Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shannon Equality Barber on June 12, 2012 at 8:19am

Actually, part of why I am here in this group is because I refuse to settle. I am so turned off by the idea of dating theists that I really would rather stay single.

As for chemistry? If I am intellectually attracted to someone, then the chemistry usually follows.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on June 12, 2012 at 8:53am

Depends what you mean by settling.  There are obviously deal-breakers, like the big one Shannon mentioned.  I have a couple, myself.  Theism is obviously a no-no, as is smoking.

Exactly what do you mean by chemistry?  When I hear most people use the term, it generally seems to boil down to sexual attraction.  I guess that is a requirement for a romantic relationship.  If you don't want to jump someone periodically, how is your relationship not just friends or roommates or something?  Without the emotional and sexual bond ... well, what's the point?

Permalink Reply by Shannon Equality Barber on June 12, 2012 at 9:00am

When I think of "chemistry" I think of the combination of it all- intellectual attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction. And you are right, without those things, all it is is friendship.

Permalink Reply by Paul Reed on June 12, 2012 at 10:26am

I like the idea of what you might call a provisional settling. Like, settling until someone better comes along; obviously with the knowledge and consent of the partner.

It's kind of like the "If neither of us meet someone by the time we're 40, let's marry each other" pact that's on TV sometimes, but with the added openness of possibly moving on.

Hope this made sense.  :)

Permalink Reply by Rachel Melinek on June 12, 2012 at 11:14am

Some people say accept a date from someone if they seem nice, you can learn to like someone. It could happen that way afterall I've been friends with people, who I've not initially been attracted to but fancied them after I've got to know them. So maybe there is something in being open, I now follow the three date rule. Say yes to dating as long as they meet certain criteria (e.g.they are atheist) but if there is no chemistry after three dates end it. The three date rule allows time for you to see if you click on an intellectual level and means that you are less likely to rule out a potential partner.

Permalink Reply by Dan on June 13, 2012 at 9:26am

I have come to see it this way.

I have three sets of "things" that I rate people on.

1 - Deal breakers - These are things I simply can't overlook or compromise on. It's not a big list but there are some critical things. Something like smoking is on this list. Another thing for me is seasickness. If you get sea sick it will not work, I want someone who wants to spend time on the water and getting sick won't do.

2 - Important things - These are things that may bug me but I'm amenable to compromise and I won't say no outright. However, I will be on guard for the time being. Someone being a theist often falls under this category. Simply because most women I meet are more "spiritual" than religious, whatever the hell that means.

3 - Unimportant things - All the other shit I just don't care about. The vast majority of things fall under this category.

At the end of the day though, as another poster said it does come down to chemistry. Which is not just sexual. There is intellectual and emotional chemistry as well. If it's not there, it can't be created. At least that has been my experience.

I guess you could say I'm very picky, I just say I simply know what won't work with me.

Permalink Reply by Orson_Zedd on June 13, 2012 at 11:59am

depends on how old you are.

Permalink Reply by brian on June 13, 2012 at 10:40pm

  Yes Again what do you mean by Settling.  do you just to give up looking the the "Perfect" match and settle with close enough? or to settle down with life and have a family?

   I'm interested in Chemistry. that is what makes such a good match. Aside from non religious. I want some one who enjoys outdoors, Hiking, Backpacking, Rock climbing, Kayaking and such.

 

   Once you have that chemistry and sex comes it makes (generaly) makes the sex that much better.

   Yes if there is no chemistry and you continue to see each other then it is just essentially Friends with Bennifits.

  brian

 

Permalink Reply by Keith Brian Johnson on June 13, 2012 at 11:19pm

I think it depends on what one means by "chemistry." Usually, I think of people's desire for "chemistry" as a desire for magic--as a desire for something that they take to be entirely beyond their control. It hits, and they're swept away. I generally disapprove of that. It's great if what you want is a fling, I suppose, but for a long-term relationship?

My own view is that the important thing is that you be able to get along with each other and that you *choose* to be loving toward each other. Passion follows. Some people just don't seem to believe that it does. I don't mean that if you're patient and wait ten years it will follow. I mean that it follows upon the conscious decision to be loving toward each other.

I always suggest reading Deborah Tannen's That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. I also suggest looking at the results of the PAIR (Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships) Project, which studied what characteristics tend to be associated with relationships' lasting and what characteristics tend to be associated with relationships' not lasting. (One finding is that people who are dissatisfied with their relationships are, on average, no more compatible and no less compatible with their partners than people who are satisfied with their relationships. But they *think* they're incompatible, and they focus on that, and they brood over that, and they end up leaving or driving their partners to leave.)

 

Permalink Reply by Yvette Roach on June 14, 2012 at 1:53pm

Well i have had a lot of good chemistry with men that were not a good match for me. I know what your talking about when you say you don't want to "settle". I never wanted to just settle for someone and that is why i am still single today. I often thought that i should have, there were plenty of guys that were interested but i just couldn't "settle" on one when i felt the right one was still out there. I am a romantic of sorts and i am looking for that certain "one". I do believe many people settle for "good enough" because they don't want to be alone. I watched a lot of my friends do that. It is hard to wait for the right person when you may never find them. So on the basic issue of "settling" i say i would rather not waste someone else's time. When you do find that one i believe the chemistry will be there and you won't have to analyze it.

Permalink Reply by Michael OL on June 14, 2012 at 1:55pm

We have a "can-do", "I can have anything that I want" culture that enjoins people to optimize.  Optimize your career choice, your investment strategy, your hairstyle, your choice of mate - everything.  This culture says to never settle, for any settling is shortchanging oneself.

I think that that's nonsense.  So much of our lives is beyond our control, even when we consciously strive towards a goal that is reasonable and which we are in principle equipped to attain.  While one should not "settle" on the first available partner who bothers to return one's phone calls, it is ludicrous and dangerous to optimize.  Find Mr./Miss "good enough", and settle for that.

Permalink Reply by Scott Musselman on June 16, 2012 at 8:14pm

There is not settling and then there is removing yourself from any chance of finding companionship through unrealistic levels of restriction. I have physical and mental likes and then I have some repulsion towards some physical or mental characteristics. I can't settle for someone in the repulsion side of things as it would never work but you also have to be careful about restricting yourself out of possibilities.

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