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The Honest Armor of God, Rewriting Ephesians 6:10-17

Those of you familiar with Christianity may know of this passage in Ephesians in which Paul uses the metaphor of armor for the equipment of the Christian. I thought it deserved a more honest, re-write. When I showed the result I came up with, my brother queried in which circle of hell Dante would place me. Whatever one it is I'm sure I'd be in good company whichever one it was.

I tried to stay as close to the original language as possible. I'm curious. Do you all find it a cogent re-write from an atheist perspective?

Here is the original rendered in the "more poetic" KJV that so many fundies prefer:

Ephesians 6:10-17

6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God

My rendition:

The Honest Armory

Finally, my brethren, be weak in your mind and in the power of your reasoning.

Put on the whole armour of god, that ye may be able to withstand the wiles of the enlightened.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the literati, against thinkers, against the doubters of the darkness of this world, against scientific theories in high regard.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of god, that ye may be able to remain ignorant in the face of progress, and having proved nothing, to know.

Stand therefore, having your loins wrapped in pudicity, and having on the chinstrap of self-righteousness.

And your feet fettered with the reparation of original sin.

And above all, brandishing the buckler of bigotry wherewith ye shall be able to deflect the darts of debate.

And take the visor of dogma and the foil of faith, which is the ward of god.

PS: I found the attachment with an image search on yahoo. Disturbing.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ronin on November 17, 2009 at 1:50pm

Nice! I guess all of the equipment came from the armoire of god.

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Permalink Reply by Timo Ostrander on November 19, 2009 at 12:06pm

I think I definitely titled this post wrongly. Nobody here wants to read about how to re-write nonsense (i.e. the bible). Anyway to change the title of my post? Probably not, I'm guessing. I suppose I could delete and re-post.

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Permalink Reply by Glenn Sogge on November 20, 2009 at 7:47am

One of Greta Christina's recent posts -- this one at AlterNet -- has the teaser:
Religion is uniquely armored against anything that might stop it from spinning into extreme absurdity, extreme denial of reality and extreme, grotesque immorality.

Although not strictly on topic, I find the confluence of armor metaphors interesting. Check it out:
The Top One Reason Religion Is Harmful

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Permalink Reply by Timo Ostrander on November 20, 2009 at 10:14am

Wow, what an excellent article, Glenn. Thanks for pointing it out.

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Permalink Reply by Loren Miller on November 20, 2009 at 7:57am

Why do I get the feeling SOME kids went out like that on Halloween? Oh, I forgot, Halloween is the devil's holiday!

BTW, isn't it Ephesians where Paul says that women need to be subservient to their husbands, etc?

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Permalink Reply by Glenn Sogge on November 20, 2009 at 8:14am

Ephesians 5:22 (Today's New International Version)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

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Permalink Reply by Glenn Sogge on November 20, 2009 at 8:17am

Some stuff I saw suggested the preceding verse should be included so that it is an equal opportunity subservience.

Ephesians 5:21-22 (King James Version)

21Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

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Permalink Reply by Glenn Sogge on November 20, 2009 at 8:29am

I always find it amusing when I run across religious school sports teams with names like the Warriors or the Crusaders.

And, of course, that great anthem of inclusivity, Onward, Christian Soldiers.

Has anybody done a study of all the war-like and conflict based metaphors or ideas that even mainstream Christianity employs on a regular basis? As graduate study, I suppose comparing that with the metaphors of other religions and/or systems of thought would be interesting

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Permalink Reply by Loren Miller on November 20, 2009 at 8:51am

Glenn, this is a facet of Christianity which I have always found disturbing at the very least, and mirrored too often by the behavior of its fundamentalist proponents. At times, I'm convinced they take Onward Christian Soldiers to heart, seeing themselves as the conquering army and everyone else as heathens to be converted or removed.

No wonder Gandhi found Christians so unlike Christ!