Mixed marriage

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Permalink Reply by Sam Jones on June 21, 2010 at 9:06pm

I didn't have a marriage, but, I ended a loving relationship because of mixed religious values and kids. It came down to this one statement. " I want my kids to be confirmed in a catholic church". I said "I don't want my children experiencing religious indoctrination until they are old enough to think free and make sound decisions". To which she posed the question "well, since it means so much to me would you let me do it anyways" To which I replied, "that seems a bit one sided, do you not see how much it means to me to allow our child to be a free thinker and choose whatever he/she wants to believe in? " She said "no, it doesn't because I would forever wonder if my child went to heaven or not if it died before it got confirmed/baptized". At this point I realized that our relationship was over. She wasn't even willing to consider what I had said because she felt that her beliefs were right. I do not want to be in any relationship where the other person won't even consider my feelings. I wasn't completely opposed to the baptism. I just wanted to know if she would even consider my half of the discussion and my feelings and put them above a faith she doesn't even regularly practice.

TL:DR - It can work if the other person is willing to put your feelings above any religious belief conflict in the relationship. Since the teachings are against all other "false gods" and "other ways of thinking". It's highly unlikely you will meet a true christian that put's you above god.

To add, When I get married, nothing, i mean nothing will come before my wife or children.

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Permalink Reply by damian on July 2, 2010 at 6:38am

""To add, When I get married, nothing, i mean nothing will come before my wife or children."" -- I was thinking about compromising, because of the slim pickins around here. I never can bring myself to move forward with a xtian. Your statement summarizes how i really feel, and maybe i should just stick to it:)

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Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on June 21, 2010 at 9:34pm

I'm married to a Catholic. He is from Goa, India, where most people are Catholic. He is not that serious about it and in coming to America he's had his mind expanded toward different types of people. I was in my pagan experimentation phase when I met him and he saw no problem with it. He accepted me then and accepts me now. I don't feel so great about the Catholic church but it's not like he gives them money (although he does sometimes say "who has time to think about all that?" when I talk about different things...but he says that about other things too!) Basically he believes in God and thinks God will help him. I don't think that, and have my reasons for why God/prayer/etc doesn't make sense, but I'd rather have him believe in God if it makes him happy than go along with atheism just to kiss up to me. So in a way I am happy for him, even if that's a bit of cognitive dissonance.

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Permalink Reply by Trey Miller on June 25, 2010 at 1:52pm

When we married 17 years ago, I was christian and my wife, catholic. Neither of us were involved with the church, so when I became agnostic and ultimately atheist, she took it in stride. She now describes herself as agnostic, so she's headed in the right direction, in my opinion.

I really comes down to how committed each of you are to your beliefs. If you're both very committed and children are involved, it may be a rocky road.

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Permalink Reply by Trey Miller on July 2, 2010 at 9:31am

That's a tough situation, Emily. Assuming that both of you are truly committed to your position with regard to religion, if you cannot reach a compromise in your marriage on how to raise your children, then in divorce, you both will still be dealing with the same issue. From that perspective, perhaps you can agree to allow them to attend church/Sunday school if he will allow you to expose them to alternatives?

My boys (10 & 14) have been to church and exposed to christianity via friends/family/school. My youngest attended the Mustard Seed Club before school to learn about god, jebus and other fables. We support their exposure to a variety of beliefs as we want them to make their own decisions. Hopefully, you two can find some compromise and allow your children do the same.

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Permalink Reply by Rich Lane on July 2, 2010 at 9:24am

My wife is a Hispanic from Texas who was raised Baptist. I was a religious tabula rasa when we met in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I started attending church with her when we began dating. I even went in the dunking tank. After about a year of marriage, we moved back to my home town in Pennsylvania, and though we tried a couple of churches nothing really clicked for us so we sort of drifted out of the Sunday scene. Fast forwarding nearly two decades, I am now an atheist and she's...not much of anything anymore I guess. I think she's still a Christian, but she never talks about it and doesn't make any attempt to keep up with it at all. She knows I'm an atheist, but religion never really comes up in our house at all anymore unless some jackass does something religion that disgusts us and makes the news.

The only time she's even mentioned my atheism was at a party when I was getting perhaps a bit louder than I should when discussing religion with someone. I mention Heaven and she smacked my arm and said, "Oh, what do you know...you're an atheist, so you're going to hell anyways."

As horrible as that sounds in print, I had to laugh because I knew from her tone that it was just a smart-ass jab to shut me up.

Generally speaking our kids seem to follow me as much as they care about the idea of religion at all. My oldest son makes smart ass comments about religion every now and again, and my younger son proudly wears a Flying Spaghetti Monster T-shirt. My daughters don't talk about it at all, so it apparently means very little to them one way or the other.

The closest we've come to a family discussion of religion in years was just last Thanksgiving. It was the first time the six of us were all at the same table for a major holiday in a couple of years. Before we dug in, my wife said, "Before we start, Dad's going to say grace."

Silence.

Then the table erupted in laughter.

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Permalink Reply by AnarchistMommy on July 2, 2010 at 9:45am

My husband is not a devout xian, but he does believe in an afterlife, judgement day and intelligent design. We never have really talked much with our kids about religion, but for awhile we did attend church. The other day he told the kids that his parents are in heaven and that one day they will get to meet them. I almost went through the roof. It was at that moment I realized how hard this is going to be.

He says he doesnt mind me teaching our kids about atheism and evolution as long as they learn both sides. First of all, in my mind there is no evidence for god or intelligent design, so how can I feel good about them learning both sides, when I dont think there is anything to learn from his side.

We haven't really had any fights about it yet, because I try not to talk about it around him.

I guess I am just disappointed that he still is religious after everything he has seen and heard.

Thanks for all your responses....

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Rice on July 10, 2010 at 8:19am

I was jewish and my husband was xtian when we got married. In the past year or so I have realized I am atheist. It hasn't affected our marriage. Lately however,I have shuttered at the idea of my daughter going to church. I had said when we got married that if we had children they could be raised xtian. Religion was always unimportant to me and at the time it didn't bother me. My feelings have drastically changed and it is an obstacle coping with. I am concerned about the kind of woman she will grow up to be.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Rice on July 26, 2010 at 11:44am

I am sorry you are going through that. I imagine it feels like it is thrown in your face even if it's not your family's intentions. I hope you and your daughter remain close and your husband and his family are as excepting of your atheism as you are of their theism. Me and my husband are raising our daughter to be aware there are other religions and people that don't believe like her mommy. In my opinion,I think that is the best way to go whether you are in a mixed marriage or not. It keeps your child from being ignorant about the world,also.

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Permalink Reply by ETres on July 28, 2010 at 1:24pm

Here's my basic situation...

Been married for 23 years. She was a big Baptist church girl, I was raised Episcopalian. Religion wasn't an issue in our relationship and to this day, it still isn't (lucky feller, I am). My skepticism and non-belief has grown during the course of our marriage due to my own introspection. She accepts that. I suspect hers has to, but not to my extent. Like I said, religion isn't part of our relationship at all, and we never attend church.

We have two teenaged sons, 14 and 17. One goes to a Baptist youth group on Wed nights (all his friends are there), the other son doesn't. They both believe in God, and I understand that. I did, too, at their age (altough my deepest doubts go back to my youth).

They don't know that I don't believe, and I'd rather they didn't. I think it would be a bit much for them, especially the youngest, to comprehend at their age. Some may disagree with my decision, but I'm doing what I think is best under the circumstances.

I'm allowing them freewill much like my parents allowed me freewill (religion/church was not pushed on me, even though we often attended church). If, in their adulthood, they continue to believe, then that's their choice. If they begin to question, as I did, then so be it. I fully expect them to ask my opinion on such matters one of these days, and I will tell them the truth as I see it. But for now, it's "don't ask, don't tell." I'll know when the time is right to express my non-belief, and now isn't it.

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