It'll never see ink I'm sure. So tell me what you think.

 

 

Masquerade

From the symphonies shattered heart rises the melody,

The tired notes of the players drifting so melancholy,

Winthin this tune we must weave ouselves quite methodically,

the passion of the song makes lovers hearts incendiary.

 

The soft hues of resonance flows out as it is captured,

So that the dancers come together lifted in copious rapture,

It this dark room they are alone umoung many live structured,

Wishing for a place in the heart as thier minds rupture.

 

The dancers shy away from the nights lonely simplicity,

back and forth the drift the the marble floor in multiplicity,

Spinning gently together within the musics synchronicity,

Held together in hopeful silence of loves duplicity.

 

Smiling they drivel on in chorus about bland benevolence,

Leaving who they really are to a life without conscious,

Unkempt and sad thanks to sacrifices to thier own innocence,

More thespain now and being as a feind of malevolence.

 

With weak smiles and lowered eyes they have become a charlatan,

Passing thier former souls from behind a crimsion curtain,

Thier once founded glee and jubilation has now become uncertain,

And they cannot leave the party without being forever burdened.

 

In time this ensemble will grow weary of the droning Facade,

forever rapt in internment, inadequate, alone and afraid,

Suffering souls to pitiful impersonation and mock parade,

caught everlastingly, oblivious within loves endless masquerade.

 

Jn VANN

 

Views: 318

Replies to This Discussion

Yep, Monkey P, your poems definitely need a careful spellcheck - they are not mere typos. Your poems are quite evocative and ambitious, demonstrating an extensive vocab range. But I think they need more precision, which to me is vital in poetry. Every keystroke counts. I noticed an apostrophe or two missing. A poet must demonstrate absolute mastery of every aspect of written language - the craftsmanship is just as important as the ideas. There can't been any hint of an unintentional grammatic or spelling error.

Please understand I'm not just sniping. I have to be critical to be helpful. I'm no Lord Byron myself, but I go back and edit - a lot. Oscar Wilde is reputed to have said, when asked if he'd been busy: 'Yes, very. This morning I inserted a comma, and this afternoon I took it out.' That's what poetry is about.

Could I also presume to offer a little advice about rhyming, which happens to be my forte. Actually you'll find that a lot of the best contemporary poetry and lyrics don't rhyme at all. But if you're going to use rhyme, don't fudge it. Matching the last syllable isn't enough, you have to do it on the stress, e.g. benevolence and malevolence are fine, innocence and malevolence are not; curtain/uncertain OK, charlatan/curtain no. Rhymes using 'icity' and 'ation' are amateurish, avoid these. Also, try to fit in some unusual or surprising rhymes as well as the predictable standard ones, e.g. 'Come on Kath, he's a lawyer, he ain't the one for ya' (Tom Waits).

I'm no expert, just a poetry lover trying to help. Cheers and please write more.

Thanks for the advice. I struggle with my grammer alot. I have Dyslexia so I have to go back over and over again to find those things(I.E Faer/fear is a common issue). That often makes going back to find grammar errors on top of it nearly unbearable. But, I do what I can. I will also admit I don't put as much effort into blog posts as I would something for submission. As far as the rhyme thing, these poems are from when I first started doing poetry and are easy to remember(I posted these while at work) so, yea they are amateurish :P. I'll post one of my later poems from when I started to stray away from the Ryhming habit.

Well then, congratulations on your achievement! Had I known about your dyslexia, I would not have been so critical. In fact I was worried I might have discouraged you, which was the last thing on my mind. You have some beautiful ideas. Keep 'em coming.

Spell checkers are limited because they don't discriminate contexts, spelling variants and deliberate misspellings. They will tell you that 'thier' should be 'their', but not whether it should be 'there' or 'they're', for example. Poets also twist grammar and syntax in unusual ways, and invent new words. In my poem on the main page, I use the words 'limity' and 'anecdotive', neither of which exist. I also made a grammar mistake, actually it's an editing typo, where I failed to delete a word when I revised (See if you can find it.) Good luck.

No sir, no such thing as critical for a writer/poet. Any advice is welcome. moreso when it's polite and constructive. My issues are one of the reasons I enjoy poetry so much, you can get away with "Yodaish" garble in poetry that you may not get away with in other settings. I.E "to the well we went" often enough it comes out like that for me reguardless of forethought.(Hell I just did it. Should have typed "comes out for me like that reguardless")I'll leave that as a further example. Also, I enjoyed your work as well.  We poets are a rare breed so we need to stick together.

'It comes out like that for me regardless'

'It comes out for me like that regardless'

The first version is better. Maybe you should follow your instincts. Your misspelling of 'regardless' is nothing to do with dyslexia, it's just bad spelling, lol.

Re. 'to the well we went' and other inversions of standard s-v-o patterns, poets do it all the time for various reasons, but you still need to gain control over it.

The standard Japanese sentence structure is quite different to English. They would say 'We to the well went'. (Watashi-tachi wa ido e ikimashita.) That's just a simple sentence. When you encounter add-on phrases and clauses, the word order and structure can be near incomprehensible, even if you understand the words.

The main problem for people in English is not the grammar so much but the irregular spelling and pronunciation. It's probably the worst language in the world for that.

Anyway, have fun with your compositions, and I look forward to seeing more. By the way, I just posted another poem on the main page. Pls check it out.

Sensei, do you ever do word play, as in the following;

  Graceful, gamboling giraffes, gleefully greedily grazing, gallantly gloriously galloping.

It's just something I like to do sometimes.

Of course! Alliteration is a handy tool in the poet's arsenal, but I think you have to be careful not to overdo it. I teach EFL in Asia, so sometimes I make up original tongue-twisters for my students. Japanese and Chinese people cannot distinguish between R and L phonetically, so I have them try these:

'Relay races are rarely relaxing' raved Raelene to Rory.

'Laura's lovely lyrics in 'Lorelei's Lullaby' are really relics of lyrics in Larry Lawler's 'Lilacs and Lilies'.

The L vs R problem sometimes produces hilarious sentences in advertising, e.g.

(In the Arrivals hall at Kansai International Airport): 'WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR FRIGHT'

(In a CD megastore): 'AYUMI HAMASAKI - CHECK OUT HER BLAND NEW ALBUM'

I do it just for enjoyment, but it does get put to use in other things. Any type of word play, I have found, increases not only your vocabulary, but makes you really think. I do enjoy it so much.

The wounding silence,

Wandering the pathways of the heart

Intent upon glory. Seeking ever to love

but failing.

 

I stagger from its failure, but smile at the world

"Ah" they say, "there goes a happy man",

As I slip ever deeper, treading warily upon

the wrecks of the past, fearful of awakening them.

 

A thunderous, howling wind arises within me.

Calm, calm, I say, as I awake to start again.

Opening the door, I continue as before.

Alone, adrift, awaiting the healing touch of time.

 

 

Wow, Tony, that's kinda deep, even slightly disturbing, but very good. I love the way you are able to express profound ideas without resorting to forced rhyme, like me. You seem to use words to explore your feelings, whereas I use them to escape and tend to deal with externals in a humorous way. So different. I especially like the last two lines of the middle stanza. You have a talent.

Some clarification. I wrote this approximately 8 mos. after my wife died, back in 1996. This was the first piece I wrote when I woke. And by that, I mean, the previous 8 mos., I don't remember.

I have never shared this with anyone other than my son, when he got much older, but as I was going through some of my books, I ran into this again, and decided to post this here, as I value your, and others here, opinions. It was cathartic at the time, and as I just found out, cathartic now as well. Thanks for reading it, my friend. Be well.

I hope time did heal your wounds Tony. Wish you the best my friend.

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