At Mihai's suggestion.

Please do not post links to some giant page full of expressions. This is audience participation, and links (or entire webpages copied-and-pasted) just kill the conversation.

I'll go first with some expressions for female masturbation.

Jilling off.
Feeding the bearded clam.
Pearl fishing.

Tags: euphemisms for masturbation, masturbation, self-gratification

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This is why I'm lobbying for a 36 hour day.
Lol - wasn't expecting that!
True. To get a "real" orgasm, it sometimes takes me up to an hour, so I have to really plan it out--esp considering I live with family, and also have to find a time when no relatives are going to barge into my room.
Let them barge in once, (1) they won't do it again and (2) you won't have to bother thinking about it anymore.
She's a 60 minute woman!
Cartman: Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.
... but how do we find the clitoris? (South Park, Bigger, Longer, Uncut)
For a nominal fee, I sell maps. For a not so nominal fee, I give guided tours.
Ha! Filed away for future reference, should the need arise.
Self-abuse was a popular term used for it in JW literature.

As in "Are you struggling with the secret sin of self-abuse?"

It seems that the Eastern Orthodox Church uses this term as well as the especially colorful self-pollution and self-seduction.

http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/selfabuse.aspx

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