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My main problem: finding atheist men who I can connect with!

Hi everyone,

Not to sound too conceited or anything, but my problem isn't necessarily finding dates/men.. but actually finding men who are not scared of my intelligence! Just being an atheist means you are dramatically more intelligent than the average joe. I would argue that this is mostly because of all the careful study and research a lot of us do to finally come to that conclusion. Also, being an atheist means that you have the intellectual capacity to realize that the universe wasn't made for just you. Wow! That seems to take an extreme amount of reason...

I am 23, but I still feel the overwhelming pressures of sexism ... to let the man wear the pants. I was in a great relationship from 19-21 where it was completely egalitarian and respecting. However, the ones since then, and it seems those types that I am attracted to, are very intimidated by me being an intelligent/educated woman. It's the whole, "barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen" mentality it seems. I don't see gender roles as evil, but I do see it as evil when men basically want you to be their slave..... :(. ugh.

Anyways, I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to meet people who are more on my wave length. Fellow humanists/atheists it would appear. My last relationship was a quick one, with an ex-jehovah's witness! Oh man, the mental scarring that man faced was just downright sad. Anyway, that didn't work out mainly because of how nutty that JW cult is! Since that, I have realized I must not settle for a "glazed eyed" drug addict. And by the word drug I mean religion. However, a lot of the atheist men I do meet bore me to death or are extremely socially awkward. Why is that?

Anyway, does anyone face the same problem as me?

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tom Pandelaere on October 1, 2010 at 10:44pm

As humans, we are accursed in that we yearn for affectionate company yet are constantly disappointed by it. This is called idealism.
The dearth which you experience works the other way round as well. I have long been looking for a rational, down-to-earth woman who is well-versed in sundry branches of science, culture, history and whatnot - yet any approximations of this prototype hitherto consistently felt nothing whatsoever for me. For me, a woman should be strong and independent. Yet I have a black, nihilistic sense of humour which appears to deter them, and they seem to be rare enough as it is.
On the whole, I get the impression that religious views are considerably more important to interpersonal relationships in the US than they are in Europe. Which does not alter the fact that I have always been a single eccentric.
I am, as it happens, at present 28; if you did not live on the other end of the world, I would be most interested in meeting you, however much I have resolved myself no longer to get involved in amorous entwinements.
The best of luck to you.

Permalink Reply by Clifford Gliddon on October 7, 2010 at 9:19am

I may have dated atheist women; with short relationships it never came up. I married two theists (not simultaneously), one of whom was a Theist in Name Only™, or a Catholic in Name Only™. She did it for the comfort dynamic, I think, but she was very open-minded, as am I, provided there is no proselytizing, so we never had a problem.

Suffering from the idealistic approach seems to be fairly common. A preferred woman to me would be intellectually flexible, but with full reality-engagement; IOW, not shallow or flimsy. I think that's the main thing for starters, although certainly other areas of attractiveness are important. I do have some very close, long-term female friends who fit this bill, but there has never been the spark, you know (at least not at the same time).

There are a lot of people in the online atheist community with whom I could easily be very friendly -- I find them all over. Just no luck in the dating arena yet. For everyone's benefit: one place I have found intelligent, non-theist or very unpretentious types is in well-known liberal churches, such as Unitarian Universalists, Unity, etc. I would never encourage church-going, but it's there for those who can stomach it, and I have met some great people that way. You'd be surprised how many atheists/agnostics there are in some of these places, almost as if they just can't kick the church habit.

Oh well. Sounds like the problem is widespread, Anna, and I hope things work out. Meanwhile, I am happy to converse with you on the intertubes.

Permalink Reply by Myke Sorrel on October 7, 2010 at 1:36pm

I agree with you, although i have never been with a atheist women, i would love to find one. I feel as if maybe when we meet someone like ourself, we need to exclude the whole philosophical aspect of things, we search for the truth on a independent level in my opinion. t's fine to include your mate but life isn't all about that. And as others pointed out, i have met a lot of females who claim their Christians but not really religious who i date most of the time, but the ultimate question always come up and that's how to raise the child, religious or to find their own way, they (females i date past a year period) always say they will not adhere to any morals if raised a atheist, so i see no point in wasting their time as my own.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on October 7, 2010 at 5:49pm

That's the biggest problem I see, too. It's easier to be all live-and-let-live when there are no children involved. If the two of you want kids, it's going to get sticky.

Permalink Reply by Michael on October 14, 2010 at 2:11am

Yes, I have similar issues... finding someone who is compatible mentally AND who can handle being with someone nonreligious is very difficult. Unfortunately being unusual (in pretty much any way) means being difficult to match.

Permalink Reply by Howard Titman on May 11, 2011 at 10:16pm

an intelligent young lady - stay with your views and don't compromize!!

Permalink Reply by Robert M. Reed on May 11, 2011 at 10:51pm

Well, sadly I find myself too old for you. (35) but I feel you. I live in north Louisiana. The only state to go UP in religious belief... its dishartening.

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on May 12, 2011 at 7:06pm

Umm, actually, I'm 35, and my girlfriend is 23. :-D And Anna is probably 24 by now. This thread was started nearly a year ago.

Permalink Reply by Craigart14 on May 20, 2011 at 9:52am

Hey, I used to teach at the university in Natchitoches. It's a different world . . . .

Permalink Reply by Robert M. Reed on May 12, 2011 at 8:19pm

Shit... id date you!

Permalink Reply by Joseph P on May 12, 2011 at 8:21pm

Yeah, nothing wrong with robbing the cradle, as long as everyone's legal and it's not an emotionally dominating relationship.

Permalink Reply by Michael Brodie on May 20, 2011 at 12:08am

What are you all complaining about. I'm 63. Anybody have a cutie-pie, atheist Grandma in Southern California? I have a car and can drive at night. :))