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Young people - Are you having children? Why or why not?
I get constantly pestered by my relatives and friends asking me when I'm going to have children. I explain to them that I don't want kids. This doesn't seem to satisfy their needs for an answer. I especially get protests from the religious majority in my life.
I don't want kids because of the lifestyle I live. I have freedom, financially and socially. I like high risk activities and I am planning on making the military a career when I go back in. I don't want my wife to have to explain where I went if anything happens to me while on tour or otherwise. I also believe that I'm a better "fake dad" to my nephews and nieces. It's kind of a convenience. Yes, I like taking them places and spending time with them, but when I don't or can't, I don't have to. There's no diaper changing, disciplinary action or fiscal challenges. Plus, the way this world is going, I feel I don't want to bring children into the mess we are leaving for them.
I'd be interested to know what other people think when it comes to children. Are you having them or have you decided you don't want them? Maybe you're holding off for some reason? For all intents and purposes, I'm just curious.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Teagraves on -
Not sure, I'm just 18 so I probably won't be thinking seriously about it for a while yet, but.. I think in the future, maybe just one of my own :P
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Permalink Reply by Jessica on -
My son was a surprise from a birth control failure. I never wanted to have children and I regret becoming a mother at 23. I am 27 now and it would have been better to have had him now that I am older. I would not trade being a mother for anything. My son is awesome and if I'm good to him I hope he will be there for me when I am at the end of my life. However, if you do not want to be tied down to a child don't have one. They change everything about your life and pregnancy is not pleasant for the majority (even for men caring for the pregnant woman). So no need to rush into something you have no desire to experience.
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Permalink Reply by Ted Foureagles on -
Andy:
There is certainly no shortage of people, and several good reasons not to make more. On the other side of the equation is, among other things, a powerful unconscious drive to promote survival of our specific genes. Whichever choice you make will incur consequences lasting your whole life. For myself, not procreating was largely a matter of chance -- tried a few times without success, and ultimately ended up with a failed marraige for other reasons. Mostly I'm glad that I didn't have children, but I must say that it has left an emotional, irrational hole. It's as if my conscious mind is good with it, but the rest of my body senses failure at its prime imperative. If the opportunity to become a father arose (fat chance!) I can't say with complete honesty that I would decline it. And then I would be dealing with cognitive dissonance over all those rational arguments against procreating. So it's not a zero-sum game -- either choice is life-defining. I'm very happy now to be living with my little sister, a single mom, and helping to raise her wonderful son who, after all, shares a quarter of my genes.
}}}}
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Permalink Reply by Andy Reid on
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I appreciate the responses. It's interesting to hear other points of view. Thanks guys!
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Permalink Reply by KillerDiller on -
I'm 30, married, and do not intend to ever have children. I made this decision when I was about 14 and never wavered at all. I knew I wanted a career and the freedom to pursue the things I enjoy throughout my adult life--travel, leisure activities, living in an urban loft, etc. I was up front about this with the people I dated seriously and, lucky for me, I found someone whom I loved who agreed with me wholeheartedly. People kept telling me that I'd change my mind once I felt my biological clock, but if it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen. I fully intend to remain sexually active in my marriage and see nothing wrong with doing so. My husband and I have talked about a vasectomy. He will no doubt be going through that as soon as he has some other unrelated medical procedures taken care of.
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Permalink Reply by Michael OL on -
I never had the desire to become a father, initially from concern about the unpleasant burdens of parenthood. Eventually I came to realize that my philosophical position is termed "antinatalism". That is, I was an antinatalist before I became aware of the term.
In the late 1990s I was frantically dating, with very poor results; not because women were shocked at my aversion to fatherhood (though this was indeed shocking), but for general reasons of nerdiness and beta-maleness. Eventually fortune smiled upon me and I met a very pleasant, straightforward young lady who had no desire for motherhood. Her reasons were different from mine; for her, babies were icky and she was terrified of the risks in mothering them and raising them. We married, and lived more or less happily ever after - for a while. By mutual consent, I had a vasectomy. Then last year things abruptly changed. Coming out of nowhere, my wife announced the imperative of her biological clock, and that she must try her hand at motherhood, since dying childless would be an unacceptable failure and would contravene the biological imperative of womanhood. She left me abruptly, and now we're entering the final phase of divorce. Interestingly, she was never interested in adoption, foster-parenting, volunteering with children, baby-sitting other people's children... all that she wanted was a biological child of her own.
So the question of reproduction has touched me deeply. It ruined my marriage to the woman who I still love, despite her sudden betrayal of our relationship. And even if our divorce somehow escapes being devastating emotionally and financially, I'll still be saddled with the burden of loneliness and the awful prospects of finding another mate. If dating was so tough 15 years ago, it shall be all the more burdensome in middle age.
Perusing this forum, objections to reproduction are quite common, as are testaments by folks happy in their decision to remain childless. There's even an entire discussion group - "The godless and the childless", which enjoys considerable activity. But no amount of peer support will assuage my heartbreak of losing my wife. And how many of these internet friendships can realistically lead to a substantive assay at a new relationship?
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Permalink Reply by KillerDiller on
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So sorry to read all this. I hope you are able to find the social support you need, whether it be through forums like this, family, or new friends/romances. I want to tell you not to give up hope for finding romantic companionship so readily, but I know that I would feel similarly in your shoes, so it would be a bit hypocritical for me to say that. I've been struggling to make non-romantic friends lately; it's not so easy.
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Permalink Reply by Jezzy on -
Not sure. I don't want them now, but I'm only 20, and biology is a bitch. There's a chance I don't have much choice, I have PCOS and it may limit my fertility, but on the other hand all seven of my mother's children were accidents on birth control, as are probably the majority of my cousins. There is also the fact that I've never had sex so I'm not off to a great start. I don't really like most children, but I like my niece, and I like babies.
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Permalink Reply by Jessica on
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I had PCOS as well. My Dr. put me on Metformin to treat the problem. It helped but it also made me a fertile myrtle, 9 months later i'm a mommy... I had no idea the medicine increased fertility so drastically. My Dr had spoken with me about the possibility I would never have children bc of the PCOS, she was wrong, very wrong.
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Permalink Reply by Jezzy on
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I went on metformin at first, but it made me stop losing weight and get pretty sick (flu symptoms) so I had to stop. Then I started birth control which made me gain like 10 pounds, so I stopped that as well. Yeah PCOS is not too fun is it?
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Permalink Reply by Alex Catgirl on -
I should get my eggs frozen as I might want one when I get old, but I'm in no hurry, have a couple of decades to make up my mind =/
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Permalink Reply by Silver on -
With the past month came my Twentieth birthday, already the first one to have gone so long without becoming pregnant in my generation. Understand I come from a traditional Hispanic family, the women cook, clean, and raise children as opposed to the men that are encouraged to get their education and get good jobs.
I have the undeniable silent pressure of my family on my back to get my own family started, perhaps due to how I was raised I have the urge to give in.
Logically I know I will hold off, but biologically and subconsciously my mind fauns over becoming a mother.
Still. I can say that without much room for doubt I can hold off till I am financially stable (and hopefully thriving). I went through the necessary steps and got an implanted contraceptive, encouraged my boyfriend to always carry condoms with him (he still wont bend and get the male implanted contraceptive, but I still feel its far he do it too).
This way I can go about being as safe as one can regarding sex, have a good relationship, go to school and enjoy my time being young- but still allow myself to faun and daydream of my future life.
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