Can atheist brothas be faulted for looking for love outside their race?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jerome on July 5, 2010 at 11:30am

Yeah Jessica I agree with you 100% I have received text messages from people and their auto signature would say stuff like "Highly Favored" I believe that younger people use it. I might just start saying Santa Fearing when I fill out my profile on dating web sites and change it to my auto signature for text messages.

Permalink Reply by Jessica Booker on July 5, 2010 at 11:36am

Lol.

Permalink Reply by Kenneth James on July 5, 2010 at 12:18pm

Lawd Jesus, please send me a good atheist sista!

Permalink Reply by Jessica Booker on July 5, 2010 at 3:16pm

U would be better off asking Santa. lol. But HERE I AM! ;p

Permalink Reply by Shawn Anonymous on July 5, 2010 at 1:23pm

Hey Jess. You mean you're not "blessed and highly favored"? What kind of "god fearing" black woman are you? I'm going to pray for you, Sista Booker. Later.

Permalink Reply by Jessica Booker on July 5, 2010 at 3:12pm

NOOOOOOOOOOO! lol

Permalink Reply by T. Duker on July 28, 2010 at 12:04pm

LOL no he didn't bring out the "blessed and highly favored!"

Permalink Reply by Naomi on July 16, 2010 at 10:22am

Don’t hold your tongue? Alright, you asked for it…I am a 33 y/o black woman in Texas. There are many more black women who are atheist, agnostic, or open than you realize. The problem is most of us don’t feel free to identify ourselves as such. In the black community and in the south, god-fearing is the foundation and cornerstone of what it is to be a good woman. To openly admit you do not belief in god is to liken yourself to Delilah or Jezebel. It is to imply you are immoral and lack character amongst many other stereotypes about your ability to mother or be a wife. No man will take you home to momma or dare claim you, even if he has not set foot in church in years or is an atheist in hiding. Mother’s teach their sons to choose this way, and their daughters to behave or at least appear this way. Father figures lecture about the difference between a ho and a housewife. Find a woman who is least likely to have her own thoughts and that is the beginnings of a good wife, is a very common message. Freethinkers are the antithesis of a good woman. It requires you to be the one who had her own thoughts which often results in immediate isolation. You are labeled as difficult and unsubmissive. These labels are terrifying to “good black women” who are already at risk of being accused of such things due to stereotypes and other conflicting requirements such as education. Most of us just hope we will bump into another freethinker in hiding, and we will secretly live happily ever after when we are rescued from being sheep. I have seen women who wanted out, use an atheist spouse as an excuse for no longer participating. She won a great prize, perception of holiness without any of the sacrifice. She was the poor woman being held prisoner by that atheist who was making her sleep in on Sundays, take road trips on the weekends instead of show up to the extra classes on Saturday, and somehow force her to appear happy in all her pics on her webpage. She damn near started a revolution, backed into a corner while women quizzed her about atheist men like she had an unreleased Ipad. “What, he isn’t evil?” “He isn’t biting the heads off chickens?” “He isn’t planning to burn you at the stake?” I was a god-fearing card toting member of the good girls club when I met my friend’s atheist boyfriend all those years ago. I knew I was in trouble, because never once since have I thought I could spend my life with a religious man. Before that I didn’t even know there was a third option. I knew two types of men: no good men and Christian men though I could rarely tell them apart. This was terrible knowledge for a truly long suffering believer such as myself who was being shoved down the road to making someone a good unhappy wife. For women godliness transcends religious beliefs or convictions. It is how your value is determined, by others and by yourself. Your worthiness is never assumed it is proven by how much suffering you can handle usually in the name of god. If you can withstand it then you can withstand marriage. Good girls make good wives. They will stand by you right or wrong, whether you treat them badly or not, they adjust to being unhappy quietly. After all, it is just another test of your faith. As a black woman, you can be a god-fearing atheist, because you are constantly fearing that god issues will ruin your life. The pressure is enormous and they damn near make you turn in your “I’m a Good Catch” card if you even appear to waiver. Unfortunately, some women will project this onto a spouse. Someone whether it is a friend, a relative, a minister, or the judgmental voice inside is shaming her for her choice in mate. If they accept your atheism without trying to convert you…rejected. They are denied admission to the good girl club. That is why a woman will stay, but try to buy penance by pretending you may convert. How can you have a happy ending if no one else approves is the question they can’t overcome. So they begin converting you. You are almost perfect. There life is almost perfect. They only need to change you for it to be just right. Then some force will give them permission, to accept that they might be worthy to enter the very restrictive good girls club. Church uses the same age old system of hierarchy that all of the other clubs do because it works so well.
I am still very new to this lifestyle and the non-theist title doesn’t sting as bad as saying atheist. I still have a hard time even within myself. I know my beliefs are similar to atheism, but saying it is just a challenge. I find myself trying to find other things I can be, not because it will affect my beliefs but because it will effect how others see me. People accused me of being atheist long before I considered it. I was running out of excuses. My family started to ask me if I was gay because no man rich or poor could get me down that aisle, but I knew they were only interested in the idea of me. I met the good girl requirements. I just couldn’t spend my life with someone who needed me to be less than I should for them to want me or didn’t care who I actually was or worse would hate who I really was. Since I accepted my beliefs, for the first time I am actually excited about finding love because I don’t need smoke and mirrors, just me. I can be honest with myself about what it is I need in a partner and church going doesn’t even get close. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life trying to live by standards that are adjusted to other people’s personal agendas.
Now, onto interracial dating…Unfortunately, I grew up in a city where it was unusual for non-criminal black men to date black women publicly. There was a strong belief there that other women make better mothers and wives than black women. So as open as I am, I still feel a little something when I see a good black man who has chosen someone else, but I only have to think about how unhappy I was letting others influence my life when they cared nothing about me. Then, I find myself hoping that they have or will find peace and a place of love and acceptance, that soft place to fall that so few of us seem to find amongst ourselves. This life is the only one you have. Don’t spend it in misery for anyone. There are no dress rehearsals, do-overs, and few if any second chances. It wasn’t easy to accept, but I now know that there are more important matters for me to examine then race/culture/ethnicity. I put away religion and now I am trying to let go of the other things they sold me in the Good Black Girl package, including the “It Only Counts if He’s Black” dream and “Don’t Educate Yourself Out of a Man” mantra I get from friends and family. It is most important to find someone who will love, understand, accept you and gives you a legitimate opportunity to do the same. Someone who shares your interests, is considerate and kind, someone who you can genuinely enjoy and have fun with…a best friend. Good lawd brotha, if you are brave enough to be an atheist in Texas then your brave enough to handle whatever path true love leads you to, and anything else this life can dish out for that matter. No doubt you will be “faulted” by many but you are kind of geared up for that anyway (all things considered, lol).

Permalink Reply by Little Name Atheist on July 16, 2010 at 10:49am

This was truly epic.

It is most important to find someone who will love, understand, accept you and gives you a legitimate opportunity to do the same. Someone who shares your interests, is considerate and kind, someone who you can genuinely enjoy and have fun with…a best friend.

This is the essence of a good relationship.

Permalink Reply by Eddie E. Hicks Sr. on July 16, 2010 at 12:53pm

Naomi why don't you tell us how you really feel :) Great reply.

~eddie

Permalink Reply by Scream on July 23, 2010 at 5:08am

I'm in tears sister. Thanks for sharing this. I'm going to have both my daughters read this :)

Permalink Reply by J.Muntu on August 25, 2011 at 11:07pm

I know this is a year and some months late but I was reading back through the comments and I came across yours thanks for sharing yur thoughts. For the record, I've had sex out of my race before, but never actually dated (big difference) at least for men probably (at least this one). So its new but it isn't. Anyway I have no problem dating out of my race, I guess I just didnt want to shortchange a woman who wasnt black or some kind of diasphoric african with a longing for one who was. With that being said though love is love, and I certainly w/not care what race she is, as long as she loves and understands me, and "of course" is a freethinker. Thanks again.

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