I was reading some of the other discussion topics but I was surprised I didn't see this already addressed. So my question is, what are your deal breakers? 

I have more than a few but some things are negotiable. However there are some absolute deal breakers. 

3. More than one small child. I'm not even sure I can handle one but I know more than one is too much obligation.

2. Neediness (is that a word?). This is usually tied into insecurity on their part. I shouldn't feel obligated to tell him he's a pretty princess everyday.

And number one on the charts is...

Bad Breath! How some people don't find their to the dentist regularly or (gasp) never floss, I'll never understand. 



Tags: breaker, deal, love, relationships

Views: 183

Replies to This Discussion

I just don't see any real need for a kid, especially not at this juncture in my life, nor in the future. For what? To pass on my genes? To suck up my limited resources? Why have a kid when I kid use that money to travel whenever I want (granted the job permits vacation time)? Plus the added responsibility is not a want or necessity to me. I get my joys through other peoples kids and my pets.

I'd be a fine mother, but there's no reason to become one, honestly.
I've had to rethink my deal-breakers and deal-makers since my last post. I know an intelligent woman is a big deal-maker. But that doesn't necessarily mean educated, nor a high IQ. What I do enjoy from my closest friends, men or women, is some serious, thoughtful conversation, regardless of intelligence or education. I think what you are looking for most in #2 is thoughtful.

As to children, I think most young couples in their 20s want children, and it being first time around for most, they want to raise their own, or possibly adopt one they may raise as their own. Most 1st timers don't want a 2nd timer, and most 2nd timers don't want more children as much as they want a companion. It's not, cut-and-dried, but it's the general rule, and I think it applies to both theists and non-theists.

You could qualify this, tho, and say that most non-theists are more likely to be independent thinkers and independent people. My observation is these tend not to want children until later in life, if at all, as much as they want to influence society for all ages.

Raising children in a mixed relationship raises an interesting point. It's awkward enough when cute little nephews and neices want to say a word about God, Jesus, or Sunday School. It would take two very mature parents/step-parents to raise an open family where the children are taught to think and choose for themselves. One more reason *should* I get in a long-term relationship, I too prefer an atheist, or at least on open-minded partner.
I wouldn't mind having a kid. But in case i have a son, I definitely don't want him to have a bris or any kind of male genital mutilation. I was wronged when I was 8 days old and I talked to my mother about my Jewish ritual mutilation and she finally admitted that even if she could have known that when I was 27 years old I would find out that I was wronged and kvetch at her about it, she still would have had it done. My aunt and father also are glad I was mutilated.

I realize I must teach my kid to be respectable to others no matter what their beliefs, but rather than teach him/her to be "open minded" or to "think for him/her self," I will not introduce my kid to any religious beliefs. I'm not necessarily against secular Yiddish or Jewish culture and literature, but I wouldn't want my kid to have guilt or fear or shame about not doing Judaism or any religion. When he/she finds out that my ancestors were Jewish, that will be the time to explain why I gave up the Jewish religion, and how religion is a bizarre wastes of time and a systems of obsessive-compulsive thoughts and beliefs and behaviors that I don't do and wish he/she would not also not be infected with.

I find pets disgusting and scary and a bizarre waste of money, and I don't think I could accept a woman who would need to live with some animal(s) or pressure me into living with some animal(s). A woman must not smoke, and it would be nice if she even tried to be healthy, although nobody is as health conscious as I am. Most girls on dating websites are fatter than I am, because anyone who is a decent weight is probably already taken. I wouldn't want a woman to waste my money on make up, gum, jewelry, clothing (some women could have plenty of clothes and yet still hate everything they have and have the urge to buy more clothes), or anything else that money could be wasted on, so I don't know how it would work with living with someone and whether we have to have a joint bank account. Maybe it would be best to keep separate bank accounts and separate finances as much as possible? I would like to be able to travel at least a little and that is expensive. Also I don't need a woman to do much for me: I don't need a woman to clear the table for me or wash my dishes or clothes or clean up after me or clean the bathroom for me - I clean my apartment every so often living alone. But we just have to have s-x frequently enough and if she stops I will have to somehow discuss the problem. (look up the so called "family purity laws" and you will see why I couldn't live with a girl who is too observant of Judaism).
Judging from your post (especially from your 3rd paragraph), it's no real wonder why you're single...

"A woman must not smoke, and it would be nice if she even tried to be healthy, although nobody is as health conscious as I am." - Not only does this sound like a decree, you sound quite full of yourself.

"I don't think I could accept a woman who would need to live with some animal(s) or pressure me into living with some animal(s)." - You are aware that if she lived with you (you both being animals and all), you will be living with an animal, and so would she.

"Most girls on dating websites are fatter than I am, because anyone who is a decent weight is probably already taken." - Contrary to popular belief, some women are single AND pretty (read that: skinny), shocking I know..

"I don't need a woman to do much for me: I don't need a woman to clear the table for me or wash my dishes or clothes or clean up after me or clean the bathroom for me.." - As though all women would automatically do this for you..
Your reaction sounds awfully *touchy*. If he can't stand cigarette smoke, and knows it, then it's reasonable to be aware of that fact and to make it a deal-breaker. As for "it would be nice if she even tried to be healthy...," that *sounds* like a preference rather than a "decree."

His statement about not needing a woman to clean up after him sounds like a factual statement. A man makes such a statement not because he assumes a woman will automatically do it but because he wants a woman to be aware that he, unlike, perhaps, some other men, would not *expect* her to. She might feel relieved by that. (On the other hand, I *have* known women who really did automatically clean up after *everybody*.)

I wouldn't have phrased his "dating websites" comment as he did, and in fact I disagree with him (dating Web sites draw a lot more people than they used to), but the basic idea applies to both men and women: The most socially adept, generally desirable people are also the most likely to already be involved with someone.

Clearly, he had in mind *pets*, not literally animals (as opposed to plants or minerals).
I'm not touchy about what his preferences are, I'm simply showing that he could have definitely worded that better.
This seems like an appropriate place to state my beliefs that (a) we should give people the benefit of the doubt, (b) we're not mind readers, and (c) whether or not we take what someone says badly should depend on what we understand him to mean, rather than on the particular words he uses to say it.

If all you're saying is that you would have worded it differently, then I'd agree that not all of it was perfectly worded, but I got the impression that you thought a lot more was badly worded than I did, and I am aware that *sometimes* *some people* react that way because they're being overly, well, *touchy*. Maybe you simply have different standards of language use than I have.
You can stop with the word *touchy*, the only thing I was (for the most part) talking about was differently wording his statement. You can state your preference firmly, without coming off sounding like an asshole. He may not be an asshole, but that is how it reads to me (and a few others).
I am going to have to agree on this one. The way some of your post is worded comes off as being just slightly rude, "Most girls on dating websites are fatter than I am, because anyone who is a decent weight is probably already taken." for example.
Keith, I'm glad at least someone else doesn't think I'm a insensitive shmuk.

In an online discussion with a (Jewish) girl I knew who is now actually married to someone else, I ended up mentioning having s-x frequently enough, and her response was, "what if she (a women) doesn't clear the table?"

I realize that it is generally not nice to even hint at the issue of what a woman's weight is, but my mother is obese and a girl who is too much fatter than I am will just be too similar to her. Also I was starting to walk with a girl on the way home after an event (at a college Jewish event, before I quit religion), and very soon after we got outside she was going to light a cigarette, and I can't quite stand the thought of inhaling smoke or fumes.

I have always panicked and been afraid when I had to go to someone's house and I rang the doorbell and heard a dog barking or when I am walking and someone's dog threatens to break away from its owner and attack me or sniff/lick me, and to be really revealing, I don't quite like it when I am with someone and she pauses to dote on and pet someone's dog. And I despise it when I am walking and I shirk away from a dog and the owner says, in a stupid intonation, "oh, he's friendly", or "he's friendly, he just barks", or other such un-respectable stuff. I don't see why other people are allowed to hate cockroaches and spiders but I am suppose to love pets as much as they do.

So many girls on dating websites talk about how much they love their pets or that they own pets.

If a woman is unhealthy, at least I don't want her to give up on me just because I don't eat restaurant food. Also I'm a little skinnier than average, but still fine according to the body mass index for males my height, and I don't know how to respond when, for example, certain obese relatives think I must be unhealthy because I won't eat the food served at a family event, although I always bring dates or other fruit and in general I never fast or starve myself.
It's a good thing I'm not a woman wanting to be involved with you! I love animals. When people are out walking their dogs, I'll stop and pet them, if they'll let me. ("They" referring both to the dogs and to their people.) I see no reason you should have to love animals; but if a woman loved animals but were perfectly willing to live without one, would that be sufficient for you? Or, if she insisted on having an animal that she would care for, would that really be a deal-breaker for you if she were a good person?

As for weight.... My ex-wife was four inches shorter than I but weighed twice as much. But she was very, very sexy, nevertheless (and I'm not normally drawn to such excess of weight). Human beings are individuals, and it's easy to set up arbitrary limitations on whom one will accept as a partner, but I, at least, am quite willing to make my judgments on a case-by-case basis.

That's one reason I list so few deal-breakers. Most things in life are negotiable. You might not like everything about your brothers or sisters, but you can live with them anyway. The same goes for relationship partners. I'm always astonished by the limitations people place on prospective partners in their personal ads. Curly hair's a deal-breaker? Really? Amazing. And saddening. Think of the good relationships that will never be, simply because people have placed unnecessary limitations on potential partners. (Sigh.)
It is interesting that you mention sex, because I thought women became immediately uninterested when you mention it.

If a woman likes animals but is perfectly willing to live without one, that would be fine. If she kept having the urge to pet peoples dogs while we were walking, that would be annoying and I would like to say I would just ignore it but there is no way to know whether I would succumb to the desire to tell her how annoying doting on other peoples pets is.

I won't tell a girl she is too fat, I'll just find some other excuse to not see her again. Finding an excuse won't be a problem because my social phobia has made it so that no girl ever wanted to have anything to do with me anyway. My mother is obese and I don't want to see a girl who is too similar to my mother.

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