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Permalink Reply by Jedi Wanderer on March 12, 2011 at 3:26pm

That's a curious problem. I'm no expert, but I might have some insight for you. Having some experience in this realm, I have come to some definite conclusions. First of all, I think that a repressive way of thinking about sex is wrong. Sex is natural and something we all seek, and to try to keep oneself pure or sterile is simply to deny oneself one really amazing part of the human experience. However, the other extreme might be just as bad. It doesn't help to ruin a whole type of experience by milking it to death, and sex is one of those things that can easily be abused. Its a very sensitive thing, and even small mistakes get amplified and can have far-reaching effects. There is definitely a delicate balance to strike.

 

The most essential part of sex, in my opinion, isn't the physical experience but the emotional experience. And the part that makes it so emotional is because of how it makes you feel about yourself on the deepest levels. Having sex with the wrong person can easily lead to deep feelings of shame and a loss of self-esteem and self-respect, which are essential qualities of the human experience which can't easily be replaced or repaired. If you feel like you have been used for sex, you might easily feel degraded and the horrible sickly feeling that comes with a loss of self-esteem can really alter your perception of the whole sexual experience. My advice for you, seeing as how you are so sensitive to the issue, is to find someone that you can really trust, someone who is a close friend and who you truly believe wants to be with you as a whole person and not just as a sexual partner before you sleep with someone you end up regretting having slept with. I don't know of any books, I haven't researched the subject (academically), but I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to engage with sex-talk with people who don't take it as seriously as you do. This may be because your sense of self has been made fragile owing to your experiences, and you aren't sure how to address the issue without destroying your self-esteem to some degree, but if you are honest with yourself and you know that you aren't ready to think about sex so much, then don't! There are lots of other things to be interested in, and when you find yourself in the right circumstances and it feels comfortable, then you can do it or talk about it or whatever without feeling like you are the shameful degraded person that religious nuts think they are when THEY actually take selfish pleasure from this world.

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Permalink Reply by dr kellie on March 12, 2011 at 3:33pm

First, how long have you been a non-theist? 

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Permalink Reply by Angela P on March 12, 2011 at 5:16pm

Well, that depends, it took several years to get out of the church. I declared myself out of the faith in 2008, but every once in a while I flirt with thinking about religion again, but looking over the arguments and stuff, I'm mostly solid in my viewpoint now.

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Permalink Reply by dr kellie on March 13, 2011 at 10:22am

I think you just need a little time.  It has been hard for me to peel off the layers of religion that clung to me like a nasty parasite.  It has been about 20 years for me, so I think they are all gone.  Looking back, I am a little more than irritated that I was taught, as a child and young teenager that I should be ashamed of my sexuality.  I have had a healthy, open, and relaxed sex life for the last 18 years.  I was a bit of a late bloomer (mid twenties), but I have made up for lost time, and I hope you will too.  Just don't rush it. 

 

For me, sex is a physical experience, and I have never regretted having it with anyone except those who get crazy afterwards.  I disagree with Wanderer on this point.  Sex is fun and it is not a big deal as long as you are safe. 

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Permalink Reply by Sentient Biped on March 12, 2011 at 9:16pm

Angela, it has to be what you are comfortable with and what works for you.   It sounds a bit trite, but really you will find what you want in your own way.  Our society is over sexualized while still being puritain about it - which seems strange.  Don't feel pressure to do something you are not ready for, but if there is someone who you like and you feel a mutual desire, I bet it will happen naturally for you.  Well, that's my 2 cents, anyway.  Peace!

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