my Mom sent this to me, presumably for a laugh.  maybe i'm taking things too seriously, b/c i didn't see what was so funny.  should i think it comical that kids can't get the facts straight from these notoriously silly stories?  is it wrong for me to think that teaching the Bible to children perhaps dumbs them down?  why do i project the kids who answered these question to grow up and believe this nonsense as fact, but then question scientists when they tell them evolution is true? 

 

anyway, there are some dooozies in there so feel free to mock away. 

 

 

 

A  Nun Grading  Papers..... 
> >
> >Can  you imagine the Nun sitting at her  desk
> grading these papers, all the  while trying to keep a
> straight face and  maintain her composure! (I
> know  I  couldn't!)
> >
> >PAY  SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE  WORDING AND
> SPELLING.  IF YOU KNOW THE  BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE,
> YOU'LL FIND  THIS HILARIOUS!  IT COMES FROM
> A  CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL  TEST. 
> >
> >KIDS  WERE ASKED QUESTIONS  ABOUT THE OLD AND
> NEW TESTAMENTS.  THE  FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
> THE  BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY
> CHILDREN.   THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED
> OR  CORRECTED.  INCORRECT  SPELLING HAS BEEN
> LEFT  IN.
> >
> >
> >1.  IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE  BIBLE,
> GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE  WORLD SO HE
> TOOK THE SABBATH  OFF.
> >
> >2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN  APPLE
> TREE.  NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN  OF ARK.  NOAH
> BUILT AN  ARK  AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON
> IN   PEARS. 
> >
> >3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A  PILLAR OF SALT DURING
> THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING  THE 
> NIGHT. 
> >
> >4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD  PEOPLE  AND
> THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH
> UNSYMPATHETIC   GENITALS.
> >
> >5.  SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN  WHO LET HIMSELF
> BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
> LIKE   DELILAH. 
> >
> >6.  SAMSON SLAYED THE  PHILISTINES WITH THE
> AXE OF THE  APOSTLES.   
> >
> >7.  MOSES LED THE  JEWS TO THE
> RED   SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED 
> BREAD WHICH IS  BREAD WITHOUT ANY
> INGREDIENTS.   
> >
> >8.  THE EGYPTIANS  WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE
> DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP  TO 
> MOUNT  CYANIDE TO  GET THE TEN
> COMMANDMENTS.   
> >
> >9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT  WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM
> TO  EAT THE APPLE. 
> >
> >10.
>   THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT  IS THOU SHALT NOT
> ADMIT  ADULTERY.
>    
> >
> >11.  MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED 
> CANADA .  THEN JOSHUA LED THE  HEBREWS IN
> THE  BATTLE
> >
> >
> >
> >OF   GERITOL. 
> >
> >12.  THE GREATEST  MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS
> WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND  STILL AND HE
> OBEYED  HIM.
> >
> >13.  DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS  SKILLED
> AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT  THE FINKELSTEINS, A
> RACE OF PEOPLE WHO  LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
> >
> >14.  SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S  SONS, HAD 300
> WIVES AND 700   PORCUPINES.
> >
> >15.  WHEN MARY HEARD  SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF
> JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA   CARTA. 
> >
> >16. WHEN THE THREE WISE  GUYS FROM THE  EAST
> SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE 
> MANAGER.   
> >
> >17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE  MARY HAD AN
> IMMACULATE  CONTRAPTION.   
> >
> >18.    ST. JOHN ,  THE BLACKSMITH,
> DUMPED WATER ON HIS  HEAD.   
> >
> >19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE,  WHICH
> SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE  THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE
> ALSO EXPLAINED A  MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT 
> ALONE.
> >
> >20.
>   IT WAS A MIRICLE  WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
> AND MANAGED TO GET THE
>     TOMBSTONE OFF  THE ENTRANCE. 
> >
> >21.
>   THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE  LORD WERE CALLED
> THE 12
>   DECIBELS. 
> >
> >22.
>   THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE  APOSTLES.
> >
> >23.  ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.  MATTHEW,
> WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
> >
> >24.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY.  HE
> PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS  ANOTHER NAME FOR 
> MARRAIGE. 
> >
> >25.
>   CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE  SPOUSE. THIS IS
> CALLED
>   MONOTONY

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Replies to This Discussion

17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE  MARY HAD AN
> IMMACULATE  CONTRAPTION.

25.
>   CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE  SPOUSE. THIS IS
> CALLED
>   MONOTONY

*My two favorites...

#17 was first on my list too.  she must have had quite the contraption, indeed. 

And the Jews have a marvelous phrase for all of this:

Oy, vey!

My Grandpa, who was raised in the jewish religion, but who was an Atheist used to say this all the time Loren! :)

This is kind of like "damn you autocorrect".  Only with kids instead of cellphones.

Actually, I think the ancient Hebrews did have problems with genitals.  It's kind of the basis for many commandments, let alone circumcision.

I see the humor, but I also think it's sad that kids as young as some of these appear to be are forced to memorize and recite this useless information.  Pure brainwashing...

Mount cyanide.  Laughed my rear off. Unfortunately, how true. The poisonous decalogue that plagues humanity to this very day.

how'd you do that? 

dude that was really funny

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