Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Myke Sorrel on October 20, 2010 at 2:41pm

Nope, and that was the point of me telling her about the second time we was going to see each other, i said "why do you think i took revenge i didn't gain nothing out of not seeing you" yet her ego still made her do what she did Sunday.

Permalink Reply by Carol Putnam on November 8, 2010 at 8:57pm

Tonya, I'm afraid you didn't "win" anything. All you proved by "doing unto him what he did unto you" was that you could be just as cruel and unfeeling. But worse, yours was an act of retaliation. Sure, it sounds like he had some serious maturity (and drinking) issues, and I suspect you were pretty young and immature yourself 20 years ago, but nobody wins or learns anything by deliberately hurting others. Please believe me, I'm not trying to do a guilt trip on you (I'm horribly ashamed even to this day about some of the things I'VE done in the name of "getting even".) Break ups are just plain rotten no matter how they happen. But we still have to grasp and claw and struggle to pull ourselves onto that "moral high ground" despite the pain.

Ironically, I'm in the process of trying to find the courage to leave a man that I know can't possibly be right for me. He's so great in many ways, but so very wrong in others. I don't want to hurt him, but it isn't fair to either of us to keep trying in vain. Loneliness is a bitch, but living a lie is worse.

Permalink Reply by Michael on November 8, 2010 at 10:22pm

Carol, I think people can only find the moral high ground when they are the sort who actually HAVE morals. Sadly, I've met people who honestly seem to have none.

I know how hard it is to leave someone; it would be easier if they were a terrible person. But of course, if they were, you'd never have gotten together with them in the first place. People are all a mixture of good and bad, and whether or not you stay together just depends on whether you can handle the less-desirable traits. But the fact that they are wonderful in some ways makes it so hard to tear yourself away.

If you've done our best, and you're not happy, then that's all you can do. No point in prolonging the inevitable... except that we usually do, anyway.

I wish you the best.

Permalink Reply by Brent Feeney on October 20, 2010 at 4:40pm

Yeah, I got stood up twice - by the same girl, in fact. It was when I was living in South Carolina. I met a girl who worked at a drug store that processed the pictures for the newspaper I was working for at the time. She was really, really cute, great personality. I think she really liked me a lot. We talked and I asked her out; we arranged to meet at the parking lot in the strip mall the store was located at.

Appointed time came and went, no girl. Waited for a few hours, naively thinking she was running late. She never showed. I went home nearly in tears, another wasted Saturday night. We talked and we tried it again. Same result - never showed up. I went home really hurt and angry.

We hooked up later on but I wound up leaving the paper and moving back home to St. Louis - I was totally burned out and fed up with, well, a lot of things. I found out several years later she had gotten married to someone else.

Still think about it now and then and recall how hurt and embarrassed I was at the time. Haven't dated much since then either and I'm wondering if my best chance to find someone has passed me by - turned 50 back in September.

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on October 21, 2010 at 2:11pm

Going out on a first date once, leaving my roommates all having a men-suck girls night in, with boyfriend and singles woes. I felt all smug because *I* had a date.

Until that date stood me up. Came home to my roommates, slammed the door behind me, shouted "Men suck!" and proceeded to join the girls-night-in.


Other one, I'm not sure if it counts as "stood up." We hit it off well and I mean really, really well. Then all of a sudden, several weeks later, nothing but the cold shoulder. At least I didn't get all self-conscious, wondering what *I* did wrong. I felt it was really issues on his part. Especially since I was rebound-girl. But still: I am absolute crap at guessing what people are feeling/thinking. It sucks to have hit it off so well with the guy and all of a sudden, one day, it's like I've got the plague or something.

Grrrrr......

Permalink Reply by Michael on October 21, 2010 at 2:50pm

OK, I can't honestly figure out why anyone would do that to you. Every time I've let thing s lapse with someone, it was because there were obvious problems with the relationship in one way or another, or else we talked and decided to end things. I've never just pulled a disappearing act.

But I have had it done to me, and I always wonder why, and what happened.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on November 6, 2010 at 11:51am

Oh fine, discriminate against us weird, creepy men. I see how it is.

I dunno, really. I really have had emergencies pop up at the last minute ... not on a first date, but with other random dates. Someone should at least have the decency to call as soon as they find out. And if you've changed your mind and aren't feeling up to it, CALL. Better than letting someone wait around somewhere for an hour, wondering. Some people just have zero empathy.

Permalink Reply by Carol Putnam on November 8, 2010 at 9:16pm

Wow, does this topic bring back (bad) memories. Just last year in September I was seeing a man who said he loved me. Worse part: I allowed myself to believe him. I allowed myself to believe that after all the long, lonely years I had finally found someone to love and who genuinely loved me--ME! We made plans for a romantic dinner; we had talked about it all week and how we were both looking forward to it. Saturday came; I got myself all dolled up in my prettiest dress, waiting for him. I was so happy and practically giddy with excitement. THE MAN I LOVED WAS COMING TO TAKE ME TO DINNER! And afterward we would make love and spend a fabulous weekend together. The hour approached. Then it arrived (he, however, did not.) Half an hour passed...an hour. I told myself he just got hung up at work. I tried calling. He didn't answer his cell (and he ALWAYS answers his cell--when he wants to.) So there I sat in my pretty dress, waiting for the man who said he loved me. After two hours had gone by I could feel my heart breaking. He finally called me three hours late--long after I had taken off my pretty dress and washed the "clown makeup" off my face--to tell me that he didn't feel the same anymore. When I asked how could he do this, he just said "I guess you love me more than I love you." And that was it. The end. I never saw or heard from him again. I lost a lot of trust that night. I don't know if I can ever get it back. Ever.

Permalink Reply by Michael on November 8, 2010 at 10:02pm

Carol, I'm really, really sorry that that happened. The only thing I can say is that there are crumbs like that everywhere, (both men AND women!) but there are also good people who would never, ever do something like that. I hope you find one of them and that he will be able to restore some of your trust.

Permalink Reply by Myke Sorrel on November 10, 2010 at 8:21am

I agree, i think it's so wrong to stand someone up. He could have at least seen you and been a man to tell you face to face, smh.

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