Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael on September 26, 2011 at 2:34pm

Kelly, I'm a little puzzled.  your statement:

I don't do bars and clubs since I'm not in my 20s anymore...I refuse to do online dating sites, so here I am

 - makes it appear as if those are the only possible ways to meet people. Is there some reason you want to avoid any of the other alternatives?

I ask because your statement makes it sound like there's something else going on that you haven't mentioned.

Permalink Reply by Maruli Marulaki on October 5, 2011 at 6:24pm

I am single for statistical reasons:

The following are rough estimates.   

From 100.000 men in my age group (I am 62):
30 % are neither in a relationship nor entangled in an emotional harem of ex-partners converted into pseudo-friends. 
==>    30.000
10 % are childfree, with no progeny of any age and no pets
==>      3.000
20 % may have at least spent some years at a college or university, with or without a degree
==>        600
10 % are atheists and skeptics, who are not gullible to irrational claims of any kind, and share basic attitudes and a leaning towards leftist thinking
==>         60
25% are innately monogamous and non-promiscuous
==>    15
66% do not have any hazardous habit, like smoking, excessive drinking, overeating or a dangerous hobby like riding a motorcycle.  
==>  10
10% are mature, responsible, sincere, able to commit, egalitarian, capable to make a relationship emotionally beneficial for a woman and they share some interests and tastes with me.
==> 1 suitable and compatible partner.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on October 6, 2011 at 10:18pm

1.) Bad area. I currently live in a rural area and every guy expects me to either drive 2-3 hours to visit him to see if he "approves of me" to date--on top of there not being any guys close by who are atheist, intelligent, or otherwise.

 

2.)I am overweight, happy being overweight, happy with the way I look, and not desperate for attention/a guy to date. Most guys don't want a girl confident with her body and how she looks, nor do they want someone as outspoken and confident as I am--it'd be different if I constantly put myself down and was trying a 500 calorie diet to get a size 4--then I might drag in a few dudes, but at this size, and being happy with this size? Most of the time, the only guys interested in me at first look are chubby chasers looking for a one-night partner to fulfill their fetish.

 

Which leads to:

3.) I want a long-term, monogamous, equal relationship. I don't want a one night stand, I want a best friend who I happen to get nude with sometimes--that's what I want, which, of course, means I'm not just looking for someone who finds me attractive--I'm looking for someone I find mentally attractive, personable, someone to travel with and share an apartment with--I'm also big on conversation, and I tend to have a wide variety of interests---I'd want to share quite a bit of them with anyone I date. Anime, Movies, Tv shows, books--even bookbinding, writing, and knitting would be awesome to share with someone--but many times I don't find guys who go beyond video games and tv shows, when I really like hobbies that produce something tangible.

 

4.) I'm highly opinionated. If a guy says "I don't like such and such." and I fucking love such and such--I will fucking tell him--I love that shit! What are your reasons for not liking it? I've done this with sushi, tv shows, etc--and I'm also the same for anything that's flipside--if he loves something, and I think it's foolish and mocks me or a group I don't think is joke material(racist, sizist, sexist), I will not only tell him I don't like it, but I'll usually give specific examples as well as ways to make it better. Most guys REALLY don't like this, especially when it comes to things like The Big Bang Theory or Prochoice/Prolife arguments(I have ripped INTO people over misinformed prolife arguments before). Women traditionally do not have the role of argument--at least not about important things(oh no my haaiiir), and when I argue about important things I've had guys get honestly upset because it's -me- that's arguing--when I know if it was a guy arguing it, it'd be okay.

 

5.) I've got a 'large' personality. I'm loud, opinionated, I stand my ground, and I refuse to agree with someone just to make them happy, I am not a stereotypical female who is quiet and goes along with what her girlfriends want her to do, or what everyone else is doing. I will interrupt people if I think they're saying something stupid(Being gay is a choice becauuuse...), and I will cross my arms and say 'fuck no.' if someone wants an unreasonable favor.

 

So yeah, I'm just not what people tend to look for when they want to date/have sex with someone. I know my personality doesn't help, but neither does my location(Bible Beeeelt!) or the types of people I keep finding. I'm not specifically looking because I know the odds of finding anyone out in Rural Alabama is....slim, at best. I'd rather put my energy into cultivating hobbies, then look more actively for someone when I move to a real city--Austin, Tx, is on the map, as is New Orleans, LA & Savannah, GA-- All three actually have better chances than here, and I'm lazy--I'd rather put effort into looking when the chances are good.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on October 6, 2011 at 10:22pm

Most of the time, the only guys interested in me at first look are chubby chasers looking for a one-night partner to fulfill their fetish.

I really don't understand this one.  If a guy likes women of that specific attribute, why wouldn't he want a relationship with a girl like that?  I'd blame it more on them being assholes in general.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on October 6, 2011 at 10:29pm

I've had multiple guys stop talking to me when they figured out I wasn't going to drive over and have sex with them that week. It's kind of disheartening, really, because being treated like I'm only "good enough" for one night stands but not a 'real relationship' pisses me off but also makes me lose any sort of trust I have in the opposite gender of my age.

 

I think it's a status thing. A guy may like fat chicks, but it's 'understandable' for him to have a one-night stand with a fat chick(because he's desperate for sex, riiight?), but if he dates one, he's automatically saying he's not good enough to date a thinner woman who's 'worth more' on the social standard.  By insisting that fat chicks were just his one night stand--he's keeping more with the status quo. He likes fat chicks, but he doesn't want to be seen in public with them.

I've actually run into this a lot with any group of guys who claim to be into fat chicks--they like the idea of sex with a fat woman, but a real relationship is out of the question because they value their social standing more.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on October 6, 2011 at 10:35pm

Hmm, guess I'm weird.  My girlfriend dragged me into bed.  I didn't want to push the issue of sex too early in the relationship.  Mind you, once I get the go-ahead, my libido is a bit over the top.

 

I ... guess ... I can see what you mean about dating/sex with fat chicks.  I dunno.  I guess I need to associate with more assholes, so that I'll encounter that more.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on October 6, 2011 at 10:44pm

Oh, I do have a libido, but I'm not going to have sex with someone...just to have sex with someone. I can't be attracted to someone if I can't have a good conversation with them.

 

Lol, you seem like someone who cares less about social standing/the social ladder than many of the guys I've met in college--I ran into one opinion again and again--that they were "too good" now that they were in college, to date a fat girl like me. Even if they were fat themselves. Even if we had lots in common and he seemed to enjoy talking to me--He was just "too high up" on the social ladder to bother dating me. It's quite cruel, but that's how I was treated many times--it's why I often wasn't invited places or to parties, because I didn't have high status--one of my exes would always get invited and go alone, because his social status was higher than mine.

Human social status is honestly heartless, and no one seemed to care that I was a person with ideas and an intelligent mind--all that mattered was that I was fat, and thus lower on the ladder of social treatment. It was also interesting to see much more attractive girls who had no nerdy interests whatsoever show up to anime/nerd things and get treated like goddesses.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on October 6, 2011 at 10:56pm

Well yeah, sex is mostly about making my partner feel good, as far as I'm concerned.  If I don't care enough about someone to spend the time and effort on her orgasms, then I'll just go masturbate.

I'm not necessarily all that restrictive.  I have a few platonic, female friends with whom I would have sex, if they were at all interested.  That would fall within 'caring enough about her'.  I'm not sleeping with any of my friends, but I wouldn't be specifically opposed to the idea.

Meeting a girl in a bar, having sex with her, then tossing her, though?  Yeah, not my idea of fun.

Conversation is definitely key, too.  You wouldn't believe some of the subjects that have come up during pillow-talk.  Boring pillow-talk is boring.

 

Yeah, I don't give a damn what most people think about me.  Anyone who cares about that sort of social-status bullshit isn't someone whose opinion I'm likely to value.

I'll take the sort-of-cute geek-girl over the less mentally-interesting model any day.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on October 6, 2011 at 11:14pm

Pillow-talk before has consisted of Mars Colonies and Anti-lightsaber armor. Just FYI.

 

See, part of the sadness is--I was interested in guys in college, and then being turned down for that reason--it honestly lowered my opinion of them. Not because I was rejected, but because they were rejecting me for shallow, puerile reasons. I could honestly see if we had nothing in common or if he didn't know me, but when I've chatted to him for like a month and suddenly it's "No, you're too ugly for me to date."(none of them say this, though, they always give me some bullshit like 'we just don't mesh well' or 'there's not a special spark between us.')

FUUUUUUUUUU now I don't respect them anymore. Of course, I still talk to them occasionally, because I have so few friends to begin with.

Permalink Reply by Michael on October 11, 2011 at 3:54pm

Boy, it's amazing to me how similar experiences can be.  

I get the same thing from the women I meet - they love talking to me, but as soon as they see a picture, and realize that I don't look like a movie star, it's backpedalling time.  

Interestingly, a few are actually honest enough to come right out and say, "You're a great guy but you're just not good looking enough for me."  

It's a bummer, of course, but at least I find it better than getting a stupidly-obvious lie, like "There's just no chemistry". (Oh, yeah? There sure was before you knew what I looked like!)

Permalink Reply by Maruli Marulaki on October 11, 2011 at 4:03pm

Here is a woman's very different opinion about looks:

I accept the looks of a man, if he does not modify the natural state of his body.   He does not shave but has a beard, he does not have any disgusting tattoos or piercings, he has not made himself overweight by eating too much.    He has not muscles like a stud.  

I have never rejected the contact with someone, who is natural.   But I reject them for self-modification.   

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on October 11, 2011 at 4:09pm

I get the stupidly obvious lies about 99% of the time--

"I just don't feel anything special or magical between us."

"There's just no spark with our relationship."

(Means: I don't feel like I'm winning a prize by talking to you.)

"I don't feel butterflies when I talk to you."

(means: There are more attractive girls for me to fantasize about having sex with around.)

And the best one:

"I have many levels, and you only have a few."

(Means: I think you're shallow for not realizing that I deserve a better-looking sex partner)

I've had multiple people go "it's not good to be bitter about things like this." and I always say "I'm NOT bitter, I am upset that people think I'm too stupid to see straight through their complete and utter lies--to the real reason they're rejecting me." Which they assume it's bitterness--when really this is more of an indirect insult to my intelligence. Like I won't REALIZE a day later that a guy who turned me down because he "couldn't deal with a relationship right now" has a girlfriend?

 

And I will talk to a guy as long as his message isn't "let's fcuk" or ".....mmm." or something. I usually check the profile before I make a final judgment. If it's full of Nascar, Football, Raised Trucks, Muddin', and Bible verses(LOATHE EVERY ONE OF THESE THINGS) I pass--we've obviously got nothing in common and it'd never work anyways. I used to reply to these guys with "....do you have a single thing in common with me?" and they always got extremely angry so I just delete them now. I -was giving- them a chance to say "oh yeah I totally love Doctor Who and Stargate." or something--but nope. Just bitched at me and said I was a whore most of the time. Ah well.

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