I've become single over the last year and even though i'm definitely hoping to find a new guy during college, i'm wondering if being uncomfortable with sex is something I need to grow past. I mean I have sex now...with my ex-boyfriend, but I know its cause we're not only best friends, but we're more than 100% comfortable with each other. How is it that I feel like a virgin and get really nervous and uncomfortable around any other situation involving sex? I recently met this other guy who seems to be quite taken with me, but he keeps getting all romantic and shit on me, talking about how passionate he kisses and how he like to make his woman feel like she's been swept off her feet and blah blah. I hate shit like that in general but every time he speaks like some dead poet my stomach churns. It gets me thinking about where time may take me with him, and frankly the idea of sex makes me wanna pass out. 
The reason I bring this up is because I'm not the kind of person to take....well most things seriously. I have a mentality that doesn't allow me to think anything is really serious cause there's always gonna be something worse. I want that with sex...Is it just cause I need to have more? I'm thinking of sleeping with my other best friend who's suggested it before. If it'll give me a more casual attitude towards it... 
Cause this is probably inhibiting my ability to attract a new guy, a lot of people say I'm rather unapproachable, I'd like to think that's something that can be fixed.

I dunno if I'm making any sense here but I'd like to hear what you think. :)

Tags: dating, love, romance, sex, singles

Views: 38

Replies to This Discussion

Believe me, sex is scary.

I'm doing online dating right now, and I'm scared to death of what's going to happen when sex comes up. In fact, you described exactly the same kinds of feelings I experienced the last time it came up. I don't know if I'll be ready, but when it does, I'll just roll with it.

But the thing is, I'm a guy. I can be uncomfortable with sex and it may never come up. I guess, it might be most important with you to discuss this with each guy. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to discuss the topic.
I can't quite believe you wrote what you wrote. First, you are screwing your ex-boyfriend?! If a guy is your current boyfriend, than you can have sex and if he is not you can't. What you are doing and/or your attitudes make no logical sense. How could you be more than 100% comfortable with a guy and yet call him your EX-boyfriend?! As for being romantic, I thought women liked being romantic and being told how they are the best looking girl I have ever seen. If you don't like this then either you pretend you like it, given that the guy may be being sincere and thinks this is how men are supposed to talk to women, or you should be honest and explain what being romantic means to you and why you don't like it. As a general rule I would think you should only be screwing one guy at a time but at least if you are regularly doing it with more than one guy then each guy has to think he is the only one you have sex with. Maybe you would be interested in working as an escort, you know, a woman who works in a legal way where she either works independently or for a agent, and my understanding is the guy contacts the escort agency or the escort directly either over the phone or online, the woman visits the man under the pretense that you are merely providing conversation or platonic friendship, but, as the guy wishes, you might have sex with him. In any case He must not directly pay you for sex, so that everything feels legal...see www.perkel.com, scroll down to the appropriate essays, ane contact me the next time you are going to be in the Columbus, OH area.
I'd have to agree with the overly-sugary sweet talk. 99% of the time it just ends up sounding contrived, faked, and like a desperate line to get laid. I guess some women want/need the sugar saturation. Me; I feel like if a guy is sleeping with me then the attraction largely goes without saying. The occasional "Hey I like that shirt on you" or "Ooh, I like when you do that in bed" suffices for me.

Sex should be a healthy addition to a relationship/friendship. Not the sole basis of it. It's why I hesitate to go on dating sites. But I'm on this group, aren't I?

;-)
LOL, well women have turned men into weenies unfortunately. Society tends to tell us that women want sensitive men that are attentive to women's needs and desires, yet too much of that and men find themselves kicked to the curb. There's just no manual that comes with you women, and many men learn how to treat you by watching television and movies, which lie to us about how women really want to be treated.

You can probably help that guy out quite a bit if you were to tell him that he needs to stop being such a weenie and grow a pair. Don't ruin him though. The chemistry is probably shot between you and him, but that doesn't mean you can't help him for the next girl.

As for you sleeping with your ex, I have to agree that it seems kinda strange that you guys get along so well, yet he's your ex. As for sleeping with the friend, I would imagine that there is something deeper that you're having issues with. I imagine that it may be some self consciousness when it comes to something about it. Whether that is how your body looks, you're worried about your technique, or what, it is nothing to be worried about.

If a guy is in bed with you, he's already checked out the goods and found them to be satisfactory. If it's the technique, guys tend to think of sex like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's good. On top of that, it seems like you might be more inclined to let the guy take control anyway. At that point any bad sex is his fault.

Anyway, hope I helped.
oops.
@Bill S - Want to go out?

Oh damn. You're like 2,000 miles from me.
If it's not enjoyable, then it's not enjoyable. Nobody has an obligation to give somebody something just because of that other person's wanting it. I'm not morally, socially, or ethically required to buy the damn Krispy Kremes just because the people selling them at a table in front of the local supermarket talked to me and asked me to buy some, nor is in the case that I really ought to buy meat from the guys who come around occasionally to sell it from the back of a truck--even if it may hurt their feelings that I didn't. If I don't like the packaging, then I don't buy the meat; basically the same thing is going on here.

If she doesn't like the "packaging" that the guy is putting himself in with the sweet floweriness, then she won't buy the meat, so to speak. If anyone in that equation is being inconsiderate, it's the flowery-packaging guy since he's trying to make an aggressive sale of a product that he has chosen to make appear rather awkward. Whether the disservice is mostly to himself or to others is debatable.
What you are saying makes perfect sense, and you are not insane. I even understand why you are sleeping with your ex-boyfriend. It's quite common for a couple who is very close to continue to be intimate even after breaking up. You even see it in divorce; ex's will often continue having a physical relationship because they are comfortable with it.
The way you are describing boy #2 makes me feel like agreeing with Jo's comment about him just trying too hard and coming across as fake. Of course I could be miss-interpreting things; he could be quite the smooth talker, and smooth talk doesn't always translate well into print.

I suspect the source of your problems with sex can be found with your ex. If you are still having sex with him, it can interfere with you developing a healthy sexual attraction to someone else. I have noticed that women who are still sexually active with an ex tend to stay single until the sex stops (usually when he finds a new woman and stops having sex with you).

Now getting nervous and almost passing out about sex? That just takes time and experience. The best way to overcome that is to get jaded, and I don't recommend that route. Getting a lot of experience isn't a good route either, because that means you have to get your heart broken a number of times.

So to sum up, the best thing I can advise you to do is to stop having sex with your ex (I know, I know, it's really hard to say no) and try to relax around men you are interested in. If you like the guy, and think you would like to have sex with him but are too nervous or feel like passing out? Well, that's what alcohol is for. Just remember, make sure you like the guy and trust him before you use the alcohol to help you relax, otherwise you could find yourself making some big mistakes!
Of course I forgot the most important part: Just relax and have fun! Make friends with a lot of guys in non sexual surroundings (sports groups, hobbies, book clubs, etc) and then when you find a guy you want to talk sex with...well once you're there I think you will know what to do.
Try a freak, a kinkster...all about fun and enjoyment.
I won’t bore you with the details baby
I don’t even want to waste your time
Let’s just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain’t Mr. Right
Sex is absolutely horrifying to me, namely because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes I even find myself bitter about it-- it's almost like when that new movie comes out, and you think it's dumb and too scary, but everyone else loves it and wont shut the hell up about it and wants you to go see it with them. It only makes you hate it more. And they never seem to care or understand why you don't want to watch it. Except with sex, it never ends. Ever. And then you get pregnant.

Atheist men seem more open to sex (inference, not fact obviously). Which is good and bad, but I find that they have a hard time understanding my "unreasonable" and "confusing" wish not to have it. And more so my complete unwillingness to masturbate. I would rather have an atheist partner, or agnostic, or at least a heretic... but no matter how I try to explain myself, I seem to go in circles and in turn, feel guilty for causing so much frustration.

It's a difficult balance. Although I've been labeled insane for this, I occasionally wish sex didn't exist because it would simplify everything. You could be friends with someone or everyone, without all this shit in the way... You wouldn't need to worry, at least, about someone taking advantage of you for sex. Sex is almost always some part of the relationship, hence, always an issue. But theoretically, it should be enjoyable for both parties. If you don't want it, don't have it. It's okay.

My sister says that it's easy to say no when it's your own body. I have to take her word. But, if you feel uncomfortable, just say no. When you first slept with your best friend, was it uncomfortable? If so, it may be a general, natural sex issue, if not, maybe it's this guy. I can certainly relate with the issue. There may be some pushing past it. But don't compromise yourself because you think you "should" be a certain way in relationships.

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