Hey guys,

I've always considered myself a bisexual woman. I've had sex with both men and women and enjoyed it. However, lately I've been questioning whether I can have a long-term relationship with men. I have only had one long term relationship with a man and that ended badly. I've only had one long term relationship with a woman but in the entire year she refused to have sex with me. :( I'm trying to decide if it's me or I just haven't dated enough. Any thoughts?

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I don't think you shoul worry too much about labels, and I don't think you should look at orientation as a switch that it turned to one side or the other -- at least unless you know that that is right for you. I, for example, am completely gay and I know nothing will or can change that. Not that I'd want it to. But some people are much more free in their likes and compatibility, and they have relationships with both genders. So whatever you feel comfortable with, and whomever you end up liking, just go with it and don't worry about labels or catagories.

Chizu Sando, just let your mind and emotions decide for you.  There is no reason to choose other than it is what feels good for you.  I am 100% gay but I have wondered many times if I can have a long term relationship with anyone.  Turns out I can, but it was a long time coming and has been very different from what I ever expected.  Some people love someone without the sex, and some people love the sexual part but that's all, and some people an do both.  I've been in all of those situations.

Maybe dating more would be a way to find out.  For me, things have always happened when I least expect, and usually when I gave up.  Then it falls right into my lap.

Thanks for the support! I know I shouldn't panic, I guess I just felt that if I didn't like guys anymore I was somehow betraying myself and the people that I'd been close to. As if I had been lying?  I'm really hoping it was just this relationship. It's good to have a place like this were I can freely express myself.

"I've always considered myself a bisexual woman."

Good for you - took me ages to admit I was gay.




I have only had one long term relationship with a man and that ended badly. I've only had one long term relationship with a woman but in the entire year she refused to have sex with me.


( I'm trying to decide if it's me or I just haven't dated enough. Any thoughts?)



I think yes, date more. Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason for ending a relationship and seeking one where both people's needs are better serviced. Finding someone with whom you can negotiate a reasonable relationship that satisfies both partners.

As for orientation changing - I cast a dissenting voice, I don't think orientation does change all that much: if you are bi or gay or whatever subtle distinction falls on that spectrum - fine, that's how you are major oriented, I think what *does* change is our awareness (concious and unconscious) and willingness to act.

So is it you - well kinda, but not in a bad way, if you are becoming more aware of what you want - that's a good thing! Follow your instincts. And yes go on more dates. Have fun! It's allowed!
"I guess I just felt that if I didn't like guys anymore I was somehow betraying myself and the people that I'd been close to."

That was something that held me back too.

Back when I was still agonising over being gay, I'd also just come out of a long engagement to a woman that ultimately (and fortunately) floundered. However for a long time, it served my denial to consider myself the classic "I'm not gay I'm bisexual" *because*, I , had to somehow honour the fact that I had fallen for a woman.

Which is nonsense, if you think of sexuality - like all things that are brain and human - it's fuzzy, imprecise, and plastic.

What's ultimately important is what's right for you. Keeping yourself locked up and hidden away from those who care about you and would still love you - that *is* deceptive (of a minor kind) , and it's where all the angst of coming out and the sheer bloody effort of remaining closeted comes from - I am convinced.

But it does sound like the relationship dynamics were kind of off kilter. So solution is to find a relationship with people who can meet your needs (as you meet theirs) , and the key is to meet people - lots of 'em - and the tools you shall use to do this are the internet and the mobile phone.

Sexual attraction is only one part of a relationship.  The ability to sustain long-term relationships isn't the definition of sexual orientation (at least not for most people).  As far as whether your issue is lack of experience or not, I can't comment.

Labels like straight or gay are recent human concoctions. The term "homosexual" was popularized in mid 1800s Germany. Sexual orientation should really be viewed as a continuum, rather than distinct categories. So, the argument as to whether someone's sexual orientation can change is irrelevant. You just happen to fall somewhere within the continuum, like a lot of us do. Why get locked in in someone's arbitrary delineations, when that simply isn't how sexual orientation works? Don't worry. Trust your heart.

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