Lawrence Wright has a new book Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, & the Prison of Belief that I picked up (ok, downloaded) last week. I've been wondering about why I find this so-called religion so fascinating and I think in part it has to do with my 2 year (and would have been longer if a friend's mother hadn't intervened) involvement in Landmark Education, formerly known as Est, which has its foundation in Scientology. I see myself, or at any rate, my past self, before I began to use my critical brain, in the people that get involved.

I grew up in a Mennonite home. Both my parents were born Amish, my mother's family converted to Conservative Mennonite when she was young (my grandfather wanted a tractor for his farm), and my father converted to Conservative Mennonite when he was 18. After my parents married, they switched to Mennonite, which was less strict. It's a basic, run of the mill Christian religion, emphasis on mission work and helping the poor. The men registered as CO for drafts (my father served as an orderly in a hospital during the Korean War), the women were encouraged to dress plain. Fire and brimstone was preached. Dancing was not allowed. Non-conformity was not encouraged. The area that I grew up in was overrun with mostly Mennos, Amish, and ConMennos-insular and unforgiving of anyone who might be different. Gossip was rampant.

Guess who was different.

Because of the hypocrisy, when I went to college I hardly ever returned. My membership lapsed (I had been baptized at 13). But I was still haunted by fear, mostly of the apocalypse to come (I can remember driving home with my eye on the full moon, checking if it began to turn red with blood). I still had nightmares of looking out my window and seeing a landscape of nothing but fire. I tried out all sorts of beliefs, especially of the New Age variety. Shirley McClain, Carlos Casteneta, etc-all read and devoured. I had never heard of Scientology until one day someone had left Dianetics at the radio station I volunteered at. A friend who was there threw it in the garbage, saying something along the lines of it being a cult started by a science fiction writer. End of story. After I moved to Minneapolis, I remember walking past the Scientology office downtown, and thinking "cult". Someone was usually outside handing out material. I always said no. Cause it's a cult.

So then why didn't I use the same sort of mental check when it came to Landmark? I knew-they told us-that Werner Ernhart who started it had been involved in Scientology. But they also told us that the allegations were unfounded that he had stole the idea from them. I trusted my friend who introduced me to it, and I trusted them. But the more I read now about Scientology, the more it sounds like Landmark (without the beatings from the leader or the forced labor camps). The invented language for use among the initiated, the classes, the advanced classes, the pressure to advance and spend money even when you can't afford it.

I think what really gets to me, reading this new book, is the thought that it could have been me. What did I do when I couldn't afford a class, but still wanted to be involved in the world of Landmark? Volunteered. What do Scientologists do who want to be involved but don't have money? Sign a billion-year contract in SeaOrg. I know on the face of it, that doesn't sound the same, but if I had been in that same situation in Scientology instead of Landmark, I could see that I would have been persuaded to sign over my life. I was so desperate for answers, for a clear path to my life. Landmark was such a high-it seemed to open up so many previously unthinkable possibilities. I know why people get addicted to these types of organizations. I've been there. And coming out of it was about a year of horrid directionless near-depression. Thank goodness for my friend's mother and the invention of the internet and Michael Shermer and James Randi and Carl Sagan and all the other authors that helped me begin the process of thinking for myself.

I see myself in these wretched people who sign away their lives and are given nothing for it and it breaks my heart. There, but for the grace of chance, go I.

At any rate, read the book. Wright did a piece for The New Yorker last year about Paul Haggis and his experiences in Scientology that was very in depth. This book is a further exploration into Scientology from the beginning. His writing is unbiased from what I can see so far (I'm about halfway through). It's given my brain a lot to chew on.

Thanks for letting me share.