At Mihai's suggestion.

Please do not post links to some giant page full of expressions. This is audience participation, and links (or entire webpages copied-and-pasted) just kill the conversation.

I'll go first with some expressions for female masturbation.

Jilling off.
Feeding the bearded clam.
Pearl fishing.

Tags: euphemisms for masturbation, masturbation, self-gratification

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Don't you mean "shaking hands with the unemployed" ?

I always loved the way the chaps over at The Picture turn a phrase - "foaming hand shandy".

Singlehandedly (heh), they have contributed more to the English language than the combined efforts of the entire planet over the years.
Reminds me: "say hello to/shake hands with my little friend".
Oh...I've been unemployed much too long. It's starting to hurt.
spanking the monkey (female)
polishing the knob (male)
punching the muffin (female)
rubbing one out (both)
(male) Powering-up the lightsaber ("May...the...force...be...with...MEEEEEEEEEE")
I wonder if Darth Vader has a convenient zipper, or does he have to take off all that gear?
I don't want to know. I'd expect his john to look like a Darth Vader action figure, with just an extra slit on the helmet.
Yeah, he did get burnt pretty badly.
I was just looking at a website selling outfits like that last night.
Ha! I've heard about people who are so gifted.
I know people who use "Darth's heavy breath" ringtones on their cellphone, I never realized it could be a sexual fetish before you pointed this out to me.
It seems that just about anything can be.

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