A new study conducted informally by me by observing people shows that nobody knows how to flirt.

Men don't know how to do it. Women don't know how to do it.

This is the source of the great divide [when there is one] between the sexual side of the [a] person and the simple-social side, as flirtation is the bridge.

I suppose flirtation doesn't happen as often even among people between whom it would be apt because they're not serious to any degree and they feel like they'd just be being a tease to flirt and not follow up [with more, like, commitment-y, on-off binary relationship-y stuff], so, wanting to be nice people and seeing flirtation without [such] follow-through as rude, they abstain from flirtation in the first place.

Worsening the divide are the loose freaks who are in opposition to the stance that people who [just] want to get along well in society hold. I'm talking about the "loose" people: manwhores and pairs to [of] women that troll together for three-ways with strange men, and such and the like. Noting these freaks' "flirtations", the good people of society don't want to do anything that could make others confuse them with those freaks, so the chasm has a fence erected around it.

Really, the "flirtations" of such people are to flirtation as methamphetamine is to dopamine. It may simulate it and be indistinguishable [from it] without analysis [(according to the brain, in the case of meth)] but it is fundamentally a different thing. Back in metaphor-land, the manwhores and ubersluts are launching themselves across the chasm in a freaking CANNON. It gets them across, but it is fundamentally different from the bridge that genuine [actual] flirtation is.

While these cannonballs fly across, people forget about bridges and simply resign themselves to these drastic measures and an unscientific, gambling style of finding their way to the other side each time.

Only the [archetypical] massive failures ever get [have gotten] popularized, and those who've never been exposed to realm of flirtation at all [only] get a view of it as [being] mostly made of [instances of] guys being retards, women hurting others' feelings [in wholesale-ly rejecting them], and of random pairs of men and women meeting [each other], being in friggin' love immediately, and each seeking the other from Millisecond One. With only so polarized a set of representations [available to most people], the [that] highly multi-shaded [portion of the real] world that falls in [is] the realm of flirtation is left with its subtle darks and lights of grey indistinguishable from each other to those 'most people' without loads of practice.

Flirtation is not something that you can 'jump' straight into [at all]. Flirtation is something indistinguishable from normal conversation at a distance or at low levels. It will start as an interaction that can go anywhere,--to flirtation etc., to a fight, to a business arrangement, or anywhere else--and then the character of the interaction may get changed by changes in the content which happen in ways that may be sudden yet subtle, subtle yet sudden, or somewhere in between. The misconception of flirtation being like a pool where you can just jump in--[having a distinct, switch-like, on-off state]--has hurt a lot of people and opportunities.

[Editted, uglified, and sensible-ized on 19Mar2010]

Tags: flirt, flirtation, flirting

Views: 95

Replies to This Discussion

"SuperFlirt" by Tracy Cox. It's a *guidebook* to flirting. I've given this as a birthday gift to at least one friend a year since I first read it.
I've been reading Superflirt this week in the bookstore, and I have two bullet-points of impressions from it: 1. Holy crap this thing is insightful, and 2. holy crap this thing is full of typoes out the ass.
>> I don't know about anyone else, but I've never learned to flirt nor know how to interpret if/when someone is flirting with me.

Oh so very true! I'm sure I've missed some great relationships because I couldn't detect flirting. The only definitive indication I know of for detecting when women flirt with me is overt touching. Anything less than that, or excessively hanging out with me without apparent reason, and I don't see the flirting. Maybe it is a case of once bitten twice shy.

I've had painful instances where others have told me "she's really into you, can't you see she's flirting?" Then when I followed up on their observation they were wrong and the woman was offended.
Flirting should make sexual tension, and sexual tension is good. I recommend a book called "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

Seth
Nice phrase
See, to me, I would avoid the book just because of the title. Maybe it is all just a game, and maybe I don't get that, and that is why I am chronically single. But I just always think that I don't want to play games with people, or be played with. I just want to get to know them, share time with them, have some attention, and get my brains fucked out, without the games.
Indeed. I hold that these things are more significant and delicate than a game. But, if I get ahold of some money or enough give-a-shit to torrent it, I'd still get it.

I've listened to some of Strauss's work and stuff and he's really got insights.

Any book. Just like the bible. Go ahead and check it out, and if you find that it's trash, then put it in it's place, and if you find it has value, keep that value.

Although, as I recall, Strauss is a chronically heterosexual man, so I don't know how much good that book'd do you.
Although, as I recall, Strauss is a chronically heterosexual man, so I don't know how much good that book'd do you.

Hmm..hard to say. In many ways ppl are ppl, but a man's needs and expectations are different from a woman's, I suppose. But fundamentally, I doubt the dynamics are that different.
In the words of my musical mentor Steven Tyler:
"SO NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER
OR WHO YOU GONNA LOVE BY YOUR LOVER
SAY LOVE PUT ME WISE TO HER LOVE IN DISGUISE
SHE HAD THE BODY OF A VENUS
LORD IMAGINE MY SURPRISE"
~Dude Looks Like A Lady

Learn to enjoy the game, the hunt, the sport. Sexual tension goes a long way if you know how to keep it and not snap the string, or let it go limp...

Part of the game is to understand it's all a game, there are rules, there is the approach. If you ever want to turn someone off approach them from behind when you go to introduce yourself for the first time. It is not safe, that's a vulnerable position, also do not approach straight on, that is an attack move, we never want to threaten. So what you want to do is position yourself so you move in from their right, so you have the persons right ear.

Make your introduction, be sure to say the persons name out loud at least three times in the conversion, this does two things one helps you remember and two a persons own name is the sweetest sound they know. Now you need to show value, tell a joke, do a magic trick, a feat of skill, a mind game, carry a deck of cards and do a card trick. I like to order the lady a drink with a cherry in it, I take the cherry by the stem and let her eat the cherry I ask her if that was good. Then I ask if she would like to see me tie the cherry stem in a knot using only my tongue. I can do it in about 30 seconds, I give it to her and don't say anything until she speaks again.

For the rest go read the book. I didn't like the idea of this book at first, but it grew on me and I naturally do stuff it talks about. I'm a solo, because my best friend is a total asshole when I'm socializing and he's around, likes barging in on the rap, sometimes it's helpful because he's such an ass, but usually he pisses me off.

The Game is all about social confidence, if you can successfully approach and close and do that a few times then call them and go to the next level each success builds your self esteem and that goes a long way in life, business and society at large.

Seth
AHAHAHAHAHAHA >.>
My name is surely not the sweetest sound I can hear. I noticed a girl enamored with me used my name in essentially superfluous situations, and all it indicated was that she "liked me" liked me. And I did the same with a girl I "liked" liked. It's an indicator of the interest of the person who says it in the person whose name they said, but it doesn't necessarily work.

I came across as clingy and shit to the girl, and it was awkward in the end. That other girl to me, I didn't really notice; it took the tone in her voice for me to notice that she was interested, at that time.

If ever one finds a person like me, using my name on me doesn't help. I respond to what's real: intellect and personality. And I'm not the only one.
"and two a persons own name is the sweetest sound they know."

thats from "how to win friends and influence people, by D.C. !

hahahahaha
I absolutely agree with this. However, I definitely want to check out both of these books. I have no idea how to flirt. And I have no idea when someone is flirting with me.

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