ATHEIST COMEDY STAGE GROUP

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ATHEIST COMEDY STAGE GROUP

A place where you can tell your jokes, tall stories, insult religion, put in your two cents and add funny lines.

Website: http://www.atheistcomedystagegroup/atheistnexus.org/group
Location: New Mexico
Members: 9
Latest Activity: Mar 20, 2012

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Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on December 10, 2009 at 1:23am
Hey I just had this sent to me; From the Hebrew word for "dedication" or "consecration", Hanukkah marks the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem after its desecration by the forces of Antiochus IV and commemorates the "miracle of the container of oil". According to the Talmud, at the re-dedication following the victory of the Maccabees over the Seleucid Empire, there was only enough consecrated olive oil to fuel the eternal flame in the Temple for one day. Miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, which was the length of time it took to press, prepare and consecrate fresh olive oil.

Hey just another good fairy tale to add to the list of the other fairy tales. Oil that burns eight days sounds like some one purposely set an oil well on fire in the Middle East and they allege it happened thousands of years ago to pass the blame on a bunch of Jews that didn't even know what the f-ck they were talking about because back in those days they believed the earth was flat and the only god was either the guy they were sleeping with (did I say sleeping? I meant screwing) or some one's wife that her old man couldn't get it up anyway because he was over worked, over paid and over the hill. Anyway any fool with half a brain can see right through this story as I'd call it not the oily story I have heard coming out of the Talmud as I have heard em all and it always starts with either oil or blood as there were lots of S & M going on back in those days too you know. In fact the Jews started it all, you got to give them credit for that anyway of starting good sex and it was the Christian that screwed it all up for everyone else because they were so full of wine (and bull) they were in no mood to have good sex nor even bad sex, so they were jealous that the Jews were having so much fun in bed that the Christians made sex a sin. It just goes to show what sore loosers they are.
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on December 10, 2009 at 1:06am
Sorry about some of the misspelling, but when you get my age misspelling aint half as bad as believing this so-called-true-story about some dude born two thousand years ago in a place that never existed until 1700 years ago. (How very convienient.) Anyway I should have checked my spelling before I posted it, which is more than I can say about the writers of the buy bull, if you get my drift.
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on December 10, 2009 at 12:55am
Marry Kristmas because no one else will marry the dumb Christian broad and Happy New Year (he's the guy that didn't marry her.)
May all your holidays not be filled with bull sheet by having to listen to a bunch of fairy tales about this Jewish whore claiming to have been a virgin before and after her pimp Joseph knocked her up and then blaming it on some ghosts when she probably meant, the old goat referring to Joseph. And this broad who called herself Mary was really a drag queen (so naturally she was a virgin. I mean come one; how in dog's green earth can a drag queen have a baby? She probably snatched it from a hospital nursery.) Anyway getting back to this so-called-real-happening, this drag queen has this snatched baby and unbeknown to her she snatched the new born baby of a mob kingpin, so this mobster who was actually a don sent his boys to kill every male baby born that night in hopes the young queen will come clean and give up his old lady's baby. But this queen's pimp; old Joseph has no intentions of giving up the baby cause he figures it's trap anyway and he and his drag queen wife will get whacked, so they steal some one's jackass because only a two legged jackass would part his jackass out front of his pad with the keys left in the dash. Anyway Joseph and Mary the drag queen take off on this jackass headed south and when they get word on the street that there is a mob hit out on them Joseph says to Mary, "Jesus the mobs after us and we got to blow town." Course Mary not having named the stolen baby yet decides that if anyone asks what her baby's name is she will say "Jesus." And they might replies with another question, "What kind of name is Jesus to name a kid? That sounds like a sissy name." And Mary gets upset and exclaims "For Jesus Christ what is so sissy about the name Jesus? You know I could have named him Sue or Sally or Shirley. For Christ sake you people sure know how to insult a girl." Anyway getting back to this real boring story; old Joseph and Mary take Jesus on this Jackass and flee south to Egypt because the Muslims don't know their ass from their belly button and don't know that Joseph is a Jew on account he is dressed like them and his old lady Mary is wearing a head scarf, and besides they have their eye more on the jackass than Mary and Joseph cause the figure "hell we don't need another jackass moving in on our territory." Anyway to make a long story short, this Jesus character grows up and starts his own mob and tries taking over the other mob's territories, so they offed him by hanging him on a cross and as they say "the rest is history" if we are to believe this tale to be true. So to everyone out there is fairy tale land; Happy Solstice!
Comment by Alex Tyler on December 9, 2009 at 4:23am
"Lets clap our hands, for the president and Jesus Christ... and did I meantion Charlie Manson and everybody lse who was nice?" - Daron Malakian of Scars On Broadway.

Their god heals people and transforms H2O into alcohol, Thor stikes enemies with lightning from his warhammer and dines in Odens Hall... I think we all know who'd win in a fight, right? XP
Comment by Little Name Atheist on November 19, 2009 at 1:06pm
I started to post about the other comedy/humour groups on the site, but that got eaten when my cat stepped on the keyboard. Feel free to search on your own. I'll try to get back to this later.
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on November 19, 2009 at 1:08am
And its the word of the Lard too. Praise the Lard Howie Lulu!
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on November 18, 2009 at 2:42pm
Straight from the Buy Bull: The Lard-head's prayer:
Our father who is not in heaven, Howie be thy name. Thy kingpin come, thy Willy be done, on earth as it is in New Haven Connecticut. Give us this day our daily whole wheat bread. And for give us for passing gas as we forgive those who pass gas before us. And lead us not into hot temperatures, but deliver us from El Paso (its hot down there.) For thine is the kingpin, and the power broker, and the glory hole forever. A women.

Jonny Cat 3:16 For Dog so love the world that he gave his only begotten son of a bitch that whosoever bite him shall have an inferior life.

the 23rd Palm Trees:
The Lard is my sheet head, I shall not want any.
He makes me lie down in cow dung pastures.
He leads me to the whiskey stills.
He restores the soles of my old boots.
He leads me in the paths to the outhouse for his name sake.
Yea though I walk through Sun Valley (Idaho?) of the shallow mind of dead heads, I will fear no beetles, for thou certainly are not with me.
Thy hard rod and thy private staff they certainly comfort me.
Thou prepares table scrapes in the presents of my enemas.
Thou anoints my head with used motor oil,
my beer cup runs over.
Shirley Two Shoes and Mary Mercy seem to be following me all the dizzy days of my life and I shall be forced to dwell in the House of used lard forever.

Palm Trees 100:
Make a farting noise into the lard all ye stage hands.
Serve the lard with gettiness, come before his presence with stinging remarks.
Know that he the lard is goo.
It is he that has tried to put the make on us and not wee-wee on ourselves.
We are his pecker-heads and the sheepish on his pleaures.
Enter into his gates on Thanksgiving day, and into his courtship with pause. Be tank full unto him and blast his name.
For the lard is gooey, his mercy sakes a live is not long lasting and his tooth endures to all degenerates.

Blasted are the poor that can't afford spirits for theirs is the kingpin of New Haven Connecticutt.
Blasted are they that have morning sickness as I shall cover them with a comforter.
Blasted are the meek for they shall be driven off the face of the earth.
Blasted are they they that are hung over and thirst after some righteous whiskey, for their jigger shall be filled.
Blasted are the merciful, for they shall obtain a vial of mercury.
Blasted are the pure farts, for they shall be forced to smell a dirty dog.
Blasted are the pee makers,for they shall be called puppies of Dog.
Blasted are they which are prostituted for all the right reasons, for theirs is the kingpin of New Haven Connecticutt.
Blasted are ye when men shall make a pass at you and prostitute you and shall slobber over you for my name sake.

Thou shall have no other dogs before me (as I am a cat person.)
Thou shall not make any grave imagination of what I look like, either in New Haven Connecticut or New Bedford, nor in Boston.
Thou shall not bowwow down to them, nor serve them dog food, for I am the Lard head thy Dog am a jelly dog visiting the equals of the fathers upon the puppies of the turt and foam of degenerates of them that hate me.
Thou shall not take the name of the lard thy dog in your veins.
Remember the slob day and keep it full of holes.
Sexy days thou shall labor and sleep around but on the seventh thou shall be a pest.
Thou shall honor thy feather and thy mummer.
Thou shall not have a skill
Thou shall not commit to be an adult
Thou shall not make steel
Thou shall not go bare at thy neighbors
Thou shall not cover thy neighbor's louse, nor thy neighbor's wife, nor his man servant, nor his maid servant, nor cover his ass, let him cover his own ass.

{And this is the Word of the Lard}
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on November 18, 2009 at 1:13am
or buy bull. That cake was sure good too and I was suppose to take it back home with me, but I forgot it until I remembered it 50 miles down the road and I was not about to turn around to get it as I still had over 500 miles to drive home which I did in two days. Next year I'll probably not have a cake as that cake cost my sister $22 from a health food store as it was full of fresh fruit (blueberries & strawberries) and rich goat's milk cream and natural sugar. I did not get sick from eating it but I got sick when I realized I forgot it as I started home to southern New Mexico from northern Colorado where I went to see my younger sister for my 77th birthday driving 650 miles in one day and 12 hours going up. What a horrible trip getting caught in a down pour, cars backed up for 12 miles moving at a snail pace on the interstate, same coming back. Colorado has terrible traffic.
Comment by Eagle Ashcroft on November 17, 2009 at 8:30pm
In this day and age there is little laughter in the world, mostly a lot of crying, but I prefer to laugh to escape a world of lunatics (religious nuts) and even make fun of them. In fact I have put together a renaming of all the books of the bible:
for Genesis=Degenerates
for Exodus=Exhaustion
for Leviticus=Leave-us-alone
for Numbers=Numb Skulls
for Deuteronomy=Donkey Rummy
for Joshua=Gosh a while
for Chronicles=Chronic Pain
for Nehemiah=Knee his rear
for Psalms-Palm trees
for Proverbs=Probabilities
for Isaiah-I say a screw you
for Amos=and Andy
for The Acts=give em the axe
for all of the other books=give them the axe too.
 

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