I found this list really useful. It is by no means all encompassing, but it does provide a great start to identifying our human needs and therefore gives us words to express them to others clearly and without having to make value judgements on them to find other ways to get those needs met. We can simply – have a think about this list and go directly to the source, meaning that we avoid insulting or hurting others and well as being more effective in being clear and direction with our requests for others to help us to meet our needs.
Reading the NVC book was quite a revelation for me. I think I’d always just come back to name calling or value judgements when my needs weren’t being met before, and this isn’t and wasn’t very effective at getting me closer to my goal of meeting my own need in the moment. Even knowing I had such needs, or that those needs were valid and having them listed was a revelation in itself.
Can anyone else comment of these ideas and give some thoughts of their own?
Alice : )
It may not be an all encompassing list, but then the only list that could be all encompassing would be a list that listed pretty much every possible emotion and bias and thought and action.
While I agree entirely with the list, there are others who don't need some of them. Asexual people, people who thrive on chaos and not peace (I don't mean that in any violent sense, but rather just hectic/frantic lifestyles), people who don't need companionship or community, and so on. These people are all equally fulfilled and content lacking these things as others who need them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these people invalidate the list by any means, rather that because of the radically different nature that individuality brings to humanity I can't imagine there being a truly exhaustive, all encompassing list being made.
It is a great list, though.
As far as NVC goes, I haven't read the book, but based on the name alone and the implications of it, I can get behind it. If I may use a cliche, "You get more flies with honey..." And it is true.
Empathy and compassion, non-violence reactions, and so on can turn the tide in a someones train of thought, their interactions with you (general, not you specifically) soften, and generally they are more civil and humane. This doesn't always work, of course, but going in guns blazing just instantly escalates things. I believe that, for the most part, I've subconsciously used NVC (again, as far as the term implies and not based on any books or research) typically when debating or discussing anything with anyone.
An exception to this seems to be online. I find that the majority of people who post online love to use the relative anonymity of the internet to be on their worst behavior and aren't their to actually act human. It also quickly becomes apparent that many, no matter how kind, compassionate, non-violent, intelligent, civil, and so on that some people are behaving towards them, are only there to either proselytize or troll. I do find I struggle to keep myself from just going in, to use an earlier statement, guns blazing in these situations.
To be honest, while I do agree with this list, it's not something that I'd keep in mind in the heat of the moment. Then again, as far as I'm aware, no one ever said it'd be easy to cultivate a even-headed, eternal calm while dealing with others. It's definitely a task worth striving for, though.
I think the world would vastly improve if many more people were to strive for self-awareness, authenticity, empathy, peace, honesty, love, and all the rest of the wonderful things listed above in an effort to communicate with ourselves and others in calm, collected, non-violent manner.