VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter's Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his "most humble apologies" to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.

"This is absolutely unacceptable," Pope Benedict said. "It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors."


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Tags: ", Catholics, Christianity, The Onion, The Poop, child abuse, pedophilia, religion, theists

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Replies to This Discussion

Spot on, Aaron.
Again, I have proven myself gullible. I fell for this satire body, mind and spirit. I know, I am foolish, naive, and trusting to a fault. My gullibility reveals my terrible character, worthy of laughter, derision, dismissal, ridicule and demonizing.

That said, this satire stings because it reveals a truth we all do not want to face about the Roman Catholic Church in particular and religion in general. Trust? Respect? Compassion? I see far too much judging of people and too little of trust building, compassion, and respect for the living.

For those of us who refuse to bow to a man-made institution I say Stop persecuting women who take charge of their reproductive lives, Stop the persecuting men and women homosexuals who live according to the instructions from their own bodies and Stop raping little boys and little girls, and most of all, Stop forgiving the unforgivable.
Don't belittle yourself, you're in good company. If you were to be stoned for gullibility, and someone stepped in to say "Let one who never was fooled by an Onion article cast the first stone at her", you'd be safe.
This is rich! I was laughing about my gullibility and now I have a deep, penetrating laughter than really makes my day. Thanks Jaume.
this satire stings because it reveals a truth

That is the point of satire.
I'm not surprised that people didn't realize it's satire, being that it's pretty damn close to reality! The Onion also had some other great articles about the Catholic Church, such as "Pope Forgives Molested Children" and another with the Catholic Church going to overpopulated countries to warn them of the evils of contraception...
Prog Rock Girl, your statement really hits home for me. While working with the poor in Mexico, we had to struggle with issues of filthy drinking water, poor food and nutrition, horrid living conditions with sewage running by the door, terrible economic conditions with children and adults searching through garbage heaps for food and treasure. Along comes this man attired in a dress, looking pompous, imperial, grandiose, puffed up, arrogant and he, the Pope, told these women to satisfy their husbands sexually, to not use contraceptives, not have abortions, and sacrifice themselves on the alter of the Crucified Christ. None of this was helpful, healthy, or wise. He told these women to do what I now call the

"Passive Gospel: yield, pray, obey, turn the other cheek, crucify themselves daily and rejoice in their crucifixion." He should have said the

"Active Gospel: you are precious in your own right, you have a right to take control of your body and its functions, you deserve safety, security and stability in your own homes, feeding your family comes before feeding the church, living in a decent home comes before contributing to the grandiose structures of the church, you have a right to basic health care and it is my job, as Pope, to see that you get these things."
Try reading the 'Pope Forgives Molested Children' story and then immediately switching to this topic here: and it's easy to see why so many people overlooked that this story was satire. The depressing thing about Onion articles isn't so much that they're not funny, it's that sometimes they're prescient.
I don't see how people would think that the "Pope Forgives Molested Children" story was real. What they did was unforgivable. Look at the damage to the Catholic Church and the Vatican. Not to mention, the priests who were victims of their temptatio. Plus, they broke their promises not to tell. Despicable.

That is the best video ever!


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