Cheating and the "Sanctity of Marriage"

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Permalink Reply by Johnny on November 18, 2009 at 12:46pm

cheating was a bad word. I meant open relationships/sex outside of marriage.

I responded to the misunderstandings on other comments, so no need to keep repeating myself =)

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Permalink Reply by David S. on November 18, 2009 at 12:46pm

Religion has nothing to do with it. The whole idea that a made up story and a list of minutia that the "creator of the universe" supposedly dictates about your relatively insignificant existence has any baring on a person's ability to analyze ethical issues is asinine. Its between the folks involved. If its not an open relationship (which most aren't) then the person who got cheated on has a right to break it off. Also - if you have kids that should be considered as it could be traumatic for them. From a societal standpoint its not a moral issue - perhaps the relationship was naturally disintegrating - whatever. Arguments for stable environments for children aside. I would not want to be cheated on, but I can't say that someone cheating is objectively wrong - the way I can about killing a person outside of self defense. (Oh, I forgot, killing was cool until the God that told the Jews to cut part of their dinks off wrote a rule against it on chunks of rock)

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Permalink Reply by Edward Teach on November 18, 2009 at 1:11pm

open relationships/sex outside of marriage

A-HEM... uh... well... not to overly disclose... unless your relationship is more rational than emotional, I don't recommend it! Even with ground rules, the heart can be unpredictable.

Although there are plenty of exceptions, sex is at least as emotional as it is physical. In a strictly rational relationship, the whole thing should work out nicely and everyone have fun. In reality, folks often don't just have sex. They sometimes fall in love (or in lust or become infatuated) and form relationships, even when it is not an expected or intentional response.

Some folks can pull it off... But it really is playing with fire!

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Permalink Reply by Johnny on November 18, 2009 at 3:53pm

Obviously it is important for a relationship to be both emotional and rational. The value on each depends on the couple.

Maybe to some couples rationality helps them deal with their emotions. People are pretty different on that issue. I don't think it's playing with fire at all in a strictly hypothetical sense. As culture evolves, maybe we'll see a shift in values just like abstinence.

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Permalink Reply by Sentient Biped on November 18, 2009 at 2:51pm

I've always thought that my own mindset could not manage sex outside my relationships. I've been open about that. When in dating situations, I said clearly that whatever other people do with each other is fine with me, but I don't have the ego security, or the energy, to deal with having someone in my life who engaged in romance and/or sex elsewhere. I also hate, hate, hate, hate drama.

That's not the same as saying right or wrong. It's saying what I have chosen for myself.

Unfortunately, life is full of twists and turns, people make promises, in the best of intentions, or without the best of intentions, then do whatever it is they are going to do. Despite living by the golden rule, I've discovered that having a profession can be regarded by some as a form of cheating too, because I devote emotional energy, physical energy, and intensity, and time, that is taken away from the relationship. For others, kids or other family or other pursuits might do the same thing.

In the end, I've found that I had to compromise, and if I don't want an answer, sometimes it might be better not to ask the question. It might seem unhealthy, and it's not what most people want. Including me. But it is what it is. Some human beings are better at compartmentalizing than they are at integrating everything into their psyche at once, and I am one of those human beings.

In the end, I think it boils down to temperament and experience. The golden rule (I saw the atheist version is "don't be a dick") means that we should treat others as we want to be treated, or not treat others as we don't want to be treated. If you feel compelled to have more than one partner, make sure that your partners know it. If you feel the need for exclusive relationship, make sure that your partner knows that. If you can't be an actual partner, that's cool too, just don't give the expectations of a relationship when all you really want is to get laid. At the outset, make clear what your temperament is. When rules are broken, prioritize, either get out or renegotiate your emotional boundaries.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Langston on November 18, 2009 at 3:46pm

Would you cheat on an exam? On your taxes? In a card game?

Cheating implies violating some sort of "honor code" in certain things (that you will follow certain expected behavior and not perform certain other behaviors). It is presumed good or positive that there can be trust, which by these examples merely means that both parties can hold a reasonable expectation that a certain normed action will be followed.

I myself believe in having long-term partners but having an open relationship; I understand when people claim that they want to "have" others (you know, "he's mine, she's mine, etc"), but, at the same time, it doesn't have to be that way, which raises an interesting question: what makes the difference between people who are possessive and those who are "free", i.e. do not have the desire to exclusively have someone?

If the two had even *tacitly* agreed to belong to one another, there is an unspoken trust, that you won't "fuck around" with anyone else.

If you aren't getting what you want from a relationship, if it's important stuff, obviously you should leave it. What if you can't for financial reasons? Could you justifiably cheat then on a partner whom you know would not be cool with it? That is, if your wife/husband weren't giving you the sex you wanted, and you couldn't/wouldn't leave them for that, would cheating be justified?

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