Why do we marry?

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Permalink Reply by Dani on July 29, 2009 at 2:04pm

I debate about the disparity that comes along with people having children, unplanned and unwanted but I cant imagine a system that dictates who's allowed to have children based on genetics! I even think that finances should play a major part in who should/shouldnt be having children but overall I dont know how such restrictions would effect groups who arent the 'real' targets i.e in an attempt to stop gay couples from adopting some heterosexual individuals arent able to adopt (the reasoning: to attempt to place children in more traditional family homes)...so this leads me to assume atheists would have a problem under this type of legislation.

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Permalink Reply by Dani on July 29, 2009 at 1:45pm

I think it's an illusion for most people which is why the divorce rate is so freaking high! People expect the best but arent prepared to do the work to repair and make the relationships last...

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Permalink Reply by Louis on July 26, 2009 at 5:49pm

I was thinking about some friends who I haven't thought about for a long time and it was nice to reminisce a bit -- but it got me thinking about this thread again.

They're both atheists, the husband was in the US Navy and he married a childhood friend. They did it because he could get more money from the Navy for having a spouse, she could get medical coverage, they could live in a house, and get away from their home town.

Their marriage was 75% practicality and convenience. They married on St. Patrick's day with the bare minimum of witnesses. It's hard to describe their relationship with each other; they do love each other, they do act the way a husband and wife would, but I would not say that they loved each other in the sense that most husbands and wives do; they love each other the way very close and very good friends do.

It's the kind of marriage that I would love to have.

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Permalink Reply by Dani on July 29, 2009 at 1:44pm

Im happy you mentioned this because this is one of the conversation topics that lead me to think of marriage outside of the religious or traditional context (while I was a theist)...I couldnt find anything necessarily "wrong" with it so I thought it was a good idea for mature adults who cared for one another!
I think I could go with something like this...but I'd have to give that mushy movie romance type of relationship a try first!

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Permalink Reply by David on August 3, 2009 at 6:21pm

Legal marriage was absolutely necessary in my case in order for my wife to qualify for a green card and stay here with me rather than return home to the opposite side of the globe.

Plus, I like the commitment.

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Permalink Reply by Langston on August 3, 2009 at 6:56pm

Check my blog on my page for a draft essay of a criticism of marriage as an institution; gotta warn you, though, it's a bit thick in some spots.

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Permalink Reply by Langston on August 4, 2009 at 9:06pm

Why? Slavery to emotional dependence (the "human nature" argument), culture, mindlessness repetition of tradition.

There are only a few species (unless I'm grossly mistaken, and if someone should find so, please tell me) that actually "marry", or mate for long-term or life. So our activity really makes us an anomaly. Also, after reading Stephanie Koontz' "A History of Marriage", you see the large part that marriage played in survival (way earlier on in human history), followed by economics and politics. Some really devious stuff; Koontz shows you how LOVE isn't a dominant motivating factor until around the 19th century.

Marriage preceded religion.

I don't plan on getting married. I mean, besides the legal crap, WHY? I am not opposed that other people should get married, only myself. As far as marriage being an illusion, that's like saying that honor or integrity are illusions...we've created these things, as abstract concepts; therefore, do they actually exist? You can't touch them. You can't feel them. But we breathe life into them, just like we do marriage. I would disagree that it's an illusion; I think the term artificial serves as a more accurate description.

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Permalink Reply by Jezzy on August 4, 2009 at 10:08pm

I don't think marriage started out "sacred" so much as "political", but you all probably know that. The religious aspect of it seems random and obviously I don't approve of it. I get pretty irked when religios drone on about the sanctity of marriage... and even here, the divorce rate is the same. I don't like the idea that I'm property, or the idea that I have a sacred mission to repopulate with a male-person. Luckily, marriage is beginning to change a little. Plenty of Atheists get married I think, just as a source for permanence and some nice perks. The chances of my finding a soulmate are slim to begin with, but I was raised by a very conservative mother who does not approve of premarital sex, and I could not easily live with someone I loved and not hurt her. I think that if I found someone, marriage would have to be in our future. And I guess that's not such a terrible thing. Commitment can be good, and presents are better. ;)

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Permalink Reply by Therese L. Broderick on August 4, 2009 at 10:35pm

I see nothing amiss with two people (of any gender or orientation) making a temporary or lifelong commitment to live together, with or without the legal marriage -- as long as both agree to the terms of their relationship. There are tradeoffs to any arrangement, whether marriage or non-marriage. Being 50 years old and married for 20 years with one daughter, I am surprised by how many of the responses to this topic are anti-marriage, anti-parenting, etc. Maybe when some of you are older (I said "maybe" so as not to sound patronizing), you will more fully understand the tradeoffs unavoidable in a non-marriage relationship. Some of the positive aspects of my marriage as it now stands (after a very rough patch in the middle of it) are: 1) you share in a very deep way every aspect of your emotional and physical life (sex isn't necessarily best with multiple partners in your twenties and thirties); 2) you learn how to grow into someone who genuinely cares more about someone else than about yourself; 3) you create another human being who is a fascinating combination of both parents; 4) you achieve greater financial security and freedom (I'm not going to pretend that I would prefer to be single and poor with no retirement funds). My husband and I were married at home with no religious ceremony. I wore blue.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on August 4, 2009 at 10:53pm

Monogamy is actually more common in animals than many people think. Almost all bird species are monogamous. Their are biological advantages to this practice in animals where the offspring are severely dependent on the parent for longer periods of time. Such as humans. Monogamy preceded the social/political practice of marriage, which preceded religion. Before the monothesistic explosion marriage was political and proprietary. It was a great way to glue the powerful families in the tribe, city, state etc. to form lasting political dominance. Back then it was never really about love, it was convenient. I think when religion enters the picture it transforms marriage into a holy union before god which adds an edge of discipline on the part of the couple. Now they have control in your bedroom as well as your mind, body and spirit.

Personally, I have been married, once. The marriage was great but the divorce is going to be better! Lets face it, either it works or it doesn't. The act of marrying proves nothing of love, but society and our parents, like it, so we do it. It is nothing more than a public display of two people pooling their assets and sharing a name. It is still just a convenience.

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Permalink Reply by Not important on August 28, 2009 at 11:33pm

I work for an investment company with a very father figure boss. He wants me to get married b/c it'll save money on taxes, the surviving spouse gets your social security, blah blah blah, oh and to have a party. My dad says if marriage means nothing to me then whats it mattter if I'm married, get married and have the legal benefits. I hate the idea of marriage, that gays can't be married, that all his debt suddenly becomes mine even if my name is on nothing, that with out getting a lawyer involved and paying to have a prenupt everything gets split in a divorce. I told my boss I would be embarrassed and ashamed to get married. I wouldn't want anyone to know.
My best friend is muslim and they have arranged marriages. I don't judge them, its what they do. Same for any other groups, polygamists and such. I just have a hard time believing any of them are truly happy because they didn't have that free will that they claim they have when it came time to determining the rest of their lives.

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