Dealing with my depression...

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Permalink Reply by Tom Pandelaere on May 25, 2010 at 10:20am

Without trying to appear supercilious, I can tell you that it is usually the societal norms to which you think you should accommodate that cause anxiety. No one says you should have a car or sex or friends, there is no moral law which coerces you to. I shall soon be 28; I have never driven a car, never been on a date and hardly anyone I would consider a friend. Yet I oftentimes manage to feel strangely superior because of that. I think one should be proud of non-conformism. (If this sounds arrogant, that’s just my Asperger’s.) The thing is, radical individualism is a hugely liberating thing and ought to be cherished. I hope you find your own way to sabotage social conventions.

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Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on May 25, 2010 at 10:47am

I was going to say something like this. I am turning 30 soon and live with my parent (I had a 3 year stint living in apts and getting ripped off by landlords...got sick of that.) I was also unemployed for almost 2 years...finally got a low paying part time job. I don't want to go to any high school reunions and see all the classmates I hated who now own their own homes and make 6 figures. I do feel sometimes defensive or like I'll be judged, especially for the living with parent thing...but I personally don't think there is anything wrong with it, and actually have my reasons why it's a good thing (saving resources, money, spending time with family). Still, societal judgment is a hard thing to completely overcome. But should someone's worth be based on how much money they make, or how much money they generate for some corporation? Or their ability to be intimate with someone else/have lots of intercourse? Why is it so important to be independent even if you're broke and miserable?

Getting involved in something to occupy your time can be helpful. So going to school might be a good thing. Maybe you could get dropped off a block away from the school if you feel embarrassed? There is a segment of the population who never learns to drive. I don't think that's you, but there isn't something wrong with it. I also was car-less for awhile after my one car died, and was getting rides/borrowing my mom's car, etc. You could also learn to drive if you don't know how, and then at least borrow the car maybe?

I imagine there are a lot of depressed people in Detroit. Even looking at it on Google Maps, it looks like the place is falling apart!

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Permalink Reply by Adia Lynette on May 25, 2010 at 2:15pm

Have you considered getting therapy or joining a support group? It's obvious you need emotional and social support. I'm not trying to be cruel - I'm bipolar and take meds, therapy, and group help. But I noticed that you tend to post these long "help me" posts on a site that's not really for that type of stuff.

Just a suggestion.

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Permalink Reply by VanCity Skeptic on June 3, 2010 at 1:09pm

Hi Michael :)

I'm sorry you've had some tough breaks in life. Myself, I've been a hermit for a long time because I've never been able to "fit in" to society very well. I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder called Agoraphobia that makes my life a living nightmare on the best of days.

Is there hope for you? Well, there was a time in my life where I was a shut-in: Couldn't hold a job, couldn't interact with people, couldn't leave the house, gained 50+ lbs. I was just maybe 21... Now I'm 28, happily married, been at my job for 3 years, lost all the weight, and while I still have trouble interacting with others, I do have my share of "acquaintances" online that serve was friend-substitutions. Eh, I'll always have my difficulties ;)

Point is, life gets better, but I'm afraid only if we strive for it. I can't sit here and say life will ever just "magically" get better on it's own. You have to work for it, and push for it, and sometimes go beyond your comfort zone.

For the record, my husband married me despite all my crazy.. AND -before- I lost all the weight (the aforementioned 50 lbs). Sometimes it's all about finding a person who just accepts you for who you are. However, acceptance should never be used as an excuse not to change: If you want change? You gotta work for it, and it has to be for -you- and no one else.


What -I'm- trying to say though, is Yes, there is hope.

I can't say it will be an easy ride, though. I wish I could. I went through hell and back to get where I am today.

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Permalink Reply by M. B. Keene on June 3, 2010 at 1:36pm

All of the advice here should be extremely helpful to you, but I'd like to just echo one little bit that's kept me afloat since high school: self-confidence. I was a lifeless virgin throughout high school only because I didn't have any faith in myself. Sure, I did have friends in the theater department and some hangers-on in the school courtyard, but most of those people were just more of me. Later on, I come to find out that there were several very attractive girls who would have totally dated me if I had only been more self-confident and accessible (and a little less of an asshole, but that was part of the self-confidence problem).

Now, I'm not from Detroit. Far from it. I grew up in Florida and South Carolina, so I don't know much about the hood sensibility. However, I can say that any girl worth her salt shaker will go for a guy who is confident. You can be normal, you can be weird, you can be downright bizarre, but as long as you don't apologize for your traits, you're fine. So what if you get rides from your parents? Your parents are cool like that, and gas prices suck anyway.

Here's the two words I live by, two words that keep me afloat socially and mentally: Fuck it.

People don't like you? Fuck it. People think you're out of shape? Fuck it. People think you're stupid? Fuck it. Any and all social problems can be solved by applying those two beautiful words.

Now, is that an easy attitude to develop and keep? Heck no. It took me until mid-way through my first semester of college to really get a solid grip on that attitude. I was 19, I'm 20 now. Once you learn to accept that nothing really matters, you can acquire the cojones to stand up and just say "Fuck it."

Oh, and exercise. Does wonders to sweat a little.

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Permalink Reply by Randi Enochson on June 4, 2010 at 1:09am

Michael, I also suffered from depression when i was your age and unfortunately didn't get help until I was 30. Don't make that mistake - therapy is a wonderful thing. Until you find a therapist I will give you some things I learned that helped a lot. First of all, when you are part of a family everyone is assigned a role. Maybe you are the favorite, the black sheep, the funny one - it doesn't matter, the point is that everyone plays their roles in order for the family to function as a unit. When you get older you may begin to feel uncomfortable with yourself if that role is not who you really are. It probably isn't since you were given your role as a child. It is hard to have close relationships when you are not being genuine to yourself. So, take the time to look at the role you were given, see if it fits who you are now and if it doesn't, start expressing your true self.
(I know, easier said than done)
Also, don't let the cost keep you from going to school - that's what student loans are for!
Hope this helps

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Permalink Reply by David Prentice on June 5, 2010 at 4:27pm

Nah, life's not shit. Sometimes the people in it are shit, but it's best just to ignore those people and hope they go away. Chuck who? ...

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Permalink Reply by Kevin Eversole on June 4, 2010 at 4:12pm

Im glad that you were able to share you story and feelings here on Nexus.

I must say that im a bit concerned that you are having suicidial feelings. I would like to suggest that you share these feelings with your medical provider.

This is a great forum for learning and sharing ideas. Please continue to share with us. You are not alone. You are one of us and we love you.

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