoid for the most part so far) is looking for Mr. Right, but settling for Mr. RightAway. Every one of my friends who has done that has ended up disappointed, and often deeply hurt. Know who you are dating, and don't date those whom you are not interested in over the long term - testosterone ruins more partnerships than anything else.
You and I have a lot in common. However, I find that intelligence and niceness is a real handicap in the gay community. It is not a valued asset, as far as I can tell. One guy looking for new friends on Craigslist (he had a boyfriend) told me I was too smart for him after a few emails. I told him that was ridiculous, that I was NOT too smart for him, but he wouldn't hear it.
I agree with the banal interests being a turn-off. I also like guys who are smarter than me, as I find them interesting (as long as they show some interest in return). I like a variety of men, and geeky, shy nerds are among them.
I was on Gay.com for a while, but it seemed like it had no activity and a lot of spam.
For some reason, I'm not surprised that Latin men like greybeards! : )
I've never figured out why grey hair is a very common fetish here, unless it is due to the fact that solid, quality male role models are sadly rather uncommon here. I think they're looking for dad as much as looking for a partner. When I try to be that dad as well as a partner, they're invariably more loyal and interested. I've had guys as young as 18 come after me, and I am 63. Makes me feel kinda good! That NEVER happened in the States.
Gay.com is a lot better here (Costa Rica) than it is in the States. Here, there aren't a lot of guys on it, but the ones that are generally are more serious. The big social network here for guys looking for one-night-stands in Latin America is Orkut.com, and there are truly vast gay communities on it. Unfortunately for me, it is more popular with South Americans that Central Americans.
18? I could live with that. : )
Gay social networking in the US sucks, I think. Maybe I need to move to Costa Rica.
Even though the community here is still very closeted, I find myself getting cruised A LOT more here than I ever did in the United States, even when I was young and better looking. Cruising is a lot easier, too. Sit on the bus, in the window seat with an open seat next to you on the aisle (leave your pack in the seat to keep it open). When a handsome young man gets on, lighting off your gaydar, just look at him and smile. If he's one of us, he'll smile in return and quickly sit down next to you. It's really that easy!
This will date me, but I met my partner on aol personals. That was 15 years ago. I posted an ad stating, I was seeking husband material, someone who I could take home to my parents to meet, that I was hard working, professional, sincere, and shy; that there are beautiful men of all races and backgrounds and my only restriction was that he be mature, sincere, and honest. Older or younger were OK, taller, shorter, bear or buff, any HIV status, but I wanted someone professional because that is a harder line to date across, personal experience. The first guy who I met with this ad was great sexually, a professor, research scientist from Jamaica, intelligent, but emotionally volatile and we didn't really have anything in common other than sex. So I tried again, and this time made sure that there was no sex until we knew each other better. He turned out to be my current partner. My parents liked him, he is very good natured, easy going, and reasonably responsible. He's a great cook, of Manchurian comfort food. He's a librarian, he defected from China when there was such a thing as defection, after the Tienanmen square incident. It's sometimes been a very rocky road, it's far, far from what i thought the relationship would be, but we will probably comfortably grow old together. Both of our lives are better for having the other in it.
I don't know what I would do differently. Before that ad, I was an emotional mess after by prior partner died, and had been out of circulation for a few years. I had 2 prior significant relationships, and stayed in both longer than I should have, out of a misguided sense of loyalty.
I think for me what works best is someone who has a different cultural background from myself. I don't know why that is. It's not a sense of the exotic. Rather, my origins were so dysfunctional, I can't handle being reminded of that part of my life. Even though I can't define it, it has to be someone "down to earth". I definitely prefer atheist. I don't care for silliness. Not taking my vegetarianism seriously, and especially trying to undermine it, is a big, big, big mistake. Not accepting that I am professional and having respect for that, is also thin ice. Being mean to animals or mean to other people (that was my Jamaican boyfriend's issue) is something I can't handle. Manipulate me, play games, and I am not happy. Cook a meal for me (my partner made me dumplings and I was in love), and compliment me on my cooking, and I'll might give you my heart. I hate, hate, hate, hate drama.
I'm in the same boat, and am starting to think the the Midwest is just not the place to find a long-term relationship. I'm actually contemplating a move to the Pacific Coast (probably Seattle), although I'd be moving for more reasons than just to find a guy! ;-)
I've found the guys I've dated online, on sites like OkCupid and PlentyOfFish, but those relationships ultimately didn't go anywhere. Actually met one guy on Twitter, of all places! Unlike heterosexuals, it's more difficult to pinpoint who's exactly in our dating pool. And with guys, it's kind of a touchy subject. There are some guys who you have a pretty good idea are gay, though in my experience those aren't really "keepers." But you can't just ask out a male co-worker like a straight male might ask out a female co-worker. The online thing really hasn't worked out for me, so currently I'm getting more involved with the GLBT community here in the Cities, finding avenues for volunteering and activism. I'll let you know if anything changes!
As far as what, I look for a guy who is well-rounded, well-educated and a freethinker/atheist like myself. As a writer and musician, I don't necessarily need to date an artist, but having a guy who appreciates art and understands that it's important to me is vital, since it's something that I do! (That goes the other way too. There will be things that are important to him.) I just turned 29 a few days ago, so I'm nearing 30 and a whole different dating age-bracket. In my experience, again, I haven't had much luck dating younger guys. I look for a guy who is comfortable in his own skin, who is kind and generous, and maybe above all, curious. A guy who is fascinated by the world is a huge turn-on for me! Can't tell you how many guys I've dated who don't seem to be interested in anything, and again, that seems to be an age/experience thing. That, and a guy who reads. Guys who read are so incredibly sexy.
My advice would be to start with yourself. Figure out your core values, the things that are most important to you. That's what you should be looking for in a guy. The number of non-negotiables, things you absolutely can't deal with, should fix on one hand (i.e., fewer than five).
I'm in the same boat
David, if you ever come to Dallas, you have a guaranteed date. : )
and am starting to think the the Midwest is just not the place to find a long-term relationship.
Well, shit, I'm in the heart of the gay community here in Dallas, which I think has a greater per capita of gays than any place else in the US, including SF, and I have had no luck at all.
I look for a guy who is comfortable in his own skin, who is kind and generous, and maybe above all, curious.
Why does that seem like such a TALL ORDER? Sigh! I getcha though! Totally.
A guy who is fascinated by the world is a huge turn-on for me! Can't tell you how many guys I've dated who don't seem to be interested in anything, and again, that seems to be an age/experience thing. That, and a guy who reads. Guys who read are so incredibly sexy.
Again, I could have written that myself. Smart is the new Sexy! I'm serious man, if you ever come to Dallas..... : P
My advice would be to start with yourself. Figure out your core values,
I think I pretty much know my core values by now. I'm a decent person, and not without intelligence, but none of that seems to account for much. I think one of my issues is just getting my foot in the door. That's the biggest challenge, it seems. As far as what is the most important thing, that's easy, the relationships we build with other people. I'm not interested in money or social status at all.
If I'm ever in Dallas, I will definitely take you up on that! I'm not interested in money or social status either, although I'm finding more that fewer gay men are obsessed with that sort of thing anymore. Part of it is so few of us can actually afford such a lifestyle, but I also think that most of us saw through into the emptiness of materialism. Give me a man who's poor, learned and of good company any day!
If I'm ever in Dallas, I will definitely take you up on that!
You won't find a nicer guy in Texas! : p
I also think that most of us saw through into the emptiness of materialism.
I never considered myself that materialistic, but after I got involved in animal rescue I realized just how materialistic I was, and dealing with all those animals in need really changed my views on things like that. Now I consider all the material things I have a burden. They must be cleaned and cared for and insured, etc., and I just don't want them any more.
Give me a man who's poor, learned and of good company any day!
I've always said that I don't care if a guy is a janitor or a brain surgeon, as long as he and I liked on another that that was all that mattered. But in reality, I doubt I'd have much in common with either a janitor or a brain surgeon. As sorry as it sounds, I do think people need to be relatively well matched (in most cases) in worldview, intelligence, interests, income, politics, and beliefs to have a really strong rapport. But on the other hand, what do I know. I'm 42 and still single!