The World's Largest Coalition of Nontheists and Nontheist Communities!

Old Farts

It's a terrible admission but, as I'm rapidly approaching 50, I believe I'm about to officially become (yes, I know that's a split infinitive!) an "Old Fart".

The problem is, I don't feel a day over 16!

I watch people on television and think, "Oh you stupid old dinosaur!" - and then I realize they're probably younger than me!

I was stunned recently when Donny Osmond appeared on television and began gushing about his grandchildren! What kind of an alternative universe is this?????? Donny Osmond is my age! It is biologically impossible for someone my age to be a grandparent - isn't it????

And then there's those bloody mirrors and shop windows. I go into town feeling young and gorgeous and suddenly I catch a glimpse of some fat old grey haired sheila who looks just like I might look .... at 49 and 3/4. Except I'm 16 and still skinny and gorgeous and I'd never let myself go like that ... would I?

And when did they start using distorting mirrors in change rooms? How can they hope to sell clothes when the mirrors make you look like your boobs have headed south, you're 9 months pregnant, and your chin comes in multiples of 10? I know that's not really me! It's all some capitalist plot!

Shop assistants also drive me insane. They take my credit card and call me Mrs Vensson! Come on! Seriously! Do I look old enough to be married?
I say "Miss - Miss Vensson -as in missed out!"
And they look at me with that blank look that says, "You stupid old fart, are you so senile you don't even remember you have a husband?"

I won't even begin to talk about going to the doctor. Well, OK, yes I will! Since when was someone straight out of grade school allowed to be a doctor? I went to the hospital recently and some 12 year old with a stethoscope greeted me and said, "Now Mrs Vensson ... "
"Miss Vensson" I hissed.
"Sorry, Ms Vensson, can you just step behind this curtain and prepare for an internal examination?"
Like bloody hell, I would!
He must have seen my geriatric scowl as he cowered a minute and then said, "Ahhh, no, I see by your chart it's probably not necessary, let's move on."
Well, that's one advantage of advancing death, you perfect a withering stare that can disarm anyone under 30 at 60 paces.

I'm trying not to think about turning 50. I hope it won't be like my 30th birthday, sitting at home, alone in my apartment, eating a hot pink, penis shaped birthday cake that the pastry chef at work baked for me.

My 40th was fun, but it can't possibly have happened 10 years ago!

I'm beginning to think that the last 34 years have all just been a terrible dream and that one day, in the not too distant future, I'll wake up and realize it's my 16th birthday .... again.

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rev. Mathew G. Thompson on August 8, 2008 at 8:12am

I'm not pushing 50, I'm pulling it!
I'm also starting to develop something around my middle. Not a full-blown 'spare tire' but one for temporary use, not to exceed 45 mph.
Thought the floors in our house were in need of repair but when I heard the same creaking while I was walking around outside I had to rethink that.
I used to be the prince but now I am the king.
Once a king, always a king but once a knight is enough!

Permalink Reply by Realizer on August 8, 2008 at 12:29pm

Just think ahead Kristy, in twenty years you will be the age I am now. Actually it aint all that bad, looking back, some nights you get some and more nights you don't.
All in all I would hate to redo it however, well it is time for me to get back to work......

Permalink Reply by Larry Auerbach on August 8, 2008 at 2:37pm

I'm 53.9 years old now. My big consolation about aging is that I'm far saner, on top of things in my life and happier than I've ever been. I also actually seem to have accumulated some wisdom, and make fewer and fewer inane decisions from year to year. Being a practicing skeptic has certainly helped with that.

My 30th birthday was a low point for me--a hot pink, penis shaped birthday cake would have improved the day immensely-- and it's been all uphill since then.

Permalink Reply by Mary Lupin on August 11, 2008 at 8:17pm

I will be 52 this October. I would (almost) rather be dead than be 16 again. Apart from menopause, which I don't much like, I love my life. My children are grown and I don't have any grandchildren, so apart from the time I must spend at work to pay the rent, my time is MINE. This is the first time in my whole life that this has been true. From the time I turned 13 or 14 I have been cooking, cleaning, etc full-time for (first) my not so stable mother and then after that as a single parent of 2 kids. Now that mom and dad are dead and my kids are grown up and happy and healthy, I can concentrate on what I want to do.

Wahoooooooo! So once this whole hormonal shift is finally done, I can see just how much trouble I can get into and :P to anyone who doesn't like my body or my grey hair.

Permalink Reply by Glenn Davey on August 11, 2008 at 10:07pm

Well, I'm 25. Physically I feel at least more than 21, due to receding hairline, level of energy, the beginnings of wrinkles, and rogue white hairs.

Mentally, I also feel, well - not 16. I don't have the flighty, care-free abandon anymore. I'm careful, and scheming, and balanced. I get tired and bored if I try to stay out late on the town. I'm not as easily impressed or excited by what kids are into these days.

On the upside, I've never been surer of myself. And not in the way a teen knows "everything", but in how I have more self-confidence. I feel like I'm finally an adult, and all the innocence of childhood has melted away. I'm done mourning the youthful version of me, as I feel it has been replaced with a better model. Skeptical, discerning, well-adjusted, and open-minded.

Of course, that also makes me elligible to courageously begin the delightful journey of aging - the spare tire, the man-boobs, the saggy skin under the chin, the hairline stampeding towards the back of my head - and I suppose I should accept it with grace and aplomb.

One day, perhaps, when I am approaching 50, I will say that I don't feel a day over 25. If that is the case then I should like that very much.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 12, 2008 at 11:13am

My journey to Old Fartdom did not happen gradually. It happened in an instant, with a Kwik Trip clerk's single, thoughtless comment: "Aren't you that older lady that comes every day?"

At that point I realized that, although I felt no different than I had twenty years earlier, other people saw me as an "older lady".

So you know what I did? I smiled at the clerk and went on with my day, still feeling no different than I had twenty years earlier.

Dumb clerk!

Permalink Reply by Chrys Stevenson on August 12, 2008 at 5:26pm

As Robbie Burns said, "“O would some power the gift to give us, to see ourselves as others see us!”

My "Kwik Trip" moment happened in my late twenties! I was lying on a fairly isolated beach, sunbathing topless. I had a loose-weave straw hat over my head, so my face couldn't be seen, but I could see out.

Two teenage boys strolled on up the beach, saw me, stopped and said, "Phwaor!!!!! Look at them tits! Phwaor!!!!!" then continued on their way. I giggled beneath my hat, feeling rather 'chuffed' at being the object of such admiration.

About 20 minutes later, I was sitting up, reading - still topless - when the same boys walked back down the beach. Again they stopped, looked at me and then one said to the other, "Oh yuck! She's old enough to be our mother!"

I thought it was hysterically funny ... but I never went topless on the beach again.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 19, 2008 at 4:35pm

I can't believe you were brave enough to go to a topless beach...ever. Even when my boobs looked great, I would have died a thousand deaths.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on August 19, 2008 at 4:43pm

You know what they say..."old is always fifteen years ahead of you."

I agree. When you're fifteen years old, thirty seems ancient, and when you're thirty, fourty-five gets that distinction. Now that I'm fifty-four, I don't feel old. That's because old has suddenly become sixty-nine. Interesting how that happens.

Permalink Reply by Rikk on August 14, 2008 at 1:38pm

Well, I'm 52 myself and I don't look near as good as I used to,tho a lot of young

people say I look good for my age,personally I think I look old fat and middle aged.

I retired from the public school systems here in Texas in '06,i was a custodian for

30 years, got my house paid for and i got a check coming in for the rest of my life.

The great thing is that it's not a fixed income,we actually get raises from time to

time.

I'm not rich by any means but i'm ok and I can pretty much do what I want.

I was pretty active until about 7 months ago, I had been a practicing martial

artist for 25 years and I was helping a friend make a go of his karate school.

My buddy suddenly found himself a new best friend tho and that was the end

of that,no biggie,I had a lot of fun while it lasted and it didn't cost me a dime.

These days I surf the net,watch tv,go to the movies a couple times a week,

and play with the grandkids.

I would like to train somewhere but nobody within affordable driving distance

does the same style I was doing,and starting a place of your own is like

sentencing yourself to eating nothing but beans and macaroni for three

years or so,it's a tough buisness guys.

I've gained a little weight but other than that life is good.

Especially when you're having fun!

Permalink Reply by Reality Activist on November 27, 2008 at 4:05pm

Although my occasional arthritis reminds me that I am no spring chicken, I still do much the same as I did when I was younger, and in some ways, my general health has improved. My experience in the healthcare field has given me some insights that some may not have. I have to deal with old injuries which isn't really the product of old age as much as it is the product of stupidity when I was young. I have noticed that my muscles remain stiff longer after extended periods of exercise, but I've been so active all my life that stiffness is par for the course. One of the biggest changes is that my body simply doesn't need as much food and if I try to eat like I once did, I start gaining weight fast. So I try to keep away from social situations where eating is the main behavior. Fortunately, my kids are about ready to leave the nest so I don't have to eat what they like, because most of it is very fattening. One thing that I have noticed about older women who have ample proportions, they tend to have more sexual energy. I've heard that it is the estrogen that builds up in the fatty tissue so I have a tendency to enjoy the company of the larger older women more then the thinner ones so that is a change from when I was younger.

Permalink Reply by Chrys Stevenson on November 27, 2008 at 4:13pm

.... and when is your next visit to Australia?????? ;-)