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To Allow Or Not To Allow?

When me and my husband were married 12 years ago we had an understanding as far as how we'd raise our children in regards to religion. At the time I was a non-practicing jew and he was a practicing xtian. Since religion was insignificant to me I agreed to let him raise our kids xtian. In 2007 we welcomed our daughter to the world. He is still the same but in the past year I have been awakened to the fact that I have never believed in god. Now,I am extremely squeamish of the thought of her being raised xtian. I am concerned about the kind of woman she will grow up to be if she believes in that garbage. I know just because she goes to church as a child it doesn't mean she will believe as an adult;however,she will be surrounded by bad influences that will attempt to brain wash her. I am at a loss of what to do. Me and my husband had an agreement and I don't want to go back on that. We are both her parents and my husband has a right to expose her to his beliefs. I know I will definitely tell her about mine! So...what should I do? Let her go but educate her about my non-beliefs too,and hope she doesn't go to the darkside? Put a stop to her going so I could save her soul? In the end,I know it is HER choice.

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Permalink Reply by Jeffrey P. Murphy on July 20, 2010 at 12:56am

I'm, of course, an atheist and my fiance is a secularist with some ancestor-worship stuff going on...I don't think she thinks about it much.

She's concerned that my anti-theism will rub off too much, and frankly so am I. But I find that if a person is educated and taught critical thinking, religion will slough off of them easily. My fiance defends my atheism to her family when necessary. We have a 9mo old right now who we're enjoying and looking forward to continuing raising him. With no baptism, no circumcision, and no church group, we've started him off secular, all right. She wants him to have a Quran, a Bible, a Torah, etc (though I have to add the Greek and Egyptian myths to the list and she wants to get some of the books on Eastern myths) and I couldn't agree more. Let him read them and then discuss them.

I plan to do a lot of what Richard Feynman's dad apparently did - question him. Make him think. Make him enjoy thinking. If a child develops a love for exercising that gray muscle between their ears, they'll continue exercising it - even when they *want* to turn it off. I want to show him the beauty of the Hubble telescope photos, of DNA and it's behaviors, of the immune system, of the mosaic quality of a body - so many millions of types of bacteria all to form one body...

The universe is so much more beautiful than anything religion has to offer - and more mysterious, but also more complete. Ensure that your children learn *ALL* of your husband's religion - you might teach your former religion...but encourage them to question it all...to question everything. It's one of many things children are amazing at doing - being curious.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Rice on July 20, 2010 at 6:18am

Thank you for the wonderful answer. I think you and your fiance are exceptionally good parents.

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Permalink Reply by Jeffrey P. Murphy on July 20, 2010 at 9:03am

Now - don't count my chickens before they hatch. Our second is on it's way, so this is a two-fer roll of the dice. We're hoping we've loaded them, but still, we won't know how it works out until they're 16-18...possibly older.

No parent knows what they're doing (My parents get offended by this statement, but they don't realize...or pay attention to....it's scope). We're all stumbling blind. I still haven't made up my mind how I would feel if my children indoctrinate themselves. I have a lot of hopes and dreams and concerns - all parents do. I also have a multitude of fears - all parents do.

I wind up having to take the same approach I do to religious who fret about drugs being present and the giving out of condoms: "If you're 'so right', then what are you worried about?"

To close, I wouldn't dare tell you what to do. And I'm not about to let someone tell me what to do. But I can share my intentions and let you weigh on your own. I would offer that if you and your husband discussed much of this so much in advance, you're likely a good parent to. It doesn't sound like your husband wants to indoctrinate your child, so I wouldn't worry too much.

But thank you for the words of encouragement. Best of fortunes to you in your struggles.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Rice on July 20, 2010 at 3:57pm

You are absolutely right. No matter how much we mentor our offspring they are their own people. Regardless how your kids grow up as far as religion,I think you and your fiance have the right attitude. You hit the nail on the head about parents not knowing what they are doing. Fact is,it is unpredictable with each one. I think having fears is a sign of a good parent. My husband is very good at not indoctrinating her like you said. He is basically introducing her to his faith but knows she won't automatically become christian. He also knows you can't make anyone be one. He is been extraordinarily accepting of my atheism. He has never tried to change me nor I him.

Best to you also and thanks for the wise words.

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Permalink Reply by Michelle on July 20, 2010 at 1:49am

There are some great conversations on this in the Parenting Little Heathens group (I didn't see it suggested yet, hope I didn't miss it) Here is on of them.
My idea is to teach critical thinking and expose them to all the different religions and thoughts on the subject.