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Helping Grieving Family.

I have a problem.

As of two weeks ago, my mother found out that her exboyfriend of 2 years had purposely not taken his necessary insulin for his diabetes and killed himself hours after she told him once more that there was no chance of their relationship renewing itself. She's in terrible shape and calls me every few hours for comfort, which I am happy to do for my mom.

She blames herself and talks about negative spirits, God's will and so on. She knows I'm an atheist, but I'm not going to sit there and tell her to stop opening up to me because her way of grieving offends me. I'm not sure what to do. I want to comfort her but the way that she copes with these things is different from me. I detach from the situation, I deal with my emotions and what I'm thinking/feeling one by one.

Everything from cosmic power of The Secret down to traditional Roman Catholic writings, she's finding solace in them all and through that "Pretend you still believe in something..." stuff. I want to help her, but I'm not sure how I can. I try and I get argument and "proof" and why I should come back to the church. For right now all I can do is listen but she needs more.

Has anyone, as an atheist, dealt with family members or friends who are mourning a deceased loved one but not known what to do? How do you help them? How do you help those who you love who are religious and/or spiritual?

Any advice would be greatly, GREATLY appreciated.

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Permalink Reply by Andrew on January 29, 2010 at 1:42am

Hi Kaye,

Just as the loss of your father is immeasurable, and and absolutely devastating event, I am sorry to hear of your loss.

I agree entirely with your sentiment and may understand or relate to that feeling of solace. My dad was my best friend, however, I have learned so much from this experience. I was fortunate to be with him when he died which added to something I have run away from throughout the years - death.

I had a few friends with parents that died in the last year, and I didn't feel like I could relate or even communicate with them. How things have changed. If I can recognize something that I have gained form the ordeal, it would be the emotional knowledge that I have acquired.

I chatted with a company counselor on the phone for the past few weeks. From his words I figure that he is a pastor or minister. When he asked me if I had a spiritual mentor, I mentioned several times that I, and my entire family, for at least several generations have been atheists, he gave a rather silent and disapproving tone while seeming to brush it aside. I was tempted to ask about his beliefs, but after a few weeks of insomnia and multiple family health issues, decided to just let the hour glass empty.

There were many times when I felt like I was being judged based on my lack of belief, but never called him on it so may have just been interpreting incorrectly. even knowing that I am an atheist he recommended that I talk with a pastor or the funeral home to find a grief counselor which makes a lot of sense, but those aren't the avenues I was hoping for.