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Been a while.

Been quite a while since I posted on here, and I apologize that it's a rather self-serving discussion.

My girlfriend of two years left me about three weeks ago, and I've been struggling to make sense of my life without her in it. She was everything to me, and I'm really doing a poor job of coping.

While I'm aware this isn't a support group of any kind, I'm just wondering if anyone has any words of advice beyond the usual. I've found in these last few weeks remembering and, in a way, missing when I had religious faith because it "guaranteed" some kind of cosmic justice, and made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.

I know the truth about religion, and I would never actually go back to that lifestyle, but I just feel completely alone as of late. I've not many friends as her and I spent nearly every day together, so we both neglected anyone we knew, so I'm left without much of a support system.

I've already contacted a few therapists, as well. I just miss her terribly, and wish I could have her back, even though I know her decision was quite final.

Feel free to ignore this nonsense. I know this isn't LJ or some other whiny "feel bad for me" site. Just had to vent somewhere.

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Ned Kelly on June 1, 2009 at 5:23pm

Hello, John.

This site, Atheist Nexus, is a lot of things to a lot of people. The only thing prohibited here is Bible thumping, as far as I know. I would not worry about it, just post your comments. If anyone doesn't like them, they can skip the post.

Sometimes, you just have to sit with your pain when you experience a loss, while you sort through things in your mind. Talking about it can help. Consulting with a therapist, posting in a forum, and talking to trustworthy friends are all good options.

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Permalink Reply by Tarquin St John Sh'gn'sty on June 1, 2009 at 7:51pm

Mate,I feel for you.

Freud wrote "we are never so desperately unhappy as when we lose love"

Yes, I've experienced that kind of devastation,three times.The first time was at age 20.The second at age 43 when my marriage ended. The last time was at age 54. (I'm now 61)

I can't presume to tell you what to do,I can only tell you what it was like for me:

Some things which really helped me:

I forgot the "'why" and allocating blame as much as I possibly could. I did not do the letters and desperate phone calls. They change nothing.

I ignored well meaning friends,and family members who told me what I should be feeling,and said things like "you should be over it by now". It takes as long as it takes.

Sometimes we never recover from some emotional wounds.We learn to live with them.The intensity of the pain DOES diminish,gradually.

The worse was the end of my 12 year marriage: I cried a lot for the first week. Then I stayed as busy as I could. I exercised a lot, (for the natural endomorphs) and went to art school at night. (for the concentration) Spent as much time around people as I could tolerate.

I also saw a shrink for 6 months when my marriage ended. I needed some guidance; I was not thinking rationally.

I hope some of this may be of help.

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Permalink Reply by John on June 1, 2009 at 8:37pm

Thank you both. It's been a tremendous help just to know that I'm not alone.

I wouldn't feel so bad, but the one thing that's driving me crazy is that I realize what I did wrong, and I know I could fix it if I had another chance, but she doesn't want to give me one. And I can't blame her, as I made empty promises before.

It's just this near-nihilistic view that everything I do is pointless without her there to see it.

I know none of this is healthy thinking, but I find myself dwelling on it constantly. Most of my old friends have developed into the crazy Christian fundies that we've all come to love over the years, and I've basically been ostracized by the whole group. I probably have one close friend.

My whole life revolved around her, and her's revolved around me, so her absence basically pulled the rug out from under me.

I found a therapist I'm going to try out, which I think will be helpful. But, I don't hate her, and I'm not angry with her. I love her, and I just honestly wanted things to work out.

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Permalink Reply by Goz on June 2, 2009 at 1:10pm

I'm glad you fund someone to talk with. I'd suggest getting involved in an activity where you can meet new friends. Use this site to see if there are atheists in your area.
Anyway,good luck...

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Permalink Reply by FreeThinker on June 2, 2009 at 3:52pm

Most of us go through the agony of losing someone we love at some point in our life. It is never easy, but you will get through it eventually. Time heals all wounds. Eventually, you will come to accept that she is gone and accept that you must move on in your life.

Keep yourself busy. The more you sit around and dwell on it, the more depressed you will get. It is not healthy and not helpful. If you don't have anyone to talk to, go online and find a chatroom.

Try reading the book "Depression Is a Choice" by A.B. Curtiss. It helped me a lot when I was going through some difficult times. You might be able to find it at the library. If not, you can get it from Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.

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Permalink Reply by damian on June 2, 2009 at 10:54pm

Well, i guess it's good that it was a clean break. I can relate to that empty feeling; a part of you left with her. Just ride it out, that's all you can do. Don't be in a hurry to find someone, and in your next relationship, try not to talk about your last one. Play the song "i will survive" and sing it like you mean it:)