People have made lots of comments to other posts about online dating and I thought it would be fun to kind of compress those into a separate topic.  This is a place to discuss the good times, the bad times, and the plain weird ones.  Talk about your ideas of dating online in general, etc., etc.

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Yes, I'm replying to my own topic, but I didn't want my stories to be the introductory post.

 

So....I have met ONE boyfriend from online dating, despite having been on several websites for years.  I can't seem to bring myself to meet guys from the sites (in this country...I met all sorts of boytoys using online dating in Japan, but it's different). 

I get lots of messages and they're not all from religious kooks and weird Turkish grandpas (though most are).  Yet, even when I "hit it off" with a guy from a site, it just never goes anywhere, which is mostly my fault.  We'll send flirty emails back and forth and they'll ask me out, and I'm never heard from again.  On the rare occasion I do oblige, I go on the first date and, even if I like the guy, I ignore him afterward.

I'm not sure why I do this.  It could be because I have a roommate that I don't like being in my business and I'm nervous about them even visiting me.  It could be because I don't feel that safe meeting strangers here.  It could be because I've had my heart completely smashed a few times.  It could be because I worry my profile and all my pics are totally false advertising.  It could be a combination of all of the above. 

So, online dating is not flawed.  I think it's a great way to meet people, especially because in modern society, just about everyone is in front of a computer of some kind, even little old grannies. 

Well, I met a witch.  Our second date ended when she said I didn't have to share her beliefs, just respect them.  She had seen fairies and though Ouija boards were dangerous.

I also met a prostitute, an activists for the rights of sex workers everywhere.  She ended a call one night with "I've got to get some sleep.  I'm dominating someone in the morning."  I have nothing against prostitutes, but I do want a monogamous relationship, which seemed improbable.

By the way, Katie, I do the same thing you do.  I met someone--a fellow freethinker--a couple of weeks ago.  I liked her well enough, but I've contacted her only once since then.  I think it's a remnant of my depression, some deep recess of my brain the Paxil doesn't reach.

Should I also mention that I have a weakness for redheads and that unlike some of the others on another thread, I'm still in Georgia?  Just tossing it out there.

Craig

  • Well, I met a witch.  Our second date ended when she said I didn't have to share her beliefs, just respect them.  She had seen fairies and though Ouija boards were dangerous.

Hmm, yeah, that's a tough one.  Respect your rights to hold those beliefs?  Yeah.  Respect your struggle against the majority, as a minority religion?  Yeah.  Respect the beliefs themselves and think that you have any justification for holding them?  Not so much.

 

  • I also met a prostitute, an activists for the rights of sex workers everywhere.  She ended a call one night with "I've got to get some sleep.  I'm dominating someone in the morning."  I have nothing against prostitutes, but I do want a monogamous relationship, which seemed improbable.

Uh, wow, yeah.  I'm not strictly against prostitution, and I think it should be legalized, even if I'd never hire one, myself.  How could you possibly date when you're a prostitute, though?  I just can't understand how anyone would be okay with that, unless they had a specific cuckolding fetish or something.  I dunno.

I was just guessing she had mad skills . . . .
Online dating is flawed because most women online are like you.  You never reply enough to guys, and you are afraid to meet people in person.  How am I ever going to find a real relationship if women are afraid to see me in person? 
No, you don't understand.  I have never been in a bad relationship.  I have never been in any kind of relationship.   
You're defining 'being in a relationship' too tightly.  You have a relationship going with this girl you've been talking to for a month or two now.  The moment you contact someone, there's a relationship going there.  If you keep getting the same kind of response from over 20 women, you have to eventually consider that perhaps it isn't just them, and that you really don't know how things are supposed to work.

Forget the 'real' relationship label. It's a romantic relationship that you're talking about. It's still a relationship before that, just a different sort.

 

The comment on the poster still applies. If you're having no luck turning anything into a romantic relationship, even to the point of a girl giving you her phone number, then you should examine your own behavior and see what keeps driving them off. Your statements in your first paragraph speak volumes. They come off as very impatient and desperate. If you're doing the same sort of thing in person, that alone might do it. Add to that any additional discomfort from your social phobia, and you're like a chick magnet ... just of the wrong polarity.

 

And, umm, wow. The attitude in the second paragraph ... I don't even know where to begin with that. It seems like you're focusing on little details that really don't matter in a relationship. And all I'm hearing is negatives.

 

Just accept that bad things are going to happen. I've been on several dates in which I went out to dinner with a girl, despite the fact that I think dinner dates are a horrible way to get to know someone. $40 or $50 for dinner, and then I never heard from her again. It happens. Until you're ready to just let things happen and roll with it, you're not ready for dating. Learn from your experience with your little psycho thief-girl, and guard against that, but don't shut down completely and turn into a miser. That will drive women away, too.

 

And your terminology at the end there betrays a lot, too. You're not 'in a relationship' when you're talking to someone online like that, but you have a relationship with that person. You may not consider yourself to be in a relationship after you've been dating someone for 3 or 6 months. You're only 'in a relationship', like I think you mean it, when the both of you feel like you're a couple and start thinking about life in general in terms of being together with that person.

It seems like you've learned the wrong lesson from your little thief run-in.  Forcing someone to pay for her half of the first date is going to drive off a considerable percentage of the girls.  If you're not dating a feminist who is all about self-empowerment, this sort of thing just doesn't fly in our culture.  If you're put off by spending a lot on a date, then suggest activities that are dirt cheap or free.  I've gone on dates in my local art museum, several times.  This sort of thing is also good for impressing a girl and displaying your depth.  That and I also love art museums, so it's a good excuse to go see it.

 

Explaining your reasoning to a girl won't help matters either, if you do it the same as you have here.  You're coming off as an emotionally scarred wreck, and that will drive off most girls.  The female is supposed to be the head-case in the relationship, right Katie?  :-P

 

Same sort of thing with the alcohol.  Most people in this country consume alcohol.  You may have to just suck it up and accept someone who only drinks very occasionally.  Besides, there are apparently many health benefits of wine, so going from your reasoning on the subject ...

 

And try to work on your self-awareness.  Do you not see how it comes across, when you use the words "a girl who is too much sicker than I am," to describe health habits?  Same sort of thing when you're always talking about being romantic 'enough' or sexual 'enough'.  It sounds very demanding and ... off.

 

Conversing with a girl online can be romantic, if you're doing it right.  Not the heavy-breathing, sweaty kind of romantic, as you seem to define it, but real romance.  You're defining a relationship as only with someone that you have sex with.  You're using much too narrow of a definition.  You have a relationship with your mother and your father.  You have a relationship with your siblings.  You have a relationship with all of your friends.  You have a relationship with me.

 

If you don't learn to like people more and interact with people, in a non-sexual relationship, you're crippling your ability to convince a girl that she wants to be with you long-term and share herself with you sexually.

I'll be succinct this time.  At the moment I wish I wouldn't have to buy a girl alcohol.  Really, I wish that, if I went out with a girl and she got some kind of booze, that I could take it away from her and throw it away and tell her that it is bad for you, but in real life I'll probably chicken out and do no such thing.  But I think alcohol shouldn't exist.  Maybe I'll just tell a girl that we have to do something that is free, or I'll get us to do something free without saying anything about money.  But I can't just let someone use me for free stuff. 

Don't think of it as "using you for free stuff".  Think of it as an investment, or as research if that suits your library science paradigm better.

I was advised many times to simply meet women for coffee first.  I was told that if I met them for dinner and didn't like them right off, then I was stuck with them for an hour or more, and was out $50 bucks.  I was told that if I paid for a dinner on the first date, women would think that I was desperate or that they could use me.

I took them out for dinner anyway.

My goal was to find my soul mate.  My goal was to find a woman who was not going to exploit me.  My goal was to find a woman who was not going to play games with me.  You can't do that over coffee.  You can't find out whether they are going to respect you or not over a latte.  I considered spending $50-$100 per month on dinner dates an relatively mild expense on the path to finding the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

But on the first date, my goal was NOT to get them to sleep with me, and neither was it to get a 2nd date from them.  My goal was to have an enjoyable evening of conversation with someone I had never met before.  And if, in the first five minutes, I knew that I was not going to be romantically interested in them, then I considered the evening to be good practice at interpersonal conversation, and a chance to learn something and grow as a person.

Regarding your hang-up about alcohol, you apparently feel strongly enough about this that you should absolutely be up front about only dating teetotalers.  Otherwise, you are only wasting their time and yours.

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