At Mihai's suggestion.

Please do not post links to some giant page full of expressions. This is audience participation, and links (or entire webpages copied-and-pasted) just kill the conversation.

I'll go first with some expressions for female masturbation.

Jilling off.
Feeding the bearded clam.
Pearl fishing.

Tags: euphemisms for masturbation, masturbation, self-gratification

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I"m getting such an education! Here I thought I knew it all.
shaking hands with mr. happy
Spending the stimulus package.
"Stimulating the spending package" also works.
Ha! How... timely!
wank - wanker
toss - tosser
maintaining my dignity
Heh. Not in this discussion!
I don't know any for female masturbation. For stroking the male member, I forgot more expressions than you ever knew. There are the perennial favorites such as "choking the chicken: and "jerkin' the gherkin", but I can't seem to recall any other references to wielding the pork sword right now.
Self-service? :P

When I was in High School, it meant 5 Our Fathers and 20 Hail Mary's after I stepped out of the confession box.

Hmm.. I often wondered how many calories I burned with the prayers included.

:)
I remember a joke where sex was referred to as laundry.

It ended by "doing a load by hand."
Ha! I'm convinced that just about anything can be turned into a double entender.

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