I would like all of your perspectives on this as well. Sent this to Matt at Tranifesto.com, as being genderqueer makes me part of the T in LGBT, as well as the L/G.

Hi Matt,
Firstly, I'd like to say I really enjoy your blog, and I never miss a post! I don't respond much because I am gay and genderqueer, not FTM, and I don't want to intrude too much.

Anyway, I think this is a question that can be helpful to ANY LGBTQ+ person, and I'd like to get your perspective. My question is handling prospective relationships across different faiths, and faith vs no faith. Personally, I prefer to date other atheists. I have a VERY painful past with religion, as you might have read in the post on the transphobic incident with the Shul. However, I get a lot of flack for making organized religion a dealbreaker. Here are my reasons for that:


1) I am a militant, hardline atheist. I don't make any apologies about the fact that I did a LOT of research over the course of three years into the Abrahamic faiths, and I learned a lot that most believers either don't know or choose to ignore.

2) I have PTSD when it comes to churches. I literally cannot go into one without taking a xanax and hoping it doesn't wear off and I don't have a panic attack.

3) When someone is heavily faithful, it permeates every aspect of their lives, and, by default, the lives of those close to them. I don't want those beliefs and the actions of a religious partner that are a result of them affecting me on any deep level. I don't see how this could be avoided.

4) I want to understand my partner on a deep level in every way possible. Dating a faithful partner would mean that there is a deep part of her, and something she holds very dear that I cannot understand, and, in some ways, don't even have a whole lot of respect for.

5) I view religion as a huge reason for the oppression of LGBT+ people in America and around the world, and I really can't see it being anything short of masochistic to participate in a system of beliefs that, essentially, finds my mode of living and the very core of what I am to be some kind of offensive abomination.

Now, do you see these reasons as valid for making religion a dealbreaker when searching for a mate? If not, why not?

Also, I have been accused of being discriminatory, but I put it into the category with all other dealbreakers. For instance, I don't want children, and don't date women who have or want children. Nobody seems to have a problem with that. Why is it a problem to make religion a dealbreaker, but not kids? 
Note: Some of this is gay/blog specific, but I think the good folks in here can look and give me some perspectives. :)

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Replies to This Discussion

I believe religion is a dealbreaker for a lot of reasons. I've met super liberal religious people, but the fact is that I am a loud-mouth Atheist that WILL get on a religious person's nerves, no matter whether they're conservative or liberal about their faith, so I'm not even going to plant the seeds for that possibility.

I think so, too. But seems folks don't see it that way, and get pissed off when their faith is a dealbreaker.

Yeah, you should have support within your partnership, when bickering with your extended family over religious matters, not another source of opposition.

My situation is a little unique. LGBTQI atheists tend to be REALLY fucked up. Like, REALLY. All that apologizing for living, justifying being both queer and religious,etc.

Also, my past with religion leaves no room for allowing that BS in my life at all for any reason.

Even beyond that, though, there's the fact that I just cannot ignore the fact that there is a part of her that I just. do. not. respect. At all, for any reason.

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