The World's Largest Coalition of Nontheists and Nontheist Communities!

Can we hear it for the asexuals?

I've been trying to understand where exactly I am sexually for a few months now and it's been surprisingly harder than I expected.

This started when I was in a quasi-relationship with a lesbian. Obviously nothing was going to happen in bed but it was clear to both of us that there was something special between us. As such, our romantic friendship endures.

This, however, brought up a new oddity. I knew that I didn't care that I would never bed her -- and soon it mildly apparent that I didn't care if I never bedded anybody ever. That I had never thought about it before suggested that I didn't care back then either.

I had never felt a real compulsion to date anyone, when I did so it was usually after someone had pursued me. Even then it felt awkward being so close to someone. That I'm emotionally close to someone now may be more accident than any change in me.

Some of my friends talk about sexual frustration in the sense that they haven't had any in a while -- a while being measured in days or weeks, looking for flings to 'get it out of the system.' Some of my friends talk about how they want to try different things with different people. They talk about sexual urges and compulsions -- I simply have no idea what any of that means. I don't have a frame of reference. I don't know what it feels like to be biologically compelled to do things beyond eating and drinking.

I'm told that I "look like [I] would know what [I'm] doing." Which is ironic considering that I've never done it and should the opportunity arise I would only have the roughest idea of what actually goes on. I imagine something with pulleys and levers and such.

If I never had sex before I died I wouldn't feel that I had missed anything.

Now, just some things about asexuality before anyone else says anything else.

Firstly, it's not that asexuals are averse or offended by sex, asexuals simply aren't sexually attracted to anyone. Imagine seeing everyone as some degree of relative. Intimacy is possible but is exclusively emotional. Physical attraction is mild at best.

Secondly, some asexuals do have sex but have no physical desire for it.

Thirdly, being asexual doesn't mean an aversion to relationships. Emotionally romantic relationships may still be desired by asexuals.

Fourthly, there are degrees of emotional attraction within the set of asexuals similar to the Kinsey model but with respect to emotional attraction versus sexual attraction.

Hopefully this is a new area of discussion for the group and I hope it sparks some interest.

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Louis on August 6, 2010 at 12:43pm

Another odd consequence of this is my apparent gender neutrality.

One of my friends is a feminist who, before I figured out I am asexual, told me that I'm the only man she knows who clearly isn't a misogynist. I'm the only person with my particular set of genitals who really doesn't see men and women as different.

I had always taken that as given and I suppose it may have come from my being asexual.

Permalink Reply by Jenni Manwaring on August 19, 2010 at 4:12pm

Now I admit I have a very poor understanding of asexuality in humans, but I do wonder if it is caused by a hormonal imbalance. I say that because it is normally a basic evolutionary biological drive for all that reproduce sexually, and it is controlled by hormones. It seems out of the "norm" to have a complete lack of a drive for sex. I mean absolutely no disrespect or offense - just explaining my current thought process.....

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on October 16, 2010 at 3:12pm

I think it is hormonal like you say. I saw some an asexual married couple on a talk show once. A doctor in the audience said that she could "fix" their asexuality with the right medicine, but they said they were just fine being asexual and didn't care about being "fixed" (since they're not broken). So I say it's only an imbalance if it actually harms the person.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on August 20, 2010 at 4:42pm

Thanks for posting about this. I have had a number of friends who said they were asexual or non-sexual (or pretty damn close) and others' response was "Yeah, you're a sexual being!" This was before asexuality was really heard of, and it seemed it was debated whether it existed or not, much like bisexuality sometimes is.

Of course there are some people that have a low or no sex drive. It is biological or hormonal, I think. I'm also thinking maybe there is more asexuality in an overpopulated time period. I have read that there are asexuals who identify as straight, gay, bi, polyamorous; they like these various things but they just don't like the having sex part of it, and there are also asexuals who can enjoy sex with a partner, but they don't have the craving for it that most people have. Some have also said that things like masturbation are just a boring chore (to get rid of morning wood).

I remember reading one person's description of being asexual: "Imagine the silliest thing you can think of. Now, imagine that everyone except you is obsessed with it."

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on September 23, 2010 at 5:40pm

"Some have also said that things like masturbation are just a boring chore "

Sounds familiar. :( I started the practice not from desire, but from wanting to understand my body and be comfortable (I was basically afraid to touch myself) and independent. But it's just... underwhelming. And not worth the time put into it I guess. *sigh*

Also, I was stunned when the doctor called and said my estrogen levels were normal, but I guess it can't be specifically that.

Permalink Reply by Louis on September 24, 2010 at 11:15pm

"Imagine the silliest thing you can think of. Now, imagine that everyone except you is obsessed with it."

I have neither heard nor read a better explanation.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on October 16, 2010 at 2:58pm

Yeah, I did think that was just great. I do know of some other silly things that *most* people are obsessed with, too!

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on August 25, 2010 at 1:59pm

Hmmm, I definitely wouldn't say I'm not interested in sex or don't want it, but I also have trouble identifying with people who see weeks between dates as an eternity. For me, it tends to be years. Yes, I wish I had someone to share the bed with but not so much so that I'm out trolling for one night stands. I'd rather be alone for years than "settle" for Mr Right Now.

Wonder what category that puts me in?

Thanks for posting Louis - and well wishes of happiness for you!

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on October 16, 2010 at 3:00pm

Hmmm, I definitely wouldn't say I'm not interested in sex or don't want it, but I also have trouble identifying with people who see weeks between dates as an eternity.

I usually call that "spoiled".

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on September 23, 2010 at 5:36pm

I don't know why I didn't see this before! It's so relevant to me and my buddy, we just started an Asexuals Anonymous group like half an hour ago. I'm not sure whether it will be approved or not though. It's not really exclusive to asexuals at all, it's more helping talk through sexual confusion or lack of sexual desire, etc. So, if you don't think it's a horribly stupid idea and you want to join, that would be cool.

I've been struggling with sexual identity for a long while, so I appreciate your comments on it. :)

Permalink Reply by Louis on September 24, 2010 at 11:14pm

yeah sure, if it gets the Ok from the admins PM me and I'll sign right up.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on October 16, 2010 at 3:08pm

I'm glad to know it isn't exclusive to asexuals. I wanted to join b/c although I am for sexual freedom I also am against sexual pressure, and it is just as bad to say there is something wrong with someone who doesn't want sex as it is to say there's something wrong with someone who does want a lot of sex.

I'm not asexual but I do find innocence appealing, and part of the reasons I like some of the things I like is b/c they're not so obsessed with sex. It's just not as interesting when it's in my face 24/7 and as easy to get as fast food.