Well, here's a joke thread friends. Just post a great joke you know and come back a few days later to see what others have posted.

Here's mine to start:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I won’t be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

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Ohh.... After posting this I went looking at jokes and found a grand one about Jesus. It wasn't signed....

The Holy Trinity decides to go on a vacation. The Son proposes to go to San Fransisco, but the Father finds that place too liberal minded. So the Father proposes to go to Jerusalem. “I can’t go on vacation there!” says the Son, “That’s where I got killed! I can’t believe you just said that!”

A fight breaks out, and the Holy Spirit walks out. “If y’all can’t come up with something when I come back, we’re not going anywhere!”

An hour later the Holy Spirit walks back into the room, and the Father and the Son excitedly say they want to go to Rome. “Rome?” says the Holy Spirit, “Great idea! I’ve never been there before!”
Seen on an atheists tombstone:

All dressed up - no place to go.

(This next one was told to me by a priest)

Two priests are golfing. One tees up and, failing to yell "FORE" hits a beaut straight down the fairway. Unfortunately, it strikes a man in the side of the head and he goes down like a rock. The Padres jump into their golf cart and race to the fallen man. He is dead with the ball embedded in his temple.

"My Lord! My Lord! Father McGrath, what are you going to do!" "Well, Father Cavelli, I was thinking of using my wedge..."

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