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Losing my virginity at 20?

now if you have read my othert discussions you'll understand my "pain" as "I" say. now im 20 no experience with girls in every category, im horny , i cant find a job, afford college, and have no car:(. see i m white and like other forms of music other than rap, but live in "urnan"/ "american ghetto " neighborhood. i've never been laid, made out once, and have never try humped or had or gavwe oral sex :(. see girls my age expect a guy wwith experience and a little money, sadly i have neither. now i need advice, should i pay for a prostitute or escort, with a little saved cash i saved. any sugeestions?

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Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on May 16, 2010 at 2:50pm

You don't have to feel bad for being a virgin at this age. I remember also feeling like I was the last virgin on Earth at around age 19. I technically lost my virginity on January 1, 2000--I say technically b/c he was drunk, and kept it up for only a few seconds. I went from being technically a virgin (I had lesbian sex with my best friend once) to technically not. And for a few years after that I still felt romantically cursed, like other people knew about some boyfriend/girlfriend store where they could instantly get boyfriends/girlfriends one after the other. I also felt like all the other gays and bisexuals were out partying and I was stuck in an isolated town. It seemed I had a 100% rejection rate. My favorite excuses were always "I don't want to hurt you" (gee, it doesn't hurt to be rejected???) and "I don't want to ruin our friendship" (should have thought of that before you made out with me?) and I also seemed to get turned down for being inexperienced--so apparently sex is the same as a job interview, you're supposed to have experience but no one wants to give you a chance to get experience. (There are always those who want to "deflower" someone though, and it isn't just males to females. I'm also a little sad that I never got a chance to take anyone's virginity!)

I don't think people should have to feel "pathetic" or embarrassed to be a virgin at any age. I'm all for sexual freedom but also people shouldn't have to feel like they have to do anything. The truth is there ARE plenty of people who are virgins in their early (or even late) 20s, for whatever reason. I don't think it's just religious people who want to wait until they're older--some people just don't want to take on that risk at a young age when people are immature. Some people didn't find a suitable partner b/c they're shy or didn't fit in with the people around them. It's just the way it's happened for some people.

It's hard for me to advise about paying for it, b/c that wasn't really an option and I don't know how good, or how educational, they are. They can be expensive though and risky.

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Permalink Reply by Abnormal on May 17, 2010 at 1:25am

Meh. Sex doesn't really change anything about who you are. Once you have it you find your the same old person. It'll happen sooner or later.

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Permalink Reply by Stephen Moore on May 17, 2010 at 3:42am

True, but it is very hard to grasp that idea, let alone accept it whilst one is a virgin. Especially so when there is a pervasive message throughout society that one ought to be sexually active in one's early 20s. It's a harmful message, for there is no ought or should about it.

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Permalink Reply by Stephen Moore on May 17, 2010 at 4:13am

Having the same experience myself, I can certainly empathise with what you are feeling, micheal. It is hard, and difficult, and painful. And it certainly doesn't help one's sense of personal esteem or worth, which of course impacts on how willing one is to get out there and pursue opportunities.

It is rather easy for all of us to say, "Don't worry about it. When it happens it happens". But it is good advice. I was 18 when I had my first kiss, and 21 when I had my first sexual experience. It was not until I was in my mid-20s that I lost my virginity (technical, since I wasn't able to reach ejaculation on that occasion), and not until my late-20s that I was comfortable enough with myself to be able to maintain an erection until ejaculation whilst having sex with a woman (and thus really feel comfortable with the idea that I was no longer a virgin).

But for all of that, I am now in a position to recognise that my concerns about being a virgin were much ado about nothing. The fear and concern I put myself through, the hatred and loathing I felt for myself (compounded by my living with clinical depression), were all unjustified. I was, quite simply, making mountains out of molehills. And I think you are doing the same, michael. This is not to dismiss or diminish what you are feeling, for your feelings and anguish are very real. I simply say that as someone who has been there and come out the other side.

As to whether or not you should employ the services of a sex-worker, if you think it will help, sure, go ahead. Be sure to tell the woman you employ that you are a virgin, and you are hiring her services to loose your virginity. And don't just go for the first one you come across. If you can, visit a brothel. That way you meet with a few different workers, explain your situation, get a feel for what the different women are like and choose one you are comfortable with. These are professional women, and a good sex-worker will be understanding of your situation and be accommodating to it. Go there to enjoy yourself, not just to knock off a nut, so to speak.

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Permalink Reply by Shelby on May 17, 2010 at 6:18am

Huh? He's in Michigan. Isn't prostitution and brothels illegal in all states except a few counties in Nevada? Should you be encouraging him to do something illegal just to lose virginity?

Micheal, have you tried online dating sites? There is always going to be someone out there in the same boat as you and are looking for the same thing. And there is numerous ways to take care of your horniness thru masterbation.

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Permalink Reply by Stephen Moore on May 17, 2010 at 7:29am

Canada is just a hop, skip and a jump away.

I'm not encouraging michael to do anything. I merely stated that if he felt it would be worthwhile to him to pursue this option, there is nothing wrong with that, and then explained what I thought to be a good approach if he chose to take that route.

Prostitution may well be illegal, but there is nothing inherently immoral about using the services of a sex worker. Blanket prohibition of this work, wither in its provision or use, is stupid. But that's another discussion.

And yes, I am aware that brothels are illegal in Canada, too. But escort services are legal and available Ontario, though that would require the extra expense of a hotel room.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra Stott on May 17, 2010 at 9:28am

Plus the cost of a passport and the trip across. But yes, I was about to also suggest going into Canada if you feel the need to find a prostitute.

But I have to add, IMO, giving in and hiring a prostitute is not going to make you feel better - it might backfire on you and make you feel worse. I like the advice from Rock Girl.

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Permalink Reply by Andrew Hall on May 17, 2010 at 6:50am

First you need a plan. Even if it's not a great plan, the plan can be altered as you go along. My suggestions...

1. VOLUNTEER. Volunteering will get you possible job contacts as well as possible exposure to girls.

2. EXERCISE. Can't tell from the picture if you do or not. If not start out with simple stuff like pushups/crunches.

3. GET A THING. Find something you are passionate about and cool. This will make you standout fromm the other guys.

4. YOU HAVE TO GET OUTTA THE GHETTO. I lived in an urban environment... it sucks. This is a longterm goal (maybe... maybe not).

5. EDUCATE YOURSELF. Hit the library. Read. You will have something to talk about.

6. TALK TO GIRLS. Don't try anything fancy. The more you do it the better you will be.

7. BATHE/DRESS. A lot of guys just don't get the "take a bath/shower" thing seriously. Try to look good without looking like you're trying to look good.

Those are my suggestions. Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Leilani on May 17, 2010 at 8:40am

Andrew seriously has the best advice, in my opinion.

I can't speak for all girls, but intelligence is really sexy. You don't have to have a degree to be smart or worthwhile. Reading is a great idea and the library is free. Learn to play an instrument, or learn to cook one great meal. Add to your 'social value'.

Guys who volunteer, come across as loving, sweet and responsible. Especially if it's something you really are passionate about. Because then you will meet girls who are also loving and responsible, and you will have a cause in common.

#7 is really very, very, very, important. Hygiene is vital. Clean clothes, clean mouth, clean body will get you further than a car ever will. If you have a bike, you can look environmentally responsible, some girls dig that. :)

Get out of the house! Don't only talk to really hot girls, don't go into a conversation with your end goal only being sex. I have never tried a dating site, but use a free site. Paid sites, mathematically speaking, don't work. There's an article about it online...

I think buying sex isn't going to be the best idea. Maybe it's because I am a chick, but I would hate for my first intimate memory to be with someone I paid. I think that honestly takes away from it. You may be uncomfortable and someone who doesn't care for you or about you may not treat you with the kindness you may want. And I also think losing your virginity isn't the most important thing in the world and certainly not worth spending the last part of your dough on. It could prevent a girl in the future from being intimate with you.

Be yourself. Trust yourself. Don't let your virginity make you feel unusual. A lot of girls wouldn't really care. I know I didn't.

But I agree 100% with all of Andrew's suggestions.

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Permalink Reply by brent on May 17, 2010 at 9:27am

Set your standards LOW. Fat chicks will go for it. Troll the bar around closing time, they always hang out to snach up the shitfaced guys anyways. You might want to be pretty shitty yourself though. Oh, and watch out for THE FRIEND. You know, the one that without fail vomits those words "we came here together, we're leaving together." She will ruin it...trust me.

Now go get 'em killer.