Not counting the first 8 years (blame those on my parents - when I could think rationally I did), I have been a life-long atheist. I put that right in my profile ALWAYS. So why is it almost every message I get is from someone who claims to be an xtian? I understand it from the people who just message me with a "hi" or a "let's hook up" (they can't read big words), but from people who have an otherwise nice and interesting profile or people who obviosly read mine thoroughly..I just don't get it.

If your profile says "Christian and quite serious about it" why would you try to date an "atheist and quite serious about it"?

Do they really think they could convert me this late in the game?

Xtians make no sense to me..

 

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So long as they don't move the goalpost, later on down the line. I guess that's where you need to know and trust someone completely enough to stay for the long run and have kids (or not). I know I would raise holy hell (so to speak) if my partner went along, only to drag the kids to church every Sunday.
Yup, I get enough of the goalpost moving from my mother.  I don't need it in my girlfriend.

Your wife explaining her point of view is completely different from brainwashing a kid into her religion.  You can't be sure of which situation you'll find yourself in, until you have kids.  I've seen several lapsed, apathetic Christians go psycho Jesus-bot after they had kids.  The social pressure to 'raise their kids right' takes over.

 

I've been burned multiple times by moderate Christians who were fine with my lack of religion ... then tried to sink their claws in and drag me to church, after the relationship had gone on long enough that they thought they had the emotional pull.  The fact that their religion demands nothing less is enough to keep me the hell away.

It's not the dogmatic extremists who are the only problem.  The moderate, manipulative ones who want to save you can be just as bad, within a romantic relationship.

"Again, this is equally true of women."
My own observation of man's behavior is no claim that women are better.

"First of all, not everyone feels equally strongly about how closely things need to "match". "
"Finally, not everyone insists on as strict an interpretation of 'agreement' as you have specified."
That is their choice. But when I express explicitly and unequivocally, what I am looking for, and someone disregards it, this is a huge expression of disrespect for my person. I am not taken for serious. There is an urban legend of men, who believe, that when a woman says no, she does not mean it. This urban legend makes some men a big nuisance.
If you go to a shop and ask for a cake, you want cake and not be sold bread instead. If the shop assistent would not only sell the bread but believe, that you are ok with the bread, most people would think, that there is something wrong with the shop assistent.

Maruli, I understand what you are saying, and I agree that what you are describing can be pretty irritating.  But it helps if you understand where it's coming from:

I have observed that there is a large segment of the female population (and undoubtedly of the male population, too) that frequently DO NOT mean what they say, and do not say what they mean.

This is not a "legend", at all, it is a fact of life.  The problem lies in trying to figure out which people are being precise, and which are not.  The issue that you are encountering is that some men are guessing wrong, with respect to you.

If the shop owner's experience is that 95% of the people coming in really want bread when they ask for "cake", then you can hardly blame them for handing you a loaf of bread.  They are simply acting on their best estimate of what the situation is. It's not their fault that you are in the tiny minority who state their wishes explicitly.

I wish people would communicate better, too, and I wish they were always honest and precise about what they want and what they can stand. But as long as most people are vague, conflicted, inconsistent and even dishonest about their needs and desires, others will continue to assume that there may be some leeway in the requirements.

So all I'm saying is that, when someone contacts you that who seems not to be what you asked for, don't look at it as disregarding your wishes. He doesn't mean anything wrong by it. He's simply seeing someone whom he likes, and is hoping that you'll like him, too. 

I have observed that there is a large segment of the female population (and undoubtedly of the male population, too) that frequently DO NOT mean what they say, and do not say what they mean.

I cannot make claims, how much or how little average women take men's statements for serious.   But it is my sad lifelong experience, that men do mean what they say and say what they mean with other men, because they respect them, but they do not do it with women.

 

So I modify my analogy.   When the shop assistent is male, and the woman wants cake, she gets bread, but if the customer is also male, he gets cake.   When the shop assistent is female, then the woman customer asking for cake gets cake.    

But what the male customer gets from the female shop assistent, I refrain from making any assumption. 

Reminds me of one of my favorite lines:
Women go into marriage thinking her husband will change. Men go into marriage thinking his wife won't.

I respectfully disagree.  My lifelong experience is that this issue has absolutely nothing to do with "respect" or lack of it.  It has instead everything to do with the expectation, based on experience, that most women's words don't match their actions.

They say they want cake, but then get upset if they GET cake.  

You're fighting the wrong thing.  If you want men to take women at their word, then women need to stick to their word.  And right now, too many don't.  

 

This reminds me of a kid I knew of in school.  He lied constantly, then turned around and complained bitterly that no one ever believed him. Well, duh.

We just made different experience.   This can be due to cultural differences and to the fact, that in real life, there is a choice with whom to mix.   Since I am slightly allergic to people not consistent in what they say and mean, and to people not taking me for serious, I tend to avoid them.   On the web, attempting to find a suitable parnter, I have to allow all contacts and then discard the non-suitable ones later.

That's a good point.  I've also seen plenty of studies that indicate that people react to having many choices (on the web, for example) by becoming far more selective about what they will accept.  Apparently when our choices are limited, we adapt by being less picky.

I certainly agree that I wish people would be clear and consistent in what they say and mean.  But I doubt they will ever do so, and so I had better just learn to deal with it.  

I wish you the best of luck in finding what and who you seek.

I want you to say something so  will know how dating sites are supposed to work. I'm not kidding. Now, you complain about every man who trys to contact you. Do you actually bother to reply and ask about their religion? You really should because if somebody says "christian and quite serious about it" for all you know they might be unreligious but they still have to put on the pretense they are religious in order to avoid feeling guilty or so their family or friends won't be too angry at them.

 

I will assume that women are not supposed to or don't send out message to men. They just sit back and wait for guys ot contact them. So, I will guess that you don't actually try to contact guys yourself. Another thing I notice from a lot of profiles is that they often say something, don't respond if you are just looking for sex, or however they want to say it. The thing is, this is not necessary to say - at least for me I don't think I want to just have sex and never see a girl again. Sex is just something that has to be worked out between each couple and there are no rules that generically apply to everyone, religion hates sex and there is no reason for any woman to say anything about it if the other person should be just a friend first.

 

So I would guess that when I send a girl a message, she knows about my message if she has logged into the site after I sent it. Then she might or might not actually read it. She will glance at my profile and might or might not read all of it. The girl does not think she is supposed to reply, she just thinks she is supposed ot decide whether she thinks she is compatible with me, and usually I guess they don't answer my message because I'm too short or my nose shape isn't right or maybe because I'm not as fat as them or for whatever other reason. Most women on sites who I try to talk to never respond. One last thing is that I only have the cheapest model cell phone, and I only go on line and log right off after I'm done from a home computer that has a keyboard. So I'm do tell me whether women log on to dating websites from an i-phone and see my messages and intend to reply, like, maybe one week later or 20 years later or at some time a distance into the future, because this is an excuse I've gotten several times when I recently sent certain women 3-5 messages trying to see why they logged into sites but ignored my sincere attempt to get them to talk to me online.  

Being not only in Germany, but living near the border to the Netherlands and Belgium, with people having borders in the mind, I am mostly contacted by either local mismatches or scammers, there are just no compatible guys contacting me.   But my own search is worldwide and also in French and Dutch.  

So if a guy really really seems to fit what I am looking for, I do initiate contact.   Unfortunately, many times they do not agree with my idea that geographical distance is easier to overcome than mental distance.   As a result, I have been rejected by guys, who obviously prefer the available mismatches, just because of the distance. 

If a man's profile is only a slight mismatch, I write a polite rejection to his contacting me.   If he is absurd, I just block him.

But if a man misrepresents himself and would otherwise be compatible, then it is better so, because this misrepresentation is a big turn-off.   An example:  My upper age limit is about 68.   It has happened to me, that someone indicating his age in his profile as 63, has in his private message admitted to being 66 and explained this, that women would reject anybody above 65.   I could never trust him, even though I would have accepted his age.   He is an unsincere manipulator instead of accepting women's choice.

 

 

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