I think I may be a little bit different from a lot of the people on this board although I certainly respect everyone's opinions. I wish I was one of you who "just knew" from an early age that kids weren't for you. I grew up dreaming about the day I would have children, especially after I met my husband. We dated for 7 years before getting married and have been married for five. ALL THIS TIME, my whole life, I have been fantasizing about opening presents with my own kids on Christmas Eve and watching their faces light up when they see what Santa brought on Christmas Day. I'm not religious but these kinds of joyful moments really do feel spiritual to me.
It's been made very clear to me by my own feelings and behavior both today and last Christmas that I would not be a good mother. Not on Christmas, and probably not on any other day of the year. My level of anxiety, emotional instability, and irritability were terribly high. I finally had to let off steam by having a tearful tantrum. What 35 year old adult does that? Only one that has issues and should probably not be in charge of making sure someone else's Christmas is magical. If I can't make the day at least nice for myself and my husband and grown adults in my family, I certainly can't make it bearable for a small child.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else is in my boat, the S.S. "Loves kids but is too screwed up" boat ;) I feel like I'm making the only decision that can reasonably be made under the circumstances and I'll do everything I can to prevent pregnancy (which is not hard, I'm not a fertile myrtle.) But I wonder, if I ended up accidentally pregnant, would I be able to stick by this decision? Would my fantasies of a merry little christmas with my baby be too strong to ignore?
So, sunshine, I have the problem of people saying those things to me about holidays and ideallic family life and my answers are even less satisfying to them. I say "yes, I do want all that BUT..." and they of course still don't understand. Most people can't even imagine a good reason to not have a child, especially if they know me as someone who loves children, loves playing with them, teaching them, being around them...etc. They can't see any reason on earth why I should not be a mom! Sometimes I forget why too...
Then I have a day like today, when my demons get the better of me and I go, oh yeah, that's why...
anyway, not to be a downer. Just wanted to throw that out there. I'd love to hear from others with this same situation.