I'm not going to Hell Mom!

It is a tragic event when a son or daughter comes to their religious parent and proclaims their atheism. It is usually never good. Like scenario A: (which happened to me) Son comes to mother says I am an atheist, mother tries not to judge, son wants to talk about it to her, mother does not.

This leaves a huge elephant in the room that we both try to ignore. Am I so wrong that I dont want to ignore it? I want to talk about my beliefs to someone who has told me all of my life that my soul will burn in hell for eternity for how I now believe (or don't believe as I pointed out to her). It makes a normally pleasant mother rude and mad. I get hurt and it usually ends in a yelling match. We both blame the other.

I am sure to her this confirms that atheism has made her wonderful son a militant and is a bad thing to be avoided. How do I talk to her about my eternally damned soul, and that she needs not worry. I am sure this happens a lot. I have heard Christians share stories about their son/daughter turning atheist and that it has turned their otherwise sweet child into a devil. Theists on average get mad discussing the topic, its just a fact. Atheists can see it as any other topic and can talk candidly about it. I was hoping to psychologically analyze this debacle and help all other new atheists in this situation.

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Permalink Reply by Clare Fassio on June 21, 2010 at 12:02pm

You've already expressed to her your reasons for not believing and how she is being conned. That obviously didn't work because she is still religious. In my experience of showing religious people how utterly ridiculous their beliefs are, not one of them stops believing. Not one. Even the people who realize there are some problems with their beliefs would still hold on to their beliefs. You cannot change someone who is unwilling to change themselves. To continue telling your mom she's wrong will only push her away. I doubt she'll ever leave her religion, but I'm sure she'll come to realize that you are still the same person as you were before you stopped believing. She may never accept that you are atheist, but it will stop being a big elephant in the room.

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Permalink Reply by Rudy Ruddell on June 21, 2010 at 11:55pm

So what is your recommendation, Clare, accept the abuse?

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Permalink Reply by Rayray on June 20, 2010 at 3:45pm

Thanks, that is where we are now. I have given her much reading material and evidence about my understanding. She hasn't read any of it but she knows that I have a very good reason that she cannot contend with. Faith is a much better reason to believe in something rather than evidence and reality (apparently). But she leaves the topic alone, and so do I.

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Permalink Reply by Rudy Ruddell on June 20, 2010 at 5:13pm

What if she says she is going to pray for you. What would you say?

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Permalink Reply by Rayray on June 20, 2010 at 6:29pm

Who knows what those spur of the moment responses would produce. I think it may be an, "ok" or "whatever makes you feel good" or something along those lines. I would probably try to change the subject or leave. If she persisted, I would probably ask if she has read any of the material I had given her. That would give me an easy way to end that.

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Permalink Reply by Clare Fassio on June 21, 2010 at 12:06pm

I have people who know I am atheist say they'll pray for me quite frequently. They aren't praying for me to become religious again or save my soul or anything like that. But if I've had a bad day, they'll say "I'll pray for you because I want to help, even if you think it won't work." I always respond, "Instead, pray for an amputee to have their limb grow back. And when it does I will believe and pray all day everday." And that usually end the conversation :)

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Permalink Reply by dr kellie on June 20, 2010 at 2:39pm

My family has experienced a few deaths and illnesses over the past 2 years. It has caused a huge resurgence of god and church stuff with everyone but me. I'm having a hard time enduring it, and my mother is starting to suspect that I don't believe or at least that I am not religious enough. She sent me a birthday card a few weeks ago and told me that I needed to be, "Thinking about where my soul would spend eternity," and also asked, "Do you not believe in the God of the Bible?" When we talked on the phone later, I didn't mention that part of the card. I think my silence spoke volumes. For years, I faked it and even went to church with them when I was home. I can't swing that anymore. I thought I could follow the don't ask/don't tell format with this, but she going to ask me the next time I visit, and I'm going to be honest with her.

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Permalink Reply by dr kellie on June 21, 2010 at 11:27am

It just isn't capitalized. I suppose I don't like the look of a capital d. Thanks for the input. And it is cute that you were an atheist kid. I was always a skeptic. I remember drilling my mother (because my father, while a xtian, knows nothing about the bible) on things like Noah's Ark and a virgin birth and all the nonsensical well known stories. My father and grandfather are Masons, and when I asked my grandmother (an atheist), what that meant, she told me that it meant they didn't ever have to go to church and they could still get into heaven. I instantly wanted to be a mason. Zombie jesus, what a bunch of crap.

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Permalink Reply by Rayray on June 20, 2010 at 7:56pm

Wow, a very personal death is what brought me to atheism.

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Permalink Reply by dr kellie on June 21, 2010 at 11:31am

That is interesting. I imagine that is true of a good share of people. I definitely became solidified on "coming out" after the funeral of my brother last year. It was rife with fire and brimstone bullshit. Sickening.