Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Steph S. on November 14, 2012 at 5:38am

If she remains your friend when you tell her your atheist - then she is a true friend. A true friend would like you anyway and you should be yourself around her. Be true to yourself.

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Permalink Reply by H.Q. on November 14, 2012 at 11:07am

Hi Shyanne,

Your dads advice was good. Especially if your priority is to remain friends. It would be considerate of you even though she might not see it that way. Way i see it, she would do good being your friend, it would open her mind a little to associate with people with very different beliefs or lack of them. If her parents make a big fuss about this now, there's a possibility she will detach herself a bit from you. If your main priority is to remain friends id say tell her when she's moved out. reality is, you two have very different beliefs, its not like its something you have in common there so even if you bring it up there's not a lot to say about it between the two of you unless you plan to de-convert her which seems pretty difficult now hearing about how committed and involved she is in the christian community.Maybe that'll change when shes in College/Working?!

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Permalink Reply by amer chohan on November 14, 2012 at 12:41pm

If you enjoy her company and being friend with her inspite of difference in way of thinking then why to risk spoiling a healthy relationship? Difference in openion is not a big deal. We all differ on many other things and still go on nicely with each other. 

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Permalink Reply by Chris Dodds on November 14, 2012 at 3:21pm

I think it would depend on how your friend and her parents feel about your dad being an agnostic.  If they're fine with it, then they'll probably be more excepting of you being an atheist.  But your dad definitely has a point, wait til she's out of her parents house.

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Permalink Reply by Shyanne Gold Orr on November 15, 2012 at 2:25pm

My dad keeps his agnosticism a secret and he wants to keep quiet about him being an agnostic at least for now. He is the kind of person that would pray and act like he believes so he doesn't cause a scene or anything. Thank you for the advice. :)

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Permalink Reply by booklover on November 14, 2012 at 5:02pm

How old are you?  I think if you're an older teen it might be okay to tell her, but sometimes younger teens and kids are harsh and get made fun of if they are uncomfortable with something.  Like would she tell anyone else, like at school, that you wouldn't want to know.  If it comes up, I would just say it casually, bu t I wouldn't make a big deal about it, because she shouldn't think it's something shameful, like she's right and you're wrong.  I hope it turns out well for you!

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Permalink Reply by Shyanne Gold Orr on November 15, 2012 at 2:19pm

I'm 16 and she is 17. I don't really care who she would tell, I just care how she will react, but I don't think she would tell anyone if I asked her to keep it a secret.Thank you for the advice. ^.^

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Permalink Reply by booklover on November 15, 2012 at 3:37pm

That's a good friend then, and you're older so it is, of course, up to you.  You have a good head on your shoulders!  Glad to 'meet' you Shyanne.~ Melinda

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Permalink Reply by Mathew T. on November 15, 2012 at 10:56am

This is quite a conundrum - I sympathize with your struggle and hope everything works out for the best. The most eloquent advice put to closeted atheists I've heard went something like this:

"Think of the worst thing that could possibly happen when you come out. If you can't live with that happening, then don't come out yet".

Everyone has their own personal timing and way of announcing their newfound belief to their loved ones, but you must remember one thing above all else: religion has a systematic method of protecting itself by rewarding faith and segregation of its followers. I myself have no problem believing that her parents may well heavily influence the way your friend views you, if not denying her the privilege of seeing you outright. In light of this, I personally agree with the advice your dad gave you, for the time being. 

Booklover raises a very good point and it may not seem like it now, but your age (in my opinion as well) will play a very vital role in the outcome of the situation. For example, the younger you and your friend are, the greater the likelihood that she will be much more impressionable to the whim of her parents, whereas young people develop tremendously in the arenas of critical thought later in their teen years. 

If it's likely your friend will be off to college in the next year or to, and you can handle leaving it for a while longer, my feeling is that you can't go wrong doing so. If not, then I'd think it through very carefully first. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer - do what's best for YOU and YOUR relationships. :)

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Permalink Reply by Michael Black on November 15, 2012 at 4:07pm

If you and she are as close as your post implies, then I would wager  that she already knows your stance on religion.  She may choose to look away from that one aspect of your self.  By spelling it out to her, you are forcing her hand.  Are you sure that's what you want?  I would suggest putting off this decision for at least 6 weeks (I think 6 months would be better).  And during that time, evaluate what you expect her response to be to such a revelation.  Make your evaluation based on what you observe in her behavior and what she talks about.  Don't let your feelings affect your judgement.  Then decide.  If you still don't know what to do, you can always put off making any announcements.  Just remember, you can't unsay anything.

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Permalink Reply by Joan Denoo on November 15, 2012 at 7:19pm

All of you give good solid advice and I don't disagree with anyone. I know this about myself and about people, many spend their lives trying to live others' expectations, wanting to fit in, willing to deny their own thoughts and needs and sacrifice themselves for others. Is that flourishing? Perhaps, I can't say one way or the other. 

If one is confident in one's opinions, can stand on principle even when everyone else disagrees, then that can imply competence and careful reasoning, or it can imply bullheadedness. Again, I can't say. 

Having a friend with whom you have to self-monitor your opinions says something you need to think about. Do you want to self-monitor your opinions? Do you flourish when you do self-monitor? Will you have to self-monitor with your other dear friends or boyfriend or husband or parent or children? Are you proud and have self-respect when you have to present a false-face? 

I do wish you well in your decision and that all comes out in a way that empowers you to be who you are. 

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Permalink Reply by A. Noni Moose on November 20, 2012 at 10:55am

I would tell her if there was reason to. I have friends that are "religious", but don't really talk al ot about it. If it comes up, I'd listen to them and nod knowingly. I don't tell everyone that I am an atheist, because most don't understand and assume you are a satan worshiper or seomthing. As if you could worship another non-existent being. I have told 2 close friends, they don't care and already knew without me saying it. I said it just so I could say it out loud. Neither of them is super religious but both claim to believe in god. My wife and kids all know..they are christians. I used to go to church with my wife most sundays, just because she wanted me to go. I have recently stopped going. I told her that I dont think it is right for me to go. That it almost seems like I am making fun of her religion, which I don't want to do. She married me knowing I was an atheist..probably thought she could change me, but that has long since been proven untrue.

I guess I consider myself a "non-militant" atheist. I don't make a big deal about it. I don't see it as my duty to make sure others agree with me, and I don't try to enact political change etc.

 

Long story short, does your friend NEED to know? If she invites you to church or asks your opinion on religion then I'd certainly be honest..otherwise it is not worth the grief..IMHO.

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