I'm a bartender and I'm not shy about messing with people! I will be at work in 2 hours and I need some jokes that will do 2 things: 1.) give the nonreligious something to laugh at 2.) not let the religious get an ok-I-won't-fuck-with-you pass! Today's a great day for A LOT of blashemy! So I'm calling out to all my fellow Atheists - please send me some jokes! Here's one of my favorites "What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus? You only need ONE nail to hang up the picture of Jesus!" Good times :-)

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I'm a fan of most offensive jokes, call it immature or passive-agressive, but I can't help but laugh. I'm my own best audience and the crowd is roaring!! Will you send me some good jokes when you run across them? And I like the NO H8 on your picture-
Jesus is on the cross and says, "Psst. Peter. Peter! Come here." so Peter climbs up the cross and leans in close so he can hear Jesus speak saying "Yes, My Lord? What is it?" And Jesus says, "I can see your house from here."

Jesus is walking around with Moses playing a round of golf and they come upon a water trap. Jesus turns to moses and says, "Didn't you do something with water?" and Moses says yeah, and proceeds to do the trick where he parts the waters. Jesus is impressed, and Moses in turn asks, "Didn't you also do something with water?" Jesus proceeds to step out onto the water, but he sinks almost immediately to his knees. He gets out, gets a running start, and tries again, this time sinking to his waist. He comes out confused and embarrassed and Moses asks, "What was it you were trying to do?"
"I used to be able to walk on water," Jesus replies.
"The last time you tried it," Moses asks, looking him over, "Did you have those holes in your feet?"

That's all I got for now except for the old standby popularized by the movie "The Crow,"
Christ walks into a hotel, hands the inkeeper three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Those were wonderful! I hadn't heard any of them. If you can think of more, please let me know, I appreciate the first round-
The funniest thing is that both of the top ones were told to me by a Catholic priest!

(FTR, I think, given a lot of other small evidence, that he's secretly atheist, but has been a priest for so long it's a bit late now to change officially, but that's another topic altogether.)
How does Jesus whistle. (Then cover your mouth with your hand and make a whistling sound)
Jesus, hanging on the cross: "Crap, that's embarassing, my zipper is open, and I can do nothing about it... I hope noone will notice."
Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter. "Peter, I need to see you." Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back. Jesus again said, "Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something." Again Peter tries to fight his was through the Roman guards but again they hold him back. One more time, Jesus says, "Peter, please, I need to tell you something. This time, Peter musters up all of his strength, manages to get past the guards, goes up to the cross and says, "Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me." Jesus replies, "Peter, I can see your house from up here."
Just refer to Easter as Zombie Jesus Day. Wondering out loud why a chocolate egg laying rodent is linked to a brutal state sanctioned murder and subsequent corpse theft might be fun too!
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts some nails on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"
"a chocolate egg laying rodent "

Rabbits aren't rodents,they are langamorphs.

Ok,here are mine:


* "Any more lion food, Julius?"

"No, just a load of Christians, that's all!"

"That's okay, They'll do. Take the crosses of 'em though, 'cause we don't want the lions to choke."


* Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

* Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

* Jesus is coming, get a towel.
Q: Why was Jesus so popular with the women of ancient Israel?


A: He was hung like this! [spread your arms out to your sides, a la crucifixion]
Jesus, Moses and God were playing golf. Both Moses and JC hit nice drives and are on the green in one. God swings and wiffs the ball - a chipmonk runs out and grabs the ball and and eagle swoops down and snags the chipmonk. When the eagle flies over the green a bolt of lighting hits it - he drops the chipmonk who in turn drops the ball and it falls in the hole.
Jesus turns to God and says, "will you quit fucking around we're playing for money"

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