Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on August 22, 2009 at 2:12pm

Nice, but I am just not sure about the final line. It does not seem to fit the tone of the rest of the poem. The poem has nice pacing, and seems thoughtful and reverential, and then that last line really throughs you off. My suggestion would be to change the tone of that last line, then set them aside, and then come back to them later and see which one really works for you. Otherwise, very nice job.

Permalink Reply by Lilith on August 23, 2009 at 7:18am

I really like this poem, I love your imagery it brings natures fources to life. I agree about the last line though. I think for me it needs a word or phrase which brings in the idea of fulfilment, consummation. Fuck seems to modern or something.

Permalink Reply by Ian Mason on August 23, 2009 at 8:49am

P'raps it's coz I reed it in Cockney it turns out alliterative - we pronounce our th's as f's. How about "mounting"?

Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on August 23, 2009 at 4:52pm

Why include the last line? How about something along the lines of to imply as she presented hereself, or opened herself, or something like that. Female dogs, for example, will flag with their tale to show they are receptive and ready for penetration. So just leave the poem at the point where she flags that she is receptive, but you don't have to say what she was receptive for, as that would be implied.

Permalink Reply by Ian Mason on August 23, 2009 at 5:28pm

Because I also want to comment on the local archaic superstitions/beliefs. The idea of the Sea Mother being humped by a hump-back whale appeals to me. I sort of pinched the idea from an old Steve Bell "If" strip where a nuclear sub was shagged in its missile silo by a whale. The submariners lived on what they thought was fish soup for a month!