This question was asked before by another member of Atheist Nexus who, unfortunately, left the site about 6 months ago. When he left, his discussions went with him. (I hate that about Ning.) That is too bad, really, because that topic received more responses than any other discussion thread on A|N that I have ever seen -- well over 400, I believe.

Well, I don't plan on leaving A|N anytime soon, so I'm going to ask that question all over again. We've had a lot of new members since the first time, so this will be a good chance for all the new faces, and some of the old, to vent once again about why they are single.

So, why are you single?

Tags: atheist singles, companionship, dating, lovers, partners, romance, single, singles

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Ok, when I was younger, I fell deeply in "true love"... repeatedly. My second wife, my dream girl from high school, broke my heart and it took me years to get over it. In the aftermath, I seem to have lost the capacity for "falling in love." 

I liken the experience to any loss of innocence... Once lost, it can't be regained. You can't go back to believing in Santa. 

No clue why I'm still single. I'd blame it on the fact that my flirting abilities are abysmal, but there's also the fact that it's hard enough to find love as a gay man, and even harder when you spent most of your life in the closet as an Evangelical fundamentalist Christian, which is part of the reason why I'm now an atheist (and a hardcore one at that). Some of it is the guys that I date, but aside from going to bars (which isn't my thing) the selection pool is fairly limited, especially here in Minneapolis/Saint Paul. Then there's trying to find a gay atheist, which ups the difficulty level considerably. A huge part of it though was spending most of my teen and early adult years in the closet and not dating, which is when most people figure themselves out and learn relationship-building skills. The learning curve is pretty steep at this point.

At this point I'm 29 and have only been in love once, but that ended in complete disaster and my losing a huge chunk of my community and getting my heart stomped on. Part of me thinks that that was my one and only shot in finding someone to truly connect with, but the realistic part of me says that I'm 29 and have a while to go before things get hopeless. At the same time, it's tougher to find love as a gay man once you hit 30 and beyond. Everyone seems to want a twentysomething, but then again maybe that has to do with the guys I've been dating.


I agree, dating in your thirties is FRUSTRATING. Finding an atheist is tough enough but a gay one in your area seems like a unicorn. I think that person is out there. Dating is a numbers game. The odds increase in your favor the more you involve yourself with things you are passionate about in life. Also, I find being around people with shared interests can offer you much needed support.

Unicorn!! EXACTLY! A rare mythological beast rumored to exist but rarely ever seen. It seems like the good ones are already taken, but there seem to be so many Christians in my area that it's a bit like trying to find the proverbial needle in the haystack. It's just bewildering that there could be any gay Christians at all. Like gay Republicans, it seems about as tenable to be either as being a Jewish Nazi. I spent 15 years listening to toxic bullshit being spewed from the pulpit about how homosexuals are disordered and broken, and how they either need to change or be celibate. But no, that's not hateful.

So yes. I've been getting more involved with MN Atheists and MN Humanists, doing volunteer work around the area, and trying to find like-minded circles. And you'd think that a guy with a background in theatre would have more luck meeting gay men, but the intellectual quality therein tends to leave a bit to be desired. Sigh.

David, I feel your pain. I keep looking for a lesbian atheist. But my advice- DO NOT cave to dating theists. I did until the last one, and every time they ran me nuts. I finally got to the point where I'd rather be single.

Thanks, Shannon. No, I dated a few theists even after coming out. Some of them are nice guys, but I came to the realization that it really doesn't work. One of the last guys I dated semi-seriously, his father was diagnosed with malignant stomach cancer, and he was understandably distraught. And I was powerless to help because he needed someone to pray with him, and I couldn't be that guy for him. A few months prior to that, my sister went into the hospital with some serious health problems and my mom was upset when she asked me to pray (even though she knows that I'm an atheist) and I told her that I couldn't. Until you're outside of it, you really don't realize how differently theists and nontheists view the world. We deal with blessing and grief in disparate ways. Plus, it was important for him to go to church as a couple, and I really wasn't interested in that.

So no, no more theists for me. Actually, the big reason why I finally became an atheist is because for about a year I was in essentially a friends-with-benefits relationship with a young pastor who was starting a progressive church geared towards the GLBT community. This is the reason why the movie Bridesmaids ended up depressing me, because my relationship with this guy was exactly like Kristen Wiig's relationship with Jon Hamm's character. I was in love, and he was not. (And let me tell you: gay Christian have some really messed up sexual ethics.) When he told me (on my birthday) that he'd met someone else and just wanted to go back to being friends, I realized that he was the only reason I'd stuck around the church at all. And that was it! I went from being a quasi-leftish Christian to being Christopher Hitchens overnight.

Sorry, that's probably oversharing...

Nah, I'll overshare too, we'll h ave a balance! And that is my point, we DO view the world way differently. For one thing, many of them either a) believe they can change us or b) don't think religion should be a dealbreaker. This last one fell into the latter category.

Now, she knew about my painful past with organized religion. I went to ex gay therapy, the whole 9 yards. I hate that shit with a passion. I did research into religion, 3 1/2 years worth, to find my own version of truth, and to escape my upbringing. I came out of it a hardline atheist. It was just like, she couldn't accept that not only do I not believe that stuff, but I really don't like it. She insisted it wasn't her beliefs I found harmful, but the organized stuff that persecuted gays so. Anyway, I caved. She went from being spiritual but not religious to being a brazen advertisement for some pentacostal racket run by a couple of lesbians down in Florida, to wanting to find a gay affirming church when we moved to San Francisco together. Obviously, the further down this path we went, the more troubled I became. 

Couple that with the fact that there was a meddling ex that had her Facebook login information, as well as financial information that I didn't have, well, more red flags. This girl was an old flame who she said that god had put into her life because they needed each other. She also said god had called her to marry some man so he could stay in the  country. 

Moral of the story is this: their beliefs influence every. single. aspect. of their lives, always. There is just no way around that. For an atheist to date or marry a theist is just ludicrous, unless you really are ok with that god bothering.

And yes, gay Christians (I've slept with my share of them) and sex? Um, no. Just the weirdo guilt and sin and all that. IDK. I mean it's bad enough for any atheist to have to put up with that stuff at all, but, when you add LGBT to the mix, you get into the crazy mental gymnastics they've done to be both queer and Christian and be ok with that.

being atheist in Pakistan diminishes your chances of getting a date manifold.

I don't know why I'm still single. No one likes me I guess. I'm not your typical gorgeous looking girl. Nearly 18, still single, but I don't really care. I don't think I would do well in a relationship anyways

Eh, gorgeous-looking girls are far from typical.  Most girls look kind of average ... kind of by definition.

More to the point, any guy who only wants a girl who looks like a model isn't a guy you want.  I mean there has to be some level of attraction, but after you've got that, it shouldn't matter how gorgeous a girl is.  If you have one girl who is kind of cute and appealing and another girl who's just ridiculously attractive ... I don't care.  They're both starting about on par, when i see who I like more, intellectually and emotionally.

I can't really offer an opinion, in your specific case, of course, since I have no idea what you look like.

What makes you say that you wouldn't do well in a relationship?

lets see, im single because i haven't found any woman remotely close to what i would love. my vision of my girl is exactly like me as far as mindset and why she would do the things she would do but i have no standard on what she does only the whys. my personality i have on the "about me" ill put it on here just need the room. but basically iv met no one who has the same mental processing like i do which now has led me to think that my personality is so odd that there simply isn't someone close enough like me for me to find my love which is very depressing to think about but yah im about to put up my "about me" and if you want message me
my "about me" (in sort im a laveyan satanist which is a form of atheism its basically atheism with no moral values if you want ask me about it) now what sets me apart, my personality can be described as brutally honest, always uses pure logic, black hearted (never have had a real connection to anyone really saddens me to think about it so don't take it as tough guy additude i envy those who find that connection), because im pure logically minded i have no moral values for moral sake, couldn't care less on traditional values, trends, social norms, and opinions of what others think of me and also i have never accepted a delusion as truth to hide from a painful truth. i live to increase my emotional well being and i only see (and highly respect) my body only as a vessel that allows me to do what i want. im an open book (i will talk about ANYTHING no matter how "private" or contraversal the subject) and im very social who loves to be doing something and i have a large sence of humor.


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