VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – Televangelist and 700 Club host Pat Robertson, 83, today interrupted a segment of his show dedicated to fielding audience questions to describe the method by which he has remained “straight and AIDS-free” throughout his long preaching career. Robertson—whose show reaches nearly 1 million viewers a day—said that, since 1969, he’s been wearing an “anti-sodomite” necklace, which, according to Robertson, “repels homosexuals and other queers, and keeps [him] free of their abhorrent lifestyles and gay diseases.”
“With all the gayness poisoning our great nation these days, you might think it’s only by God’s grace that I have managed to remain straight and healthy through it all,” Robertson told his viewers. “But, for once, this was no miracle—I have only my gay-repelling necklace to thank, which has kept all sexual degenerates at least 20 feet away from me for the last 44 years, ever since the stonewall riots convinced me the gays were coming for my heterosexuality.”
Robertson neglected to fully explain the necklace’s powers, revealing only that “it involves hyper-masculine materials, such as moose semen and barbed wire,” but said that he is finally ready to share it with the world. “For only ten easy payments of $59.99, you too can protect yourself from fancy-boy, disease spreading homosexuals,” Robertson said. 700 Club producers expect sales of the necklace to generate substantial funds for the show, which netted over $400 million in donations in 2005 alone.
Robertson’s unveiling came as a response to inquiries concerning comments he made on his show earlier this week. On Tuesday, Robertson used a portion of his show to claim that American homosexuals in cities like San Francisco are intentionally spreading AIDS via “specials rings” that “cut your finger” during handshakes and thereby infect you with the deadly HIV virus. “Really,” the host said. “It’s that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.”
“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
Actually, all an opponent (or debater) would have to do is enumerate with capsulized adumbration the previous opinions of this doddering old fool. He lives in other times, suffering as he does from senile dementia. History has a way of overtaking such loons, making it clear they wound up on the wrong side of time. He forgets the most important thing one may find in the Bible, the Book of Ecclesiastes, as great a poem in the hands of he who responded to King James's request (thank god for that silly queen!) and left readers with the best "philosophy of life" in Chapter 9, Verse 11, and I cannot help but repeat it, as it is my motto: "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Pat Robber'son is an accident of birth. Nothing more.
No, no Greg. What he's actually doing is farting. He's had a build up of gas that not even GasX can tame, so he has had to interrupt his show lately, apologizing, and farting. Sheepishly, he said, "I sat by a duchess at tea. / She farted and they thought it was me...." Of course, being elderly he must confront a constant battle with orgasms that are dry and farts that are wet.
Pretty funny. I googled on your line -
I sat next the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply abominable,
And everyone thought it was me.
But there was also
I sat with the Duchess at tea,
Who asked, “Do you fart when you pee?”
I replied, “Not a bit.
“Do you belch when you shit?”
And I felt that was one up for me.
I needed a Limerick diversion. Thanks.
Thanks for your original version of the limerick. I am partial to this form of versification, the Western haiku. I willl add these to my files. No matter how many times one hears a parent's amusing statements as a child, the exact wording and who patches of rhyme dim with age.
It's kind of a waste of humor. These televangelists are parodies of themselves- no need to make this stuff up. Besides, leave the fake accusations to the christians who are truly full of it. We don't need a reputation of stooping to their level, they will use it against us.