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So I let my wife in on my non-belief

Or at least my agnosticism, And she said that she wouldn't have married someone that didn't believe in God. Ouch. I have to admit that one kindof stung a little bit. Though to be fair I do think that she really didn't think about that one before she said it, she tends to spout off things without proper forethought. I told her that at the time (about 3 years ago) I actually did believe, but always had doubts.

Next, she said she doesn't want me to go to hell. Which is a hard one for me because I don't want her to be stressed out about something that she perceives as very real.

Either way, I think it kindof scared her a bit because she already stresses out about not being together, much less, not being together for eternity as she believes will happen with my nonbelief. I'm hoping to chip away with logic and see if anything sticks, perhaps at least I can at least assuage her fears of bad things happening. She eventually just shut down and didn't want to talk about it any more.

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Permalink Reply by Jason Spicer on July 21, 2009 at 1:33am

Yeesh. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

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Permalink Reply by Christopher Borra on July 24, 2009 at 3:58pm

Yeah, I hope you keep the good times going too.

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Permalink Reply by moJoe on July 21, 2009 at 1:50am

The only tip I can give you is that if you are talking with her and she starts to get defensive, back off and let it drop. Don't relent, just don't press the issue. It's virtually impossible to change someones mind when they are on the defensive, especially about religion.

Remember, people are not religious because it makes sense. So using reason to woo her will be a really slow process. You might want to pick up The God Virus and read it. It's not perfect, but he has some really useful metaphor's in there that might help you gain an understanding of what people of faith go through internally when their faith is questioned.

Best of luck, my friend.

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Permalink Reply by The Nerd on July 21, 2009 at 12:09pm

Haha, yes!

I went to a presentation by the author, and it was fun. He has some good insight into dealing with religion itself.

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Permalink Reply by Justin Pearson Smith on July 21, 2009 at 2:26am

I'm in a similar boat, I married a christian. At the time I referred to myself as agnostic and whilst it was always a sticky point we got past it. Last year I came out and told her that atheist was actually a more accurate term to describe me. She didn't like that one bit. She also doesn't like me buying atheist books or hearing atheist podcasts but I do both anyway. I can't really offer much advice but so far I'd say that you may need to adopt a live and let live attitude. If you both try to change each other's values then your relationship might run into trouble,

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Permalink Reply by Anne Halligan on July 21, 2009 at 7:09am

Arm3d I would concentrate on reminding her of the things you have in common. For this to come up as an issue 3 years into your marriage suggests it is not the main focus of your relationship. Your joint foundation is what will get you through. I would proffer that although she has said she wouldn't marry somebody who didn't believe in god, at the time she didn't quiz you intently so it really isn't that important to her.

For me the religiosity of a prospective partner is fundamental to whether I see any compatibility with them. If there is a difference in our beliefs, nothing will get me past it. I suspect your wife has made a gut reaction to your statement, based on her history of indoctrination. I very much doubt her beliefs will usurp her belief in you and she as a couple.

In the meantime answer her questions as you would any believer, with logical reasoning and without criticism. You will, I'm sure, find an accommodation between you. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer E. on July 21, 2009 at 7:46am

This must be a stressful situation for you, too. I know that, were it not for the support of my husband, my whole "coming out atheist" would have been a lot harder. I can't imagine not being able to share that with the one person who should back you up no matter what. You say she's scared of you not being together for eternity in heaven, but might it be even scarier for her to try and imagine her life with no religion? I suggest letting her see and know how happy and fulfilled you are without it, and how good it feels not to have to be afraid of hell. Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts.

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Permalink Reply by Ken Dodge on July 21, 2009 at 9:27am

Have you been attending church together?

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Permalink Reply by The Nerd on July 21, 2009 at 12:11pm

Along those lines, you could reach a compromise by attending Unitarian Universalist church together. UU churches will show proper respect to her beliefs while allowing for your atheism. Many couples who don't share a religion attend for that reason.

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Permalink Reply by The Nerd on July 21, 2009 at 1:36pm

Perhaps it would be good to meet with the administration first and see what they are like. The minister I knew was ex-Christian and still had a healthy respect for it, and still prayed. It's too bad that not every community can live up to their ideals.

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Permalink Reply by IAmTheBlog on August 3, 2009 at 2:15pm

I recently came out to my wife (as I mentioned in another thread), and thanks in great part to The Nerd's suggestion here, I brought up to my wife the idea of trying a UU church. We scoped out a few places on the web and found one we both thought sounded okay.

They were very welcoming. There was some God talk and some hymns that were familiar (Christian hymns with slightly altered lyrics), but there was also a lot of talk about questions and doubts being healthy, a number of jokes about God and religion (e.g. the pastor said it was a church of god, or a church of not-god, depending on your beliefs), and a number of references to non-believers being welcomed.

I'm sure it depends on your relationship, your partner's beliefs, the individual congregation, etc. I'm not sure arm3d if it would work in your case, but it might be something to consider. I personally have no burning desire to go to church, but it pleased my wife and nothing was particularly objectionable to me as an atheist during the service. It could be seen as a good-faith effort (no pun intended) at a compromise between a believer and non-believer.